I've posted several times relative to a conflictual relationship (she has sz) I've been coping with for approximately 3 years (both of us have been trying to cope). Getting into the relationship I had no warning that a breakdown was eminent, and it happened exactly 14 months ago and it's been a nightmare. To abbreviate and get to the point, there is no doubt that we both love one another beyond what you find in a typical realtionship. I mean, I still adore her and she adores me and has never cared for someone so much. The problem is, she still has delusions that I am the CEO of all the psychotic events she has experienced and they are many and to say bizzare is understating (even after errantly thinking I intentionally did these things to hurt her, she still loves me which I find puzzling too - why would you love someone you thought did evil things to hurt you?). She finally started medication treatment a couple months ago now, which has helped but not enough that we can be together (she still has delusions of persecution). I need her to trust me and she can't because she has anchored me to her delusions/hallucinations.
I haven't seen her for 20 days now and we have not communicated. It's definitely been good for me to be away from the unstable lifestyle. It's a question of personal ethics I guess but when is it right to move on and give up hope that we could reconcile? It's not her fault she has this illness and the illness is the cause of our demise. Yet, there is no garantee that she will ever recover enough that we could have a happy, healthy relationship. But the truth of the matter is we can not live together until she can understand and know that I never did the things she imagined and they were all delusions and hallucinations. There has to be a foundation of trust. What's the probability of that happening? You guys are probably tired of hearing this. I guess I've answered my own question, at least partially. The relationship is impossible until she realizes that what she percieves as absolute truth about me is delusional.
Do I wait? Do I continue maintaining contact? Should I encourage her through letters/email/text messages/phone calls? Does she need space away from me so she can find healing? Is it best for me to say goodbye, since my presence makes her uncomfortable because she thinks I have intentionally hurt her, though in reality I haven't?
Is there someone out there who has experienced this who has sz? Should I move on with my life? In reality that is exactly what I'm doing but is this the best course of action? I know first of all, I want to be her supportive friend. Is letting go what is best for both of us? I want to do the most loving, caring thing. Is letting go the most loving course of action?
Thank you.
Social Worker
Hello Social Worker,
You are searching for some peace of mind. Let me say that if you choose to let go and walk away, I understand and will support you.
A schizophrenic mind does not form rational thoughts. So, yes, it could be possible for her to at once love you and imagine you persecuted her. That is because she trusts you on some hidden level.
You will have to live with this double-edged tendency of hers for awhile if you choose to stay with her.
Recovery isn't quick, and as you probably know, it's a process, not an end point. It is possible she will always have residual symptoms. It is up to her how she copes with having them, and how she chooses to treat the people who love her. It is hard to say that she has a choice in the matter if she is not well enough to reason any other way.
You know the road ahead. You are a brave, loving person to consider staying in or getting out. Either way, she needs time to heal. Give her that time. Right now, I feel she could use a friend. Support her as a friend even if you decide not to remain her partner. Her feelings could change and the delusions could fall away.
However, you owe it to yourself to be honest about how long you want to "stay in" without getting your needs met, if at all that is the case.
In this regard, I support whatever decision you choose to make.
Have a good day.
Best wishes,
Chri
Hi Chris. Thank you so much for caring about the challenges in my little world.
I have 1 more question relative to maintaining a relationship with her. As I said, I want to do the right thing as her friend now, and not her significant person. She anchors me as the head of the conspiracy to hurt her and I feel that my presence creates anxiety for her. So, as her friend, is it best to avoid contact with her so she can work out her healing/coping with sz without my presence stressing her out?
The last time we saw each other or talked was May 1. We spent 3 days/nights together and it was very loving and caring. She made such statements "You are my dream come true" and "I would die for you Marty" and I know she meant that. So I don't question she has a profound love for me. My acts of unselfish love to nuture and love her have been so incredable and beyond what the general man will give and she remembers these especially before she had her breakdown. I think this is the foundation for the "trust she has for me on some level." But even with a doubling of her medication, she still has delusions she is being persected, though she is coping better.
I've made a few attemps to communicate with her since May 1st (sent a mother's Day card praising her for being an outstanding mother, phone call and several text messages) but she has not responded. Her kids are home from college for the summer so she's focused on them for sure which is a good thing. She's working out everyday at the gym which is great. I'm proud of her for how she is working so hard to do positive things to cope with her challenges. She also works with special needs children in the public school and she has a gift with them. She truly is a deep, loving person which is the major reason I adore and love her so much. She like a sunbeam that radiates healing love to those who come into her orbit. When I first met her, I saw this special quality and compared her to Mother Theresa. The core of her is so precious and a beauty rarely found. You'd adore her Chris.
She is not responding to me. Is it best that I discontinue making contact attempts even as a supportive friend? I know you can't tell me what to do and won't. What would you do in this situation Chris? Would it be a good idea to write her a letter or communicate that I want to know what she wants and needs (if any)? Ask her if she desires that I stop trying to contact her? She hasn't told me she doesn't want me to stop, but just isn't responding right now.
Thank you Chris. I know your world is busy. Thanks for caring. You are a beautiful shining light and rare too. When I read about what you've been through over the years to cope with sz it blew me away and touched me deeply. You are a champion.
Have a day full of small miracles all around you.
Marty
Dear social worker,
Write her a letter and see if she responds. Give her a certain amount of time, and then call to see if she got the letter and would like to talk to you.
At that point, you will have your answer. After that, I feel it is wise to let go and not contact her, if that is her wish or the sense you get when you see how she responds to you.
People change. She may also feel ashamed that she put you through what she did, and be keeping away. She could be keeping away because she isn't ready to return to the relationship. She might not want to return to someone who she feels, whether correctly or not, was associated with so much of her pain.
Write the letter, give her a chance to reply. Ask her in the letter to call you, saying that you would like to call her if she does not not. Give her time to read the letter, and call if necessary. After that, you may have to be on your way. Continuing to make contact after she has expressed no desire or ability to return to the relationship borders on unhealthy, both for you and her.
Please let me know what you think.
Best wishes,
Chris
Thanks Chris for taking the time to respond.
I think she's already given an answer by not responding or trying to contact me for 3 weeks now. There is no remorse on her part for she still is delusional even after her medication was doubled. She still thinks people are involved in a conspiracy to hurt her, led by me in some way. I can assure you that I have done none of the things she said I did. Her family has encouraged her to separate from me, likely because of all the terrible things she told them I did.
The truth of the matter is that it is unhealthy for me to be in a relationship with her and has been from the beginning, some 3 years ago now. I came in as her savior, laid down my life to help her heal (which I thought were her exclusively emotional challenges) suffered tremendously and this is how it ended. Even before her breakdown, she neglected me and was selfish. Her problems and maladjustments were always surfacing and most important. Life is not fair is it. It isn't fair that she developed sz. But it is what it is. It's a trajedy for sure. My heart has been breaking for her since she became very ill and I've done all I can do. I stayed in there and finally influenced her to get on medication and I feel good about that. On the other hand, I feel stupid for neglecting myself and my own well-being.
I need to heal now and am doing that. I knew better than to get in a relationship with a person who had so much baggage and historically, never have. I saw something very special in her and made an exception. Made myself vulnerable like a child and loved her from pure heart. The love I gave was holy and pure Chris. I cherished and adored her and treated her like she was precious. Most women would have been very envious. You know, even before her breakdown she had been hiding drug abuse from me. 2 years she was abusing ritiln (she had no prescription for it). I, loving and trusting like a child thought it was unusual that she could stay up for 2-3 days without sleep but never considered she was hiding drug abuse from me.
Well Chris, what time is it? I remember a beautiful and inspirational phrase recently shared by a very extraordinary person (that be you : ). "When life throws you a curve, hit it out of the ballpark." It's time to get back into the game and focus on nailing that ball. Thanks a million for listening to me and sending encouragement. God bless you plethoric measure.
Marty