Old memories, new year

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Sat, January 03, 2009

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I have reached the point of painful acceptance. I am living with life just the way it is with no more hope left. It is what it is.

Usually I try very hard to look for the best side of the situation but not this time. Is acceptance the key? Does it solve all of my dilemmas. I think it may. When you "want" for nothing and accept things exactly the way they are then there is no frustration, dissatisfaction, hope, or disappointment.

When i was young it was a given that I had everything in front of me. Love, marriage, children, aging, Home, husband, the picket fence, the grandchildren and comfort. I have none of those things. I am 54 years old and here I am, ill and alone. Feeling sorry for myself and crying a lot the past two days. I have seen the completion of the past with the visit of one and the last of my loves. It is over.

So, this year begins with a new life. No past and nothing left to end except expectations. I don't know where I am going now, or where I WANT to go spiritually or physically. I have no control over it. My diseases are in charge and will take me where they will now. I definately surrender.

So, God bless

with fondness

Dellea

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David Robbins

1/ 4/09 5:18am

Dellea, I'm sorry you are in a bad spot. I believe a person can start over at any point they may choose. My wife was 52 when we married. She was about to throw in the towel. I hope for you. Take care of your self.

sincerely,

David

Donna-1

1/ 4/09 8:44am

I am sorry you are entering the new year feeling hopeless. For some people, the new year means a new beginning, a new chance to start all over with fresh choices and a welcoming of hope. For others it means OMG here it comes again! I hold a wait and see attitude. I know there is hope because I have recovered to a great degree even just over the past year. But I am not sure there is hope for a male-female relationship. Most of such relationships (for me) go south in a hurry and I am still not quite sure why. I think I make my illness too much of the equation and just having fun too little of the equation. So I come out unbalanced and off kilter and the other person senses this right away. I hold out little hope of finding a life partner. Most often, I mean someone who is "promising" and then I get scared and run the other way. My marriage was so awful that it leave this spectre dancing a little ways off in the distance and I see that instead of the person I am with.

In light of all this, I have decided to get a little dog, a poodle, in the new year. I want one about 2 yrs old, house-broken, good with children, female. Am I asking too much of a dog, just like I ask too much of a man? After my last precious little dog was gone, I swore, "Never again." Parting was too painful.

I hope you can hang something up hopeful to look at, although life/the world is bound to try to drag it down. Give someone else hope and maybe you will find it for yourself. That works for me. (And I don't mean to sound patronizing with that, I mean it sincerely.)

Carolyn