For years now, I have experimented with my meds. When I would take them a few weeks or months and start feeling better, I would stop taking them (especially Zyprexa) to see if they were really needed anymore. Without the meds, I thought, maybe my creativity would return. Maybe reading books would be fun again, or going to a movie. Perhaps I could even make a friend or two. I always thought that getting off the meds would in some way solve my problems.
Gradually, especially the last month or so, I have at last turned these assumptions around and am esperimenting with staying on the medications to see what happens. Staying on the meds to see if I am more creative, able to read, to enjoy friends, to help others, etc. And the most amazing thing is occurring. I am moving toward recovery at a faster pace and greater degree than ever before.
Every morning and every night it is still a battle to swallow a mouth full of pills. But I am trying to exercise both faith and trust. And with days/weeks behind me where I have started feeling better mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally, I think it is going to be a real revelation to see just how far I can go. My doctor says I have chronic schizophrenia, but he has never seen me totally committed to taking my meds. Is it possible to move from "chronic" to "episodic" or even cyclical schizophrenia? I never made him aware that I continually went on and off the meds over the years.
I still battle the hunger and sleepiness, but I believe it will become apparent soon that dealing with these med side effects is far better than dealing with the symptoms of sz.
Carolyn
