Hi, im 28 and have to a degree been experiencing the following symptoms for most of my life but they seem to have intensified greatly in the last 5 years.

After reading quite a few websites like this one I became aware of things I have been doing or done that are quite troubling.

I talk to myself constantly, even when others are around. Im completely overwhelmed, troubled, consumed, and distracted by my thoughts and feelings. I, at times become extremely paranoid and worry that people are trying to trick me, poison me or use me. I rehearse conversations in my head and out loud and or replay them constantly. As a kid and early teen I use to repeat the ends of sentences other people said or said by myself (almost like an echo). I always think people are talking to me or about me. I can't sleep in total darkness, have trouble closing my eyes in the shower (the sound comebind with the visual deprivement overwhelm me). I don't sleep well, waking up every hour or 2 sometimes to very loud dreams. I sometimes hear loud voices and talking before I fall a sleep. I can't focus on conversation anymore, and I misunderstand most of what people say to me or ask of me. I also have episodes where everything seems to slow down and amplify, when this happens I become very confused and upset almost forgetting what where I am or what im doing. I quit my last few jobs simply because I couldn't function, constantly fighting the urge to leave or isolate(these were very menial jobs, taking out trash and cleaning offices). There is almost always a running narrative of what im doing running in my head almost like someone elses thoughts in my own voice are trying to make me doubt myself or discredit what I do. In conversation periodically I completely lose my train of thought and forget the entirety of what I was saying. I can't seem to talk without going off on tangents that lead nowhere or result in me losing my "train of though". I constantly forget things, I double and triple check things. For example, while driving I will look right then look left and then look right and look again and again and again ect.. and even them im still no sure of what I saw. I also have a very short temper, and seemingly get extremely upset or scared for no reason.

As a child (7 or 8, I don't remember exactly) i was diagnosed with ADD and prescribed ritalin, which after a week or so of taking made me feel as though I was stuck inside a dream. I threw a fit and begged to be taken off it and my parents gave in. Since then I was never treated again for it and from 3rd grade to 10th I just barly got by and dropped out just before 10th grade midterms. between 15 and 18 I smoked a lot of pot and looking back on it now was very delusional and had no direction. I believed I should retreat to the mountains and become a monk and take a vow of silence. Other grand plans like this were also mowed over, however I never did take any action to do anything about any of them. At 19 I had completely stopped using marijuana and after a quick born-again christian experience (thanks to some old friends) was convinced I was on a mission from god to convert people to christianity. This lasted for about 2 years before I started to withdraw from everything. From 23-28 I completely pushed everyone away and that brings me to where I am now. Holding no religious beliefs, only strange and unlikely personal beliefs which I feel as though im battling to discredit with every ounce of my energy. Also a side note on the marijuana; The first time I used it I became so distressed I believed I had at some point fallen asleep and was trapped inside a dream, and as I tried to fall a sleep that night I was terrified at the voices and chatter inside my head. This feeling persisted every time I would use it untill I finally stopped at 18 due to the fact that it was too intense and made me too paranoid and nervious.

My mother has lived with paranoid schizophrenia her entire adult life, my uncle committed suicide before I was born and my aunt has been battling drug addiction her entire life. Having so much contact with my mother I feel I have a good insight into her illness but recently I have become increasingly aware of symptoms like hers in myself (as I stated above).

Ive recently seen a psychologist who after a brief hour and a half interview said that she saw "some thought disorder", possibly a mood disorder, and also believes i have suffered with a learning disability my entire life. She got me an appointment with a psychiatrist which ill see in a little more than a month. She also asked what kind of progress I hope to make in 6 months and after telling her what I thought she seemed convinced that given the insight I have into my symptoms I would be back to functioning as normal in 6 months. I mean, im no expert, and i have no medical training whatsoever but I don't even feel as thought I even gave her enough to understand what is truly troubling me. I mean I don't even know myself, and it seems to be taking on a life of its own =(. Also, to be perfectly honest, im almost certain that theres something im leaving out even as I type this, looking over it time and time again.