I often feel I spend too much time thinking about myself -- worrying about the illness, medication side effects, and whether I am being productive. I even worry about writing posts at this site because I fear all of them show how self-focused I am. Sometimes I count the number of times I use "I" and it is a real eye-opener. I hate dwelling on myself so much, but I don't know what to do about it.
Activity helps. At the end of every day, I go to an MS Word document and record the date and what things I have accomplished that day. That way, when I feel I am being selfish with my time I can look over several days and see it is not entirely true. Because I run a lot of errands for my mother and am always looking out for her. Right now, I am undergoing med titration, from 5mg to 20mg of Zyprexa. And I am at 15mg now. So I tend to sleep a lot. And it is difficult to follow what others say.
I guess, too, that I really am thankful that I can dwell on anything when, for such a long time, I really couldn't think at all. I know I have to give myself some credit -- we all do. And I am learning, as another post said, to take hold of the people/things/events that are precious to me and try not to be everything for everybody. I am learning how to say "No," when something seems too stressful or I have no interest in pursuing a particular course of action. It is so difficult to say that to family members. But I think I am convincing them more and more that their approval is no longer my goal. I have to take care of myself.
And maybe I should revise that first paragraph. Perhaps I am not thinking too much about myself; instead, I am thinking about my own needs for the first time and it is a scary venture.
