taking the meds

For years now, I have experimented with my meds.  When I would take them a few weeks or months and start feeling better, I would stop taking them (especially Zyprexa) to see if they were really needed anymore.  Without the meds, I thought, maybe my creativity would return.  Maybe reading books would be fun again, or going to a movie.  Perhaps I could even make a friend or two.  I always thought that getting off the meds would in some way solve my problems.

Gradually, especially the last month or so, I have at last turned these assumptions around and am esperimenting with staying on the medications to see what happens.  Staying on the meds to see if I am more creative, able to read, to enjoy friends, to help others, etc.  And the most amazing thing is occurring.  I am moving toward recovery at a faster pace and greater degree than ever before.

Every morning and every night it is still a battle to swallow a mouth full of pills.  But I am trying to exercise both faith and trust.  And with days/weeks behind me where I have started feeling better mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally, I think it is going to be a real revelation to see just how far I can go.  My doctor says I have chronic schizophrenia, but he has never seen me totally committed to taking my meds.  Is it possible to move from "chronic" to "episodic" or even cyclical schizophrenia?  I never made him aware that I continually went on and off the meds over the years.

I still battle the hunger and sleepiness, but I believe it will become apparent soon that dealing with these med side effects is far better than dealing with the symptoms of sz.

Carolyn