acceptance is the key

Acceptance is a place of peace.  As I have heard so often, "accepting life, on life's terms".

I have rebelled so thoroughly all my life.  The "why's" have over loaded my common sense.  I just haven't been able to see reality until now.  I thought I was powerful.  I thought that I would be special and I am not.  I have dealt with paranoia, schizophrenia, suicide, alcoholism, and here I am.  REAL

I am not a philosopher.  It takes a long time for me to put my "think" on abstract notions.

I have asked why to all the physical damage and pain in the last few years.  I have refused to accept that this is all the future holds...chronic, and irreversable.  This is all well and good if I would follow the thought with ACTION, but I don't and every time I try to the payment is agonizing increasing PAIN.

It is interesting to me that I always had hope when it came to my mental illness.  I think of the word HOPE as a copout now.  Just a way to rebel again.  To change realities circumstances.  I ACTED on my mental illness with therapy and medications.  I seem to be coping with those illness's.  Physical illness is more confusing.  My doc has said there is no hope...all he can do is keep me comfortable.  What did I expect?  Miracles?

I hope that all of you can just see my wheels turning and my post doesn't confuse you as it confuses me?  Maybe soon I will post with some clarity.  These are the questions.

Thanks for reading.

With love

Dellea