Thanks for your reply. I know not to be off my meds but I think, god forbide, I could make it a day or so after the meds have flushed out. The thing that gets me is that the walls dont close in on me like before. For the last 5 years ive gotten off my meds 2wice and when the Zyprexa was out of my system I rushed up stairs and chewed 2 20mgs of zyprexa, layed down and counted to 10 hundreds of times, occasionaly contimplating suicide. I told myself if i wouldint of pass out in an hour and a half, I was going to stick a knife in my neck. SERIOUS, crazy huh? But a month or so ago it was different, my mind was calm. I was balancing to not have to many thoughts, I was afraid of having the old off med feeling, but it wasnt there, I could have made it, it was so crazy, I was happy. but at the end of the day I wasnt tired so I took the meds. I was happy for myself. Im petty sure now I have everything exept schizophrenia mood-disorder, bipolar, anxiety and depression. My parents notice the difference in me and so do I. I dont think that ill try risperdol anytime soon to try to be better (to painful) PAIN, I equate it to dying every 15 seconds, but i had hope, cause I knew why I was experiancing what I was going threw, I knew no matter what the risperdol would flush out and things were going to go back to the way they were.