I haven't posted at the sz forum lately -- most of my posts have been about depression.  But my depression and schizophrenia symptoms seem interlinked.  I can have either without the other, but more often if I have sz symptoms, they are accompanied by depression.  I guess because when the symptoms return, I feel hopeless.  Like, "Here they are again.  What am I supposed to do now?  Why isn't the medication working?  What did I do wrong?"  And often, the answers are unknown, but not necessarily unknowable.  For instance, stress.  It seems profitable to me to assess my stress levels often and alleviate whatever stress I can.  The less stress, the better I tend to feel.

Right now, however, I am under the stress of being a caregiver with no end in sight.  I have a brother and sister and yes, they help once in a while.  They always say, "Hey, I'm available," but when it comes down to time for Mother to be taken somewhere or for the laundry to be done or gas put in the car, it usually becomes my responsibility.  And I want to be a good daughter, don't get me wrong.  And I think I don't make a big enough issue out of my own stress sensitivity.  They know I have schizophrenia and depression, but once my major symptoms began to disappear and I was no longer being hospitalized every other month, they chose to assume that everything was okay.  That I was okay.  Feeling fewer symptoms, though, can make it easier to mask the symptoms that may still be bothersome or downright dangerous.  Like deep depressive episodes.  Some days I want to just lie in bed.  And not even move.  Barely breathe.  Everything is too much of an effort.

The last 9 days...and counting...I have been taking constant care of my Mother.  She fell and broke her back Tuesday of last week.  They still have NOT scheduled the procedure to stabilize her fracture and she has a little more pain every day.  And it appears it won't be scheduled today or tomorrow.  I know she is as fed up with the doctors/hospitals, too.  And I am so sorry it happened and that she's feeling so bad.

But the stress!

I am the live-in caregiver for now.  I still have my own apartment but have only been there once in the past week to get mail and water plants.  I'm more than eager to get back to my usual routine.  But what do you do when the stress factors seem to stretch as far as you can see?  I know people say, "Get your siblings to help more."  But it's not that easy.  If you have siblings, you have probably experienced that firsthand.  Today, I did get out and drive to the bank and the pharmacy to take care of personal business.  I bought some birthday cards and stopped at a women's apparel shop for a few minutes just to see what was new for spring.  But now I am back.  The TV is too loud.  I want to play my own music and watch my own shows.  I want to eat dinner out of a can or a box or run out for a hamburger.  Tomorrow, I hope to get the opportunity to do some painting with a friend...unless I am taking Mom to her procedure.  I have to rush to answer the phones in case it is a doctor calling.  I have to check and see if the mail is here a dozen times.  I have to prepare the meals and wash the dishes and wash and iron the clothes and wash the car (where did all this dirt come from?)  I have to buy groceries and keep up with my 8 prescriptions and her 4.  Nothing is easy right now...except for going to bed.  That's where I want to be.