I got the impetus for this title from words in one of Christina Bruni's posts. Don't let others define your recovery. This is hard to do. If you are one of those people who looks to others for approval you may find this doesn't work with sz recovery.
Sometimes my sister asks why I do this or that. Like, "Why do you always get other people to drive you new places. Can't you drive yourself?" And, "You could get some kind of job going -- don't you want to work?" Also, "I understand what you've been through but you are okay now. Why do you still use it as a crutch?" Of course, most who read this will immediately be drawn to the phrase, "I understand what you've been through." Not a chance!
Once in a while I explain something about my behavior in the past or present and what part sz had in it. My family members and friends mostly gloss over it and think I should put it behind me and forget about it. Like you skin your knee and it is all healed now and the scar willl even be gone before long. Untrue. Schizophrenia has permanently marked my life inside and out. True that I am no longer in and out of the hospital several times a year. True that I am back to enjoying some of my old hobbies. True, I can now manage several activies per week. But every day I am reminded of how ill I really was and how far I have come. And I know that I am just a few pills away from relapse. I would guess other people think it is merely mind over matter but that is exactly the point. When your mind is malfunctioning, you can't just snap your fingers, sing zip-a-dee-doo-dah and say everything is satisfactory.
I guess I get irritated when others minimize what I have been through and what I am currently going through. Just this week my sister and I had an argument over whether I should live alone. She reminded me that the last time I tried, it only lasted 6 months and she questioned why that was. So I told her about a round of psychotherapy I was going through then that had put me through hell. It mentally unhinged me so that I could not take good care of myself. Plus my mother was very frail and needed someone to live with her and I was willing to do that. (My sister was not.) So my sister said, "Yeah, I understand all that but you have told me you don't ever want to be alone again." What? I have always been satisfied with being alone. I like individual pursuits. Not long ago she was asking me why I stay in my room by myself when other people come over. Now it is the reverse. Should I let her define my recovery? None of us likes being patronized.
I don't think I am a hypochondriac. I hope not. But I demand that others take note of my courageous journey through recovery. It would help me if they were supportive.
Carolyn
