cant think about others now

By alisza Tuesday, March 03, 2009

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i was laying a bath full of hot steamy water, listening to my music, the thought popped into my mind that this was my time, time to go, time to die, yes i have been taking my meds, but something led, me to this point in life, where it all seemed worthless, it is my time, i thought of ways to do it, ways i could escape life, flee from my troubles, my pain, i dont have time to think about your feelings, do you think about mine, the pain i go thru everyday, living this life, or do you only think about how you would feel, once its all done and over with, i have no other options, it feels, this is the only way out, to keep living, to keep pushing, to keep fighting, im tired, tired of fighting, pushing, living. but you say i am strong i can keep going on i can do this i can fight through this you see somthing i dont you see a person who is strong we must be looking at two different people

i hear the dog barking it startles me i hear my mothers voice i get out of the hot water to see whos there.....nobody....i guess i have to face another day

well......

Comments (6) | Add comment

Christina Bruni, Health Guide

3/ 3/09 4:21pm

Hi alisza,

I take your SharePost seriously and think you need to seek help, at the least, talk with a therapist once a week. And if you don't have insurance, there are places that will take you on a sliding fee scale.

Please, everyone here does care about you.

Be strong. Seek help.

Regards,

Christina

alisza

3/ 3/09 7:47pm

thank you for your concern i have a counsler and i dont see him as much as i would like maybe i should make set appts. with him not sure but thank you once again today i was feeling really bad but now i guess i am feeling better i have a lot of support at home and it really helps thanks

David Robbins

3/ 3/09 4:33pm

Alisza, I want to share a little story.

Many years ago I had a job as a busboy. I thought I would never amount to anything. The manager, lets call him Jake, was a hard man. He demanded hard work. I worked as hard as I could. For many years I struggled under his tutelage. He gave me many chances to move up and better myself. Then one day I became the manager. At first I wasn't sure how I made it that far. I looked back and realized he believed in me and pushed me when I couldn't.

Jake passed on, but his legacy continues with me. I push myself along everyday.

I hope that you can find a way to push through the things that are holding you down.

Keep journaling here. This is a great site for support and encouragement.

Take care,

Dave

Chris

3/ 4/09 3:29am

Hello Alisza,

You are brave to post in your struggle. You convey strongly the energy and pain it takes just getting through some bad hours at the moment for you.

What to say?

Firstly, I would back Christina's suggestion that you speak with your psych doctor and counsellor -Soon . Something simple might help greatly.

It is quite possible a 'tweeking' or additional anxiety reducing med might benefit.(And I do understand your natural ambivalence about meds) It is really quite common for periods of very low mood and despair to occur in early stages of recovery and obviously needs focussing on and taking seriously.

The professionals can only know this if you tell them!!, so do be honest about these powerful feelings and their timingin the day for example if there is a pattern*.

Don't put on a 'brave face' in the doctor's office....You are probably spending enough energy doing that outside. (You could even print or write out your post...it is very eloquent of 'where you are' at low times, for them to read?? That could be very helpful and perhaps forge a partnership for managing your journey with SZ. It will be very evident your determination and struggle and wish to understand more.. )

*Sometimes meds level in the blood stream fall just before the next dose is due -it is a fine balance, and things and stresses change since they last saw you.

Good luck anyway.Glad you have family support.

My last but very reccommended suggestion is that (if you are not already doing so? )you visit Valash's blog site Overcoming Schizophrenia regularly. Her most recent is 'thoughts on SZ' .She is young like you and it is inspirational and honest and full of encouragement as she makes her recovery. There are also lots of good links. I will try to link to it but if I fail, you can google it. Or if you search this site for Valash's posts her post 'my growing blog' has the link.

Good luck and keep posting,

Chris,

UK (retired doctor, non psych

link http://overcomingschizophrenia.blogspot.com (fingers crossed)

Kate, Editor

3/ 4/09 9:03am

Alisza, they're right: You are strong and courageous! Just take it day by day. You can do it!

You're in our thoughts and prayers!

Kate

GreenGoddess

3/ 5/09 6:14pm

My brother took his life last Sept. He was in Hell, I know he was, I hope he is in Heaven, sitting at the right hand of God. Point is, I wish he hadn't left me, left us. I try to get to the joy of his life, but I am still in the pain of loosing him. Your mom, others will be in pain. When you are too tired to think of others, I hope your mom's face pops in your head.

Good Luck

bdg

cant think about others now

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