Down to the Nitty Gritty

What is the area of most concern to me right now? Socialization. (Or lack thereof.) I even have a female friend or two, but I have no male friends. I feel I am frozen physically and mentally when it comes to talking to men. Of course, this doesn't just happen to people with schizophrenia. The topic has probably kept many a therapist in business, and many an online dating service. My father always disappointed me because he would never actually engage in conversation unless it was a negative comment. He gave those freely. I wanted love. Affection. So I made a plan. I decided if I could do things guaranteed to get my father's approval, then he would love me. So year after year, one attempt after another, I plowed headlong into projects designed to please him. You guessed it -- absolutely nothing pleased him. No matter what it was. Still, I didn't learn a lesson. When I got married, my husband was just like dear old Dad. And again, I began the cycle of approval-seeking. If I could just please him, I told myself, he would love me. So I put up with a lot of crap he dished out day after day. I groveled. I labored. I tried cooking everything from scratch. I tried giving in to his weird sexual fetishes. I tried to agree with everything he wanted. I let him tell me what to wear and where and what I could eat. I let him keep me away from my family for the 13 yrs we were married. I guess I better stop here. You get the picture. But did my husband love me? Did he say kind, compassionate things? Did he ever once try to please me? Very few times. I think this kind of ongoing pressure was such a stress that my usual depression bottomed out and I snapped. I was hospitalized and filed for divorce the day after I was discharged. Sorry bastard. I believe the pressure energized the symptoms of schizophrenia that had been clearly there since childhood. And I haven't been the same since. But back to the topic at hand, I would love to have a relationship with a man now but I am scared to death of what will happen. Is just jumping in the thing to do? I don't think so. My "plans" in the past didn't work out, so I know I need to do something different, perhaps something that is calculated to please ME instead of pleasing someone else. It must be possible to do both. How do I get out of this lifelong habit of giving up everything I want in order to try to give someone else everything he wants? I would welcome any replies. Carolyn