This will not be a long post -- it is just that something occurred to me this morning that is doubtless crystal clear to others...but a new thought to me.
I have worried for much of my life about my weight and other control issues. I have spent quite a lot of my time and effort trying to maintain at an artificially low weight. I have weighed myself and counted calories most days since I was 12. I turned 50 last week.
Suddenly, probably because of the advent of my 50th year, I found myself looking at my life's accomplishments. What had I done that I was proud of. That I might boast about. Strangely enough, it was not that I was a size 3 when I was 37 yrs old. It was not that I had actually fasted with nothing but water for 2 weeks when I was in college. It was not that I managed to lose 16 lbs quickly while on Geodon. I had been ascribing much self worth and worth to others to the fact I ate only a certain number of calories each day.
Were these the things I could parade in front of the children in my life? Were these the achievements I could point to with pride and say, "Do as I have done." I had been sweeping all my early accomplishments into a dismal corner and dismissing them as "way back then" or "when I was in my teens" or even using the statement that "ECT robbed me of all my creativity when I was in my 30's." And all my later worthwhile accomplishments were written in small type under the heading: Things I have Managed to do While Schizophrenic. Like I had managed to crawl out from under a rock a few times and make a pitiful attempt at contributing to the lives of my friends and to my community at large.
This post is becoming longer than I had intended.
Anyway, today I took stock of what I am and where I am and what is my value in any milieu. I found that my size/weight/age had very little to do with my actual worth. And I became aware, also, that my brain disorder/diagnosis of schizophrenia/number of medications also do not create the sum total of my worth. I am who I make myself this day.
Carolyn
