Dear Jen,  For more years than I care to recall I convinced and reconvinced myself that with time, empathy, compassion, and love that somehow my family and I would be able to permeate my son's seeming unwillingness and/or inability to deal affectively with his illness so that ultimately each and every one of us might be spared the possibility of being physically hurt.  We attended countless sessions with some of the finest psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers in the country - and all to no avail.  Just so long as the individual suffering the illness is not cognizant of their illness there is little that we as loved ones can do other than unfortunately, at times, stand too close and be in the proverbial line of fire.  There are too many horror stories concerning loved ones being badly hurt, or worse, because they felt guilty about moving away from the situation.  However, you have little choice other than to protect yourself.  It's all very commendable to want to be 'there' for the person you love but trust me eventually the possibility exponentially increases that you'll be a victim in this tragic scenario.

Jen,

With all due respect, my advice [the only advice I can give] is for you to GET OUT of the relationship.

Chri

Hi once again, Jen -

You've indicated to me, once again, very strongly your love and attachment to this person.  I'm certain you're aware of the age-old expression that love is blind and to a certain extent that old adage is true.  There are stages of romantic development that one traverses when falling in love.  Full blown love doesn't just occur all at once.  Slowly but surely we become more and more involved with the other person and, more specifically, we learn to like and love various other aspects of their person and personality over time.  Then, one by one these stages become solidified and all meld together.  That's when we've taken the good, the bad, and the ugly, and with that collectivity all combined we arrive at what's known as the 'moon-juney' stage.  The problem in dealing with any semblance of reality at that stage is that our vision is totally obscured with varying degrees of unrealstic thoughts.  One of those rather pervasive thoughts, for example, is  - with sufficient love and time and attention - I can make this individual better.  Also, the thought that even if you can't 'cure' the one you love, you'll surely be at least able to modify the most negative aspects of their abusive behavior.  Those are the sort of thoughts that all caring and compassionate people want to have and hold onto.  Those are the thoughts of decent people selflessly motivated by love.  There is, however, one huge difference in the situation you find yourself.  The current love of your life is terribly ill and has already started to manifest negative behavior that's beyond even his control.  Don't you think he wants to be able to love you just as any other non-sick person would?  Do you believe for one moment that his mood changes and aggressive tendencies are something that he dearly wants to hold onto as part of his evolving personality?  Of course not!  Well, those questions beg another even larger question for you - How are you going to be able to emotionally and physically control what he himself has no control over?  If you honestly believe that he'll be released from jail having learned and internalized the lesson that hitting you spontaneously is not acceptable then you add a plus one to the positive column of your relationship chart.  If you accept that your friend will willingly and continuously attend sessions with his doctor and take all prescribed medication as ordered - then place another plus one in the positive column of your relationship chart.  Then, as a caveat, ask yourself what sort of father you think he'd make?  Further, ask yourself how, in your mind's eye, you see him reacting to the stressors brought on by additional financial responsibilities.  You can even ask how he'll fair on your wedding day?  If you're willing to ask all those important - no, critical questions - and answer them honestly and come away with a realistic answer saying that it's ok for you to go ahead and marry this man - then who am I or anyone else that's been in a similar situation to tell you not to?

I'll leave you with this suggestion, Jen - find someone close at hand who's a professional that you can sit down and talk with about your ankst and your pain and your love.  Do not; however, proceed with a wedding contract prior to your having that chat for if you do it will only be in retrospect that you remember these discussions with even more pain and ankst than your feeling right now.  My very best wishes for your ultimate happiness.

i have lived with my husband for 20 years this july.. he is also paranoid schizophrenic, he has his mood swings and always threatens to kill himself.. he had once told me as long as he's left alone for awhile that he would be ok.. so i leave him alone.. but when things got out of hand i called the cops to have him escorted to the mental hospital..of witch i get blamed for every time (3) times in hospital... i also want to help my husband  but sometimes there has to be professional help to go along with it... it seems to me all these years i new there wasn't something just right about him.. until he had a nervous breakdown when his mom and dad passed away 6 years ago 3 months apart.. he was then sent to the hospital i feel bad when i do this but i no that it will help him for a while.. needless to say that if you have children it is very hard on them to understand what is going on... i hope and pray that they don't inherit that gene, and also it helps to pray and have him go to church... we had done this for about 2 years and have fallen from going but it seems that when they have a relasp it just gets worse every time... i hope that your situation dosen't turn out worse... the counsilor told me that they were worried about our safty.. there is one thing that i've learned that i no when to get the hell out and leave him alone...