My boyfriend hears voices which are always negetive,and thinks his parents are paying people to poison him. When he feels anything abnormal ,or perceives any bodily feeling as abnormal such as abnormal heart beating, chest pain,numbness,head ache etc. he thinks it is a symptom of poisoning. When most likely it is anxiety, panic attacks,or side effect of his medication. Sometimes on top of this he will hear my voice in his head, or a vioce he does not recognize telling him he is going to die. He then becomes very angry, and terrified, and eventually becomes violent. Sometimes the violence happenens with no warning. Right now he is in jail for beating me and causing trama to my head. The injury was pratty bad,and cuold have rasulted in death. The problem is I don't feel I can abandon him, I am all he has.I love him so much. I want to help him, and be supportive. I realize I also need to be safe. What kind of therapies or help are available for someone like him. Also how affective are these treatments. Any Advice for me would be helpful.
Q: How do I deal with a paranoid schizophrenic who is violent and still be in their life?
Dear Jen, For more years than I care to recall I convinced and reconvinced myself that with time, empathy, compassion, and love that somehow my family and I would be able to permeate my son's seeming unwillingness and/or inability to deal affectively with his illness so that ultimately each and every one of us might be spared the possibility of being physically hurt. We attended countless sessions with some of the finest psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers in the country - and all to no avail. Just so long as the individual suffering the illness is not cognizant of their illness there is little that we as loved ones can do other than unfortunately, at times, stand too close and be in the proverbial line of fire. There are too many horror stories concerning loved ones being badly hurt, or worse, because they felt guilty about moving away from the situation. However, you have little choice other than to protect yourself. It's all very commendable to want to be 'there' for the person you love but trust me eventually the possibility exponentially increases that you'll be a victim in this tragic scenario.
drdehavior, we have a son who has had and in having classic and serious paranoid schzophrenia episodes we are desparate to help him. He is 31 years old and has just finished his first two years of medical school. He insists there is nothing wrong but all close to him know this is not true. What should we do and how can we convince him he must get help?
i think my brother has the schizphrenic becuase he hear voices and alot of stuff but i dont know how to fix it please someone help me i am begging someone if they can give me a phone number or something it would mean the world to me i am all he has and i just need help with it thanks
I don't know where you live but go in your phone book and look for a psychiatrist. This is a medical doctor who deals specifically with mental illness.
It doesn't make a difference if the person won't go. They will shut you out too. My father has this and was committed by the police during a situation once and was given drugs for a year or so. He just slept and so she took him off of them and they moved back to their home town to basically keep him out of trouble. It started with him always getting sick and ending up in an ambulance and then telling him they couldn't find anything... then it grew to where the neighbors where in the ceiling watching him and poisoning the food when he went to the store... then he had a sinus surgery and stopped working and it got way worse. He eventually got to the point that he doesn't even leave the house. My mother is 50 and has been with him since she was 14. She drinks every night just to deal with his constant talking about things he has done, people he has been, how many times they have killed him and he has come back, how the world is doomed and evil and perverted filth. He flips the radio none stop and the remote on the tv so much my mom has to buy a new one more often then any normal person would. For years he couldn't even watch TV because they were talking to him and watching him. When you have a violent person you love that you are just trying to keep calm and you aren't too educated living in a small town... what else can you do. Its horrible. I tried to talk to him the other day but I do it very carefully and he still will start talking as if I'm not even his real daughter, which by the way he says I'm not because I've been born a thousand times and he is an alien.
Your brother needs medical attention. You can't help him on your own. There are many medications available to help stabilize schizophrenia but a psychiatrist absolutely needs to evaluate him. I hope you can find someone to help you. There are also mental health clinics for low income people if you don't have insurance. You can call a hospital emergency room to get a list of resources or you could take your brother to the emergency room if he gets really out of control. I wish you the best. Mental illness is really difficult to deal with.
Hi once again, Jen -
You've indicated to me, once again, very strongly your love and attachment to this person. I'm certain you're aware of the age-old expression that love is blind and to a certain extent that old adage is true. There are stages of romantic development that one traverses when falling in love. Full blown love doesn't just occur all at once. Slowly but surely we become more and more involved with the other person and, more specifically, we learn to like and love various other aspects of their person and personality over time. Then, one by one these stages become solidified and all meld together. That's when we've taken the good, the bad, and the ugly, and with that collectivity all combined we arrive at what's known as the 'moon-juney' stage. The problem in dealing with any semblance of reality at that stage is that our vision is totally obscured with varying degrees of unrealstic thoughts. One of those rather pervasive thoughts, for example, is - with sufficient love and time and attention - I can make this individual better. Also, the thought that even if you can't 'cure' the one you love, you'll surely be at least able to modify the most negative aspects of their abusive behavior. Those are the sort of thoughts that all caring and compassionate people want to have and hold onto. Those are the thoughts of decent people selflessly motivated by love. There is, however, one huge difference in the situation you find yourself. The current love of your life is terribly ill and has already started to manifest negative behavior that's beyond even his control. Don't you think he wants to be able to love you just as any other non-sick person would? Do you believe for one moment that his mood changes and aggressive tendencies are something that he dearly wants to hold onto as part of his evolving personality? Of course not! Well, those questions beg another even larger question for you - How are you going to be able to emotionally and physically control what he himself has no control over? If you honestly believe that he'll be released from jail having learned and internalized the lesson that hitting you spontaneously is not acceptable then you add a plus one to the positive column of your relationship chart. If you accept that your friend will willingly and continuously attend sessions with his doctor and take all prescribed medication as ordered - then place another plus one in the positive column of your relationship chart. Then, as a caveat, ask yourself what sort of father you think he'd make? Further, ask yourself how, in your mind's eye, you see him reacting to the stressors brought on by additional financial responsibilities. You can even ask how he'll fair on your wedding day? If you're willing to ask all those important - no, critical questions - and answer them honestly and come away with a realistic answer saying that it's ok for you to go ahead and marry this man - then who am I or anyone else that's been in a similar situation to tell you not to?
I'll leave you with this suggestion, Jen - find someone close at hand who's a professional that you can sit down and talk with about your ankst and your pain and your love. Do not; however, proceed with a wedding contract prior to your having that chat for if you do it will only be in retrospect that you remember these discussions with even more pain and ankst than your feeling right now. My very best wishes for your ultimate happiness.
I'm sorry that I am asking my own question on this thread. I just happened upon it as I was trying to research if my husband and I are making a terrible decision. My husband has pretty much insisted we move his bipolar/schitzophrenic "best friend" into our basement. This man blew through over 200K in the last 4 years on drugs and toys (used porche, jet skis, etc). I have been told in recent months he was abusing "bath salts". He hears voices. Admits to hearing them and is very open and honest about his diagnosises. I am bipolar as well but I have been treated since 2003 and am on meds and am pretty much under control for the most part.
Here is where the problem lies. I have four daughters (ages: 15, 11, 5, & 7). 15 year old is drop dead gorgeous (im not just saying that because I am her mother) - all of my girls are stunningly beautiful.
This man is more needy of my husband than I have ever been. He has no parents (they are both dead), all of his friends wrote him off, his fiance left him a couple years ago, and my husband and I are all he has left. He has attempted suicide, and has abused every drug you can imagine, starting with heroine in high school.
I was 100%b against it when this move was proposed to me in the beginning. Neither my husband, nor this friend, would take no for an answer. I stuck to my guns because I am terrified for my family, mainly my children. He is medicated - i dont think he attends therapy sessions.
when my little brother (my baby since I was 8) was 18 he shot and killed himself. My husband AND this friend are fully aware of how devestated i was and what his death did to me (my other little brother died in a terrible accident less than 2 years before that - which is why my 18 yr old brother killed himself. we were all very close, best friends,). The reason I bring that up is because when this friends pleas and begging, and my husband berrating and degrading me as a person, didn't work it was finally put to me that if we didn't let this guy move in with us he was probably going to end up killing himself.
that was when I caved. I have kept it very clear about how scared I am and how unsafe I am going to feel in my own house and these two men swear it will be fine. Not to worry. My husband says he'll never let anything bad happen to us but I"m not that freaking naive. He is thinking with his heart. I am thinking with my BRAIN.
My hsuband is, at this very moment, on his way, on an EIGHT HOUR DRIVE, with our only vehicle, to pick this man and the remainder of his belongings up and will be back on sunday night to move him into our basement.
There was supposed to be a time limit - it was never set.
My husband and I agreed that if I even SUSPECT that this guy is using drugs - in my house or not - that he is OUT. Period. Now my husband says that "every junkie relapses at least once. It's to be expected" and I said then he's OUT. He made it clear that apparently he's allowed a chance?
I need advice. Real advice. He's on his way. I can't change that but I don't know what to do here. I love them both - my husband more of course. But when this guy is around I am put on the back burner by my husband. Every problem that happens is not his friends fault (regardless of if it actually IS) and I am wrong. No matter what.
I'm sorry to babble on and on but I need help. Advice. Something.
You say that you are bipolar and on meds. What does your physician say about this situation and its possible impact on you?
Your husband loves you and he loves his friend - fair enough. However, taking your own health into consideration, your husband has made it clear. It sounds like he thinks that you should be able to cope with "walking on eggshells" every day.
At the very least, if friend is suicidal, he should be seeing a therapist as a condition of his living there. Why should you be guilted into feeling responsible for his state of mind and whether he chooses suicide or not?
You seem to be very aware of how this could affect your children, which is a huge positive. Parents are often distracted from sensing their childrens fears by the reality of time & effort in coping with a situation. Depending on the type of child - some might be reluctant to verbalise fears to parents - in case it sounds like criticism. Down the line - perhaps there is no money or opportunity for therapy to "fix" the damage. I think that there is enough for children to cope with in todays crazy world without the extra stress in their home, especially if it can be avoided. Children are supposed to have a childhood.
My own father was a violent alcoholic. I understood that he was addicted and acted under the influence. But lying in bed at night, wondering if the whole family would be alive the next morning....that overrides any knowledge or understanding. What a thing to remember so vividly from your childhood!
My wife's brother has a personality disorder as a result of growing up in a home with a paranoid schizophrenic father - the PTS from the irrationality and unpredictable situations, despite knowing the father could not help it. She has not subjected me to the tension of living with her brother in our home, even when he has been needy.
Not everyone is a tough cookie. Many, if not most of us, have our own frailties which make it impossible to cope with living with someone like this and you should not feel guilty about choosing you and your children before this man.
If, after a few days of living in the situation, you still feel threatened for your childrens health, then you know what you have to do. You dont need others to tell you. "If only" are the two most used words in the English language.
i have lived with my husband for 20 years this july.. he is also paranoid schizophrenic, he has his mood swings and always threatens to kill himself.. he had once told me as long as he's left alone for awhile that he would be ok.. so i leave him alone.. but when things got out of hand i called the cops to have him escorted to the mental hospital..of witch i get blamed for every time (3) times in hospital... i also want to help my husband but sometimes there has to be professional help to go along with it... it seems to me all these years i new there wasn't something just right about him.. until he had a nervous breakdown when his mom and dad passed away 6 years ago 3 months apart.. he was then sent to the hospital i feel bad when i do this but i no that it will help him for a while.. needless to say that if you have children it is very hard on them to understand what is going on... i hope and pray that they don't inherit that gene, and also it helps to pray and have him go to church... we had done this for about 2 years and have fallen from going but it seems that when they have a relasp it just gets worse every time... i hope that your situation dosen't turn out worse... the counsilor told me that they were worried about our safty.. there is one thing that i've learned that i no when to get the hell out and leave him alone...
You have done your children a great disservice by having stayed with this man for so long. Your focus is on him and your love for him. Your children, their eventual partners and THEIR children are going to pay the price for your blindness. I hope that they are still young enough and that you have the time, energy and finances to send all of them for long term therapy before they become adults. Its not just genetic mental illness that damages lives. Its the resulting personality disorders that grow from living in a home like this which then go on to ruin other lives.
You need to understand that schizophrenia is NEVER cured. It NEVER ends. You need to choose between this or saving your children, if its not too late.
My husband and I split in December 2009 and he moved out in January 2010, He suffers from Parinoid schizophrenia, this May he tricked me into going away now he has taken custody of our 4 and 5 years old, he went to court and got a residence order and a prohibited steps order. I am going to court to get them back but fear for my childrens life, I have explained to the police that he my ex husband sufferes from Parinod Schizophrenia and they have ignore my cry , I have also explained this to the social services and their reply was he can still have the freedom to look after kids, this enrages me and I know that they are wrong to ignore me. What can I do?
Go to the newspapers and media. Public exposure of the social services and courts willingness for a schizophrenic to have young children in his full-time care should provoke some corrective actions. Of course, they will question your own fitness as a parent. Why did you go away, leaving your children behind? If you left them in a schizophrenic's care, you basically approve of him looking after your children on his own. But even if you did make an error in this way, your children should not pay for it. It also depends on where in the world you are living. I can think of quite a few places where its like Alice in Wonderland.
I agree with Riet. E-mail to your local newspaper and your local politicians (mayor, councillor, whatever) a truthful account of why you went away, who you left your children with. If you recognise now that you made a mistake in taking that risk, admit it. Then, highlight the fact that you do not think your children should pay for your naive mistake and that they should not be left in the full-time care of a schizophrenic. It could be argued by his supporters that he is fine, if he is taking his medication, but who is monitoring that? I think that most public figures do not want a situation to develop where children are harmed and it is revealed later in the media that they were warned beforehand.
I agree with Riet. E-mail to your local newspaper and your local politicians (mayor, councillor, whatever) a truthful account of why you went away, who you left your children with. If you recognise now that you made a mistake in taking that risk, admit it. Then, highlight the fact that you do not think your children should pay for your naive mistake and that they should not be left in the full-time care of a schizophrenic. It could be argued by his supporters that he is fine, if he is taking his medication, but who is monitoring that? I think that most public figures do not want a situation to develop where children are harmed and it is revealed later in the media that they were warned beforehand.
I was set up he told me to go away with my eldest son whom is from a previous partner and then he told me he will meet me in two weeks with the other two children which are ours, I did ask if I could take them but he refused. He then proceeded to go to the courts after my fifth day away he go himself a residence order and a prohibited steps order accusing me of abandoning the children. I waited for my return flight back to UK and now I am seeing a solicitor I really think I should go to the media because he has truly manipulated me and the courts. I cannot believe he has done this to me.
I am also in the same situation..I have been married for 13years and I think my husband has schizophrenia..He accuses me on cheating on him..he tells me that he saw me sitting with a guy that I don't even know and that I flipped him off..He says that I bring home guys and charged them money to sleep with them..I don't know what to do..I really love this guy and I know I have not done any of these things, but one think I don't understand he that he seems very normal around others but only towards me he is like this..He even sits and cries and tells me why did I hurt him like this and that he always give me so much love and in return he gets this..We have four kids together and this has been going on for almost more than a year..sometimes he gets ok with me and then he behavior changes again towards me..my family and friends tell me maybe he is acting but I can tell the difference between acting not acting..The only reason they said that is that why is he so normal with others but blaming you only..And sometimes I am even confused..there has been times where he would get very angrly and violent..I am trying so hard to work it out with him and telling to get help but he does not seem anything is wrong with him..I even took a lie detector test with him and he did not believe that either..I am trying so hard to save our marriage, but I think it's coming to an end..I really don't want that..He clearly said that he does not want to be with someone that cheats on him and embrasses him..but we have been going thru this on and off..What Should I do..Do you think he has a problem or acting..
YOUR HUSBAND SUFFERS FROM PARANOID SZEZOPHRENIA.THIS IS A SYMPTOM OF PARANOI PATIENT THAT THEY ARE GOOD TO ALL OTHERS BUT THEY WILL BLAME TO THEIR LOVED ONES MAINLY WIFE OR PARENTS FOR CHEATING THEM.THESE PERSONS DONT TELL ANYTHING BYHEART ONLY DUE TO SOME UNCONTROLLABLE CHEMICAL CHANGES THAT COMES IN THEIR MIND THEY DO AT THAT TIME BUT FROM THEIR HEART THEY ARE WHOLEHEARTEDLY ATTATCHED WITH THEIR PARENTS AND WIFE BEAUSE SOMEWHERE THEY THINK THAT IF I AM ILL OR IN SOME PROBLEM THEN MY WIFE OR MY PARENTS WILL NEVER LEAVE ME.BELIEVE ME IF YOU WILL LEAVE HIM BY ALL THESE NONSENSE TALKS BY YOUR HUISBAND HE WILL SURELY GOTHROUGH A SERIOUS NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.PLEASE SUPPORT HIM.HE SERIOUSLY NEEDS YOU.DONT LEAVE HIM HE NEEDS YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT.FOR THESE TYPE PERSONS FAMILY SUPPORT THERAPY IS THE BEST THERAPY MORE THAN MEDICATION.DONT LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND.
I am the daughter (now 24 years old) of a paranoid schizophrenic with psychosis. He is extremely violent and completely unpredictable. I lived with him for 4 years un-diagnosed and un-medicated. By the age of 16 I was the full time carer for not only my father but also his 3 children under the age of 8. I have had to have him placed in psychiatric hospital care over a dozen times over the last 12 years. There is nothing I could share on this page which will truly explain the position I have lived in and the horrific experiences I have encountered. In saying that. I found your post to be inaccurate and offensive. Not all children living with a schizophrenic parent grow up to have Personality Disorders nor are their lives ruined. My advice is to keep your children highly informed about the illness the are witnessing! Take them with you to doctors appointments and proffessional services that the affected family member attends. Knowledge is power and the more knowledge you allow your children to have the more they will understand this illness and cope with it. * I lived with and cared for my father from the onset of his schizophrenia. 12 years on and I now work in a Corporate job, Have a wonderful partner and am engaged to be wed, Am travelling overseas regularly and most importantly I do not suffer from any form of mental illness as a result of my expieriences.*
hi jen i am having problem same as ur boysf had do you have anyways to stop the voice he had? if please help me hey jen ur boyf heard voice of asian poeple? i think ur boyf heard ur voice in his head there is some 1 in camps of university conected ur head to his head i having 5 different voice from asian people jen tam_ngo32@yahoo.com 714 548 8568 tam
This could also be deom possession. I heard a story just yesterday at work with someone with the same symptoms. If you could find some godly Christians to pray over this person who love the Lord and hae a lot of faith, that would be of great use. Most people don't believe in demon possession now days because many people don't believe in the Bible, even those that do believe in the Bible somethings think demon possession has just gone away. Yet it is still here, under the disguise of a mental illness for many people. I would definately seek Christian counsiling. I also would not advize dating this person as they have no good intentions for you. You may feel sorry or compassionate for them, but do not let those emotions cloud your judgment. In his current state he would only bring harm to you, your future children, and your family. I would highly consider what ive talked about here.
Demon possession??? Really??? This is the 21st century! Did you just blow in from the 1500's or some remote African village? Apparently you haven't had access to quality education, a science class, a library or interfaced with anyone from the medical community working with mentally ill people. You missed the memo...demonic possession doesn't exist! We don't burn mentally ill people at the stake or lock them in cages anymore. That is probably one of the most damaging labels you could ever place on someone suffering from a mental illness. If you want to pray for someone, go ahead but get them to a doctor for god's sake. I hope your post was some kind of twisted joke because the thought that there are people in society who actually believe that satan is at the root of someone's mental disease scares the crap out of me. Ignorance is dangerous and deadly.
I am not a christian and do not practice any religion. I have a degree in Anthropology and Electronics and consider myself educated. The truth is your Modern science has had little more success curing schizophrenia than the average witch doctor. The most dangerous and ignorant postion to take is to assume that the limit of our power of our perception is also the limit of all there is to percieve. If someone had come along 200 hundred years ago talking about unseen energies such as UV, Xray, Radio waves etc they would have called them mad. Just because you cannot see or percieve a demon does not negate the possibility that they are real mo fo. For me I do not know if they do or not exist. I hope I never percieve one. Don't think your science is all that powerful, its very good at predciting outcomes given a set of variables not very good at actually explaining the why of anything. For example they can measure the force of gavity and predict its influence but they don't know what actaully causes every particle of matter in the universe to be drawn to the others.
Jen,
Maybe you should talk to him and try to get him to understand that everything is and going to be alright. You should sit with him and his parents and explain what is really going on. I have schizophrenia myself and ive learned that my grandparents dont actually atempt to throw be in a dryer. Ive coped with it throughout the past six years and im only 15 years old, believe it or not. I hope this helps you out and good luck.
:D
Schizophernic-teen: I am actually quite thrilled that you responded to Jen's post. We just admitted my son a facility. He is 10 years old and dealing w/this since he was 6 yrs old. A lot of people can hardly believe that he has this. I pray all the time for "EJ" but things are really bad right now but you have given me a ray of hope. I just wanted to thank you for replying to Jen's post to let me know that EJ is not alone and that there is a ray of hope.
hi hun i happen to be deaaling with the same situation! my boyfriend has been crazy lately i dont think his meds help him . he is not in jail yet because i have not gotten the cops involved but i feel i should my body is still sore from all the bruises. he has choked me 3 times now. when he chokes me its to the pint where i cant breath. i called my parents at 7 in the morning to come pick me up emmediatly . he called that night and i talked to him wich im regreting now because i had agreed to go to a relationship therapy with him just as long as he goes to anger managment and sees a regular therapist once a week. he is doing this for me . i just dont know if its worth it!! it will be hard but i NEED to leave him and so do you!! we try to help but its out of our hands when its a chemicle imbalance circling there brains . my boyfriend cant even eccpologize until later on because he doesnt remember hurting me. so i really hope you see a conselor like i am to help us get out of this dangerous relationship
take care
annonymous
is he prescribed meds. the side effects of the meds are commonly percieved as an invasion of privacy. or an infringing of their rights. they can be uncomfortable. theyy can cause racing heart. the side effects of my meds caused my lifestyle to change. it caused my body to change. i hate to sound like a sore loser. but the side effects of the medicine could be what he is referring to as "poisoning". Let him have grief over their side effects. Patients grieve over their side effects and lost abilities. some meds i had to go through. i had to go through trials. not clincal trials. but trying different meds. some cause anger and some caused my dad fistyness.
I have a brother who is ill, and he is very spiritual. Don't know if your boyfriend is? My brother's voice is a rich lady that is out to ruin his life, and has poisoned everyone against him. I ask him if his faith is stronger in God than in this lady, when he tells me yes, then i ask him to see God as his shield and that she cannot hurt him with this power in his life...the only way she can penetrate through is by his lack of belief in himself and those that love him. I then say a joke that would get him to react, then he usually moves on. I never tell him that it's in his head, because to him, it's real...so, even though it's exhausting, i act like i know exactly what he's going through, so that he doesn't feel alone. I even apply his stories to my own life experiences...and show how i too have those frustrations, but end with a positive on how "they won't win"... "can't bring us down"...he gets pumped up and usually snaps out of it.
You have to realize that you can be in serious danger. they don't know they are hurting you...the ones the love...they are just overwhelmed by these voices, confusion ....zombie like....be careful.
hey jen, my name is chloe i am 15 year old and i also have a person in my family that is a schizophrenic.... my mum. she hears voices in her head telling her to kill everyone she thinks is looking at her funny, she also calls the secound voice debbie.. and also has bi-polar disorder. she has an extreme case of it also she has been admitted to the hospital a number of times becuase of very bad incidences. my dad i moving out and my brother also has symptoms of schizophrenic signs. my dad is having a total break down (thats why he is leaving) and im the only one in the family that has to deal with everyone. and im scared i might get schizophrenia too becuase my mums father had it.... the reasons why my mother got it is becuase when she was little she saw her farther shoot her mother and so he got arrested and then comitted suicide when he was in jail and so my mother went to a very voilent orphange then she ran away and lived on the streets for many years then meet my dad they have been together for almost 20 years but spliting up becuase of the horrible issue..... and i think so e of the replies helped a little thank you
girlfriend i had a man like that too and you need to gather your strength and let him know either he gets help or u GET OUT. it was hard for me to leave mine but i had to before it was too late i had to think of my child and myself first because if you dont love yourself enough to say thats enough how can you love him through what he is going through. my boyfriend got very violent and would talk to himself for hours at a time and most times it was really scary because he would speak so roughly but girlfriend you have to put you first, either he gets help or u GET OUT.
i know its not an easy thing to do but you cannot love this mans life more than you love your own. all it takes is one wrong thing to happen while he is in one of his fits and your life will be over. i am truly concerned for you
i've been in the same situation and for several years, continued with him. apparently he has been diagnosed with schizo something way before i met him but other than some temper tantrums (he was in the opera after all and a diva in a way.. i'm a singer too but more folk-based. although we both did meet in the opera, singing in the chorus, and i had a little solo that year) well all said he seemed pretty normal and all and worked out at the gym and was loving and really, it felt like heaven being in his arms in the beginning, and sporadically at different times in the course of our love affair. i felt so much love for him that when he was in jail or disappeared for the moment in some other way i didn't know what to do and all i've wanted was to die myself. i turned amazing guys away because i was so in love with this man - john. i still am, despite the fact that we have separated more than a year ago, and i've forced myself to get close to others. i just can't let him go from my heart and thoughts. the last week we saw each other over this arts project we are collaborating on with some other people; and i gave him a ride back to the bus. mind you before all this i was having a brilliant, loving, positive, blessed day. everything seemed to be going seemingly okay and we were chatting on the way to the bus we passed by the airport in l.a.x. which was packed with traffic, possibly for the upcoming thanksgiving holiday. something happened and he misinterpreted something i said and he started acting angry and very angry and almost punching stuff in the car or me, as has happened in the past, but this time he just opened the door and quickly got out in the middle of the freeway traffic jam, before anything happened. he tried to open the door and it automatically locked and his bag got caught for a second in the driver's gear thingy and this sort of thing could have spelled out a huge, HUGE accident and violence from him due to his current state of mind and past experience when he gets like this. he did get out without any teeth of mine broken or any head concussions or any violence to my car or broken glass - all of these could have happened, again, due to his physical power, body size, level of sudden extreme anger, and past experience - he got out. which now leaves me in the car alone. momentarily relieved this whole thing didn't result in police and hospitals or pain. but then i realized he was gone. all the stuff like this that had happened before in the course of our 5 year relationship came back and i missed him immeasurably immediately. i called him and he wasn't answering. i risked accidents by going around the block in and out of that airport traffic jam several times but didn't see him. i started worrying he got hurt crossing. or police picked up. or he got into a fight with someone else on the way out of the car and to the dark night's sidewalk. i got through one call to him where he had this funny voice on and was saying he is at the police and they are going to come to arrest me. i looked more for him and decided to drive on to where i was going to spend the night at a friend's house in glendale. i didn't hear from him and thought either he had gotten killled somehow that night or he got arrested or who knows. i was devastated, hopeless, sad, very much in a mental frenzy about what was going on that maybe i could have somehow prevented or been more sensitive to him earlier in the night when he tried to tell me something but i was not wanting to hear negativity so i told him so. anyway i got super super busy the next few days but this was haunting me the whole time and i had this lump of sadness in my throat and pain in my heart. i was busy and got even busier and re-connected to some other friends and new people and then thanksgiving came around and i still hadn't heard from him. everytime i called the number went to voicemail or just rang once and no answer. he usually in the past calls me back at least sooner or later. this time he didn't. there were a couple of guys i'd casually been dating and they just didn't seem like i wanted to bother with anymore, he was my man after all, i wanted to be back with him. i spent thanksgiving with friends and singing in a choir and new people. met great new people btw. eventually i decided to file a missing person's report. i did that over the phone. it felt like a scene from a hollywood movie. i talked to a detective and gave him all the details and the detective felt my pain. an hour or so later i got a call from john. and the detective who said he was able to reach john. john said he is fine and just cut it real short and after that we talked a few times but very briefly. it was weird - felt like talking again to a person you are very close to, who died, but not being able to say what you really need to say because they cut you short or they don't hear. anyway it was a relief and it freed up my soul knowing that he is okay and not laying in some hospital somewhere. but still he wasn't with me, we were not cuddling and making cute baby eyes at each other. i missed him so much. but i was reminded of all the pain he's put me through for years of things of this nature and every time it feels like it's the last time i saw him. he should be the one worrying for me, you know? i'm driving in the middle of the night and looking for him and i'm the one who could be getting hurt. i don't know how to end this cycle and even though technically i know i should fall in love with someone healthier, still i don't know how to let him go from my heart and really love someone new. it might be the case that i'll never be able to. someone said he's my twin flame. a soulmate that you can't absolutely be with but you end up destroying each other. i'll keep trying to re-connect to him because it's been several days since we talked and not having his voice to hear, even if he's just being mean or distant, feels like a deep void in my heart. i'll keep trying to meet someone else to fall in love with too and who knows, maybe someday i'll break free from this chain of fools situation as the aretha song says - wow did i live out that song, and many more, with john my beloved. xoxoxx, kittykat
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jen,i keenly advice you please dont leave your boyfreind.if you seriously love him then dont come out of the relationship.i can understand the situation but what this problem can occur to anyone ok it is your boyfreind but it might be have occured to your mother your father your sister then you have left them.i know paranoi persons are very emotional.ifyou are close to them they can be rude to you butif you will feel deep into their heart they loved those persons the most with whom they are rude.plese dont leave him he seriously needs you.this is only the true love.when we are ok all our freinds and relatives are with us but when we are alone we seriously need someone then noone is there to help.i reuest you for God sake dont leave him.he seriously needs you.