In between #3 and #4 I had two therapists that I never saw more than 2-3 times. One was a man who had a very sterile office environment. Nothing on the walls, not a desk, not a table, just two folding chairs. And the first thing he said to me was, "The first rule is that you have to pay me every time before we have therapy. I get my money up front." Well, okay...that was different. Then when I told him that I was suicidal, he threw up both hands and exclaimed, "Oh God, that's all I need -- another patient who is going to kill herself!" I only went to him that one time, needless to say.
The other one was also a male. An Alpha Male, truth be known. He kept trying to impress me with the way he bullied his father-in-law (like that is what I was there for.) He dressed impeccably and I thought next he would tell me how many times a day he flossed his pearly whites. So I moved on.
Now for Therapist #4, Ms. B., PhD. She was the strangest of all. At first, she bothered me because of her penchant for leaning into me when I was talking and twisting her face into this mask of pity. I didn't want her pity. So the second time I had a session with her, she announced that she had diagnosed what was wrong. "It's not schizophrenia or bipolar disorder -- you have Dissociative Identity Disorder" (formerly known as Multiple Personalities." She went on to say that at some early age I had been abused and my brain had shattered into many different pieces which were now manifesting themselves as different parts of my personality. Ms. B told me that she would be able to reintegrate or re-unite my personalities and once that was done, I would no longer need medication. I thought since she was the expert, she must be right. So I read some about DID and did see some familiar symptoms, but after seeing her for several sessions I begin to believe she was way off track. I felt sure I did have schizophrenia and that I would rapidly decompensate if taken off the meds, not improve. So after a few sessons, I also decided not to see her again. And about 6 weeks later, I got a letter from her saying she was retiring and her clients would have to switch to one of her associates for further care. So even if I had stayed the course, she would have been gone before long and it would have been necesary to start all over again.
Now I want a therapist to talk to once in a while, but it I don't want to go to someone new and I can't spend $110/session with my favorite therapist who longer accepts my insurance. But I also feel strong enough and well enough to believe I can face the world on my own.
Carolyn
