The auditory hallucinations that began at age 11 continued off and on throughout my teen years, up until about age 22, then they started again a few years later. I didn't know whether everyone heard such voices. I didn't ask. I was afraid to tell my ultra-religious parents (Southern Baptist) that I was having conversations with the Devil.
At age 12, I became aware of putting on pounds. It was because of puberty. But to me it was a sign I was becoming fat. My mother was going to Weight Watchers, so it was easy to slip right into her dieting obsession and easy to see myself as imperfect. I became bulimic and no one noticed. The weight fell off and I stayed at about 105 lbs for years. People praised my size and my willpower. I always had boyfriends. At the time, I thought they liked me because I was pretty and petite. It did not occur to me that I also made top grades, excelled in sports, and was kind and considerate. Looks were all-important. And now, probably because of lack of good nutrition and poor self-esteem, I fell into depression. By age 16 I was feeling suicidal. Mother noticed that I was crying a lot and finally took me to a doctor. I was put on my first antidepressant, Tofranil.
The Tofranil began to work and give some relief, then my doctor accused me of storing up my weekly handful of pills in order to kill myself. I was not. So I stormed out of his office and never went back. Depression quickly took over my life again. I would spend the evenings listening to dark, sad music and loud rock songs that would distract me. It seemed to serve me by drowning out the sadness, but at the same time it echoed the despair. Sometimes now I still play that kind of music when the depression comes seeping back in around the edges. Recently, I have started listening to the group Aqualung and all of their songs have this moodiness about them.
But at age 17 as I prepared to enter college, mania struck for the first time. More to come...
Carolyn
