I have been relatively lucky to overcome my illness, not hear voices, not have strange thoughts, and live a very normal life where I know what is going on.

I have the self reflection to look back at times I was getting better and still, I feel embarrassment. Other "normal" people do not understand or realise how embarrassing it is. At times in public, I have felt self conscious which led me to do things I deem embarrassing such as walk in front of people and other stuff. I crave to be perfect.

When I fall short of the mark, I over analyse and then realise nobody cares or remembers. The only one thinking about it is me.  I have at times said things I deem very embarrassing now on facebook, posts and in real life. I get paranoid and think the worst. Then it hits me, even so called "normal people" do that, only ten times worse. I see and hear it all the time.

I also have done things embarrassing in the workforce, I was forced into working before I was ready by the Government, society, myself, family. I and others have paid the consequences. I admit I was quite hopeless at tasks most people can do without blinking, and others thought I was stupid.

I have said strange things and worried about the past which has led people to think I am pathetic. However, just writing this has made me think instead of what I was thinking, I should think what was I learning? Writing is therapy for me and I have learnt to be positive around others and not sound mundane. I have not  mixed with many people in an intimate sense. I have mixed in groups yet said very little so I forgive myself if I am self centred around others. I am trying and learning. It will only get better from here.