The difficult subject is: how do I keep on taking Zyprexa when the side effects are such a daily drain on my body. It is so sedating and has caused me to gain a great deal of weight. I think it is horrible. Yet it is the only antipsychotic that works for me. (I have tried many, some more than once.) Every day I suffer the side effects -- high cholesterol, hypothyroidism, and high blood pressure, along with the increased appetite and need to rest frequently. I truly believe it will lead to an early death.
But what is the alternative? Without Zyprexa, I have thought derailment, inability to express myself adequately, and eventually psychosis and thoughts of suicide.
When I am obese, I think it would be better to be insane. When I am insane, I think I would prefer being obese. So periodically, I taper off the Zyprexa and eventually stop taking it until symptoms force me to start taking it again. This is anywhere from 2 days to 2 months. But when I first stop taking it completely, I become hypomanic and have so much energy. I can go and go without getting tired. Without taking naps. I start doing some of the things I used to love. In other words, things seem so normal. Most of my life I have had tons of creativity and energy.
Of course, symptoms start seeping in around the edges sooner or later. Usually my thoughts start becoming disjointed. Thinking in a linear fashion becomes difficult. My inner world becomes more fascinating than the reality around me. And if I let it go long enough, the devil starts talking to me and I have feelings of despair and hopelessness.
But those few days/weeks feeling like my "old self" are nevertheless still wonderful and give me hope that someday I will be able to live like that again. Also, appetite becomes less of an issue. I can be satisfifed with a normal amount of food and be free from the dreaded late-night binges.
Is it terrible/horrible/thoughtless/being in denial to stop the meds? To others it may seem that way. To me, it provides just a glimmer of hope. It is like taking a short vacation away from all the problems that weigh me down. It is worth it to me? Yes. I have done it many times. Of course, I fear now that I may be doing irreparable harm to myself by yo-yo'ing off and on. That it may be physically altering my brain with eventual negative consequences.
This said, tonight I am going to taper off the Zyprexa once again. I have gained 15 lbs in the last 3 weeks (since the dose was upped to 20mg/day.) I feel miserable. I look forward to renewed energy. Yes, sooner or later I will have to start taking it once more. I know this. I really wish my doctor or a family member could understand. It is a constant struggle.
As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Do what you know to be right in your heart, for you'll be criticized for it anyway. You're damed if you do, and damned if you don't."
