A few years back I was viciously attacked by my best friend and my daughter, and then everything fell apart.  I lost all my old friends, and began a total isolation.  My health problems made it easy to stay home and play the victim.

After three years of silence my old best friend called me Thursday nite.  She didn't apologize for being so cruel, just started to visit.  I cried.  I was so very shocked that this came out of the blue?

Now I know why they were so angry.  I put them into a position of responsibility that they wanted no part of.  In some defense, my friend had set up the situation of my going to Denver from Florida to get neck surgery by offering to set up her surgeon and care for me while I was there.  The moment I arrived it was obvious that she had changed her mind.  I refused to see it...I wanted what i wanted and I was going to FORCE her to keep her word.  So, I stayed.  Oh yeah, I cleaned house every day, did her laundry and was a great house guest.  No matter.  She was angry and put out.  Finally, three weeks later I had the surgery.  Three days later she forced a fight and I flew home to Denver in pretty awful shape.  Three days out of surgery, and it was so easy to be the victim!

My daughter was expected to be my daughter, even if it was obvious that she didn't WANT to be my daughter.  We had a HUGE blowout when I called her one morning to pick me up from the Doctor.  Yeah, I asked her to help me with rides, but I knew she said yes out of obligation, no loving help or concern.  Yeah, she's a rotton daughter, but the fight was caused by ME.

These two people are not very good people.  They WANT to be, but they can't.  I tried to FORCE them to be who they wanted to be because I NEEDED them to be who they wanted to be.  They were very cruel to me, but I deserved it I guess.

It is sort of embarassing to finally comprehend this.  I was a bully...  I wasn't an adult.  I was a child who just quietly forced people to meet her needs.  Didn't they know they loved me?

I am very upset as I write this.  I am sad.  I feel unloved and stupid.  To think I almost sold my soul to get these two to love me enough to help me?  I cleaned house, did laundry, cooked.  For my daughter I ran errands, washed and cleaned out her vehicle.  I thought that was my way to EARN their care. 

I've never been a victim.  I walked into the den of lions and offered myself up for sacrifice.  I've done the same thing with this roommate and now I am really stuck. I have to legally evict her to get rid of her!  She's a thief, a bold liar, and a user.  She's never loved anyone but herself in her whole life.  Sometimes I wish I were more like her!  she's never the victim...everyone she touches IS!

This is why I isolate.  Nothing changes.  After fifty four years I get it.  This is why I drank.  None of the rules I was taught are real.  Follow the rules I was taught and I become a victim.