For some reason, depression and doubt swirl around my head and won't let me settle down for the evening. My brother's little dog is spending the weekend with us. She is so patient and and undemanding...and sweet and gentle.
Sometimes it seems I am chasing something that can never be caught. I try to "find myself" in painting and writing poetry. Am I pursuing the past? Maybe that is part of it. But a bigger part is I feel I will never live up to the expectations of my family. So projects come and go and I find myself no further along the path. Kind of stuck. Some time ago, I abandoned my own self-expectations, figuring everything good was in the past. That thing I chase is acceptance of me just as I am. And that is rare.
I have my headphones on listening to Coldplay. They have a new album that is really good. The music doesn't clear my head, though. It just delays facing my demons when it is time for bed. That is when everything falls in. When the walls collapse.
What am I trying to say here? I feel lonely. Stupid. Screwed up. Worthless. Maybe I should go ahead and take my meds now so I can fall asleep soon and escape.
Carolyn
