I had written a question about feeling addicted to sz, which David Robbins and Chris Bruni answered. I decided to write a little more about it. One of the hardest things in my continuing recovery is to let go of sz symptoms. They were "me" for so many years, I didn't know what I would be without them. For one thing, the voices and other hallucinations gave color to a world that had been dark with depression for years. In fact, they were a distraction from depression at times. The hallucinations were so shocking at times that I felt fascinated, even enthralled. And sometimes I felt flash frozen with fear. "Reality" was dull in comparison, so I began to retreat into my inner world.
When Zyprexa began to work, the relief was welcome at first. Then I realized I was giving up what seemed a vital part of myself. It took a long, long time for me to be convinced that the real world was not sterile and colorless. But perhaps the colors were pastel instead of neon bright. My thoughts had been moving so fast that the real world seemed slowed down and uninteresting...at first. I gave my therapist 2 analogies. One was that I had been in a room full of all my stuff -- a variety of mind-blowing paintings on the walls, patterned linens, a bargello rug, brocade furniture -- everything there had texture and personality. To give this up would mean a sterile, white, unfurnished room. No curtains on the windows, a bare mattress on my bed, etc. I felt I would have to start all over again. The second analogy was that my world was like a 3-ring circus complete with a Master of Ceremonies, elephants trumpeting wildly, clowns, acrobats; and without these things going on in my head I thought I would feel abandoned. My therapist told me I would be able to adjust, and I doubted her at first. But now I see that she is right.
I have found things that substitute for hallucinations and racing thoughts after making a transition over the space of several years. I know that having experienced these positive symptoms has positively affected my ability to write poetry. My paintings have become more vibrant and alive.
The problem now is really dealing with the flux of energy. I used to beg off doing things because I was too sleepy or could not concentrate or focus. But because I am now taking the Zyprexa as prescribed, I am growing less sleepy. And my thoughts are slowing down and allowing me to pay attention. Now I have to learn when to say "no" and figure out just how many projects I should take on at one time. Sometimes I still want to retreat into that pseudo-reality just for some down time. But over all I am proud to be moving forward.
Carolyn
