(It's long I know. You don't have to read it all, if it is too long for you, just the key parts.)
Something's wrong with me, and I'm wondering if it is indeed Schizophrenia or some type of it.
So you can better understand why I think that I am here are some of my symptoms(?).
Racing thoughts-- While it's not really a racing thought, it's more of a dream, but it's the same one I keep thinking about. I know what I'm doing, for now, but I will imagine that I'm in some house with people that I either don't know or do. It's basically just random things/conversations and nothing weird, probably something that happens to others on a day to day basis. I've been doing this since I was around 11, and quit for a while but I'm now doing it just about everyday..all day. It's gotten to where I can't break free from it.
Insomnia-- I don't know if it is just my anxiety that my life is going no-where that is keeping me up at night, or the thoughts, but I cannot sleep for anything.
I also have dissociation (I've diagnosed myself on that, I'm not 100% sure yet). I have to ask myself If I really am somewhere, or have just lost it and am imagining the whole thing.
Irrational thoughts--I haven't seen anything or heard anything, but sometimes I get these crazy ideas in my head. like someone's going to kill me. I know deep down it's an irrational thought, and I don't know if it because I have seen this illness first hand and am picking up things that I have seen/heard and just scaring myself, or if I am getting it.
I also get the thoughts of hurting my pet, something I'd never do in a million years but they still scare me.
Another symptom(?) Isolation-- I don't go anywhere or talk to anyone that isn't related to me. If I do I start shaking and acting rather odd. So if I do go out, I have to have someone I know with me at all times. This has been going on since 2006. I mean I've went places and dated, but never got a job or done anything on my own.
I've suffered from depression when I was younger and ended up resorting to cutting to deal with my life. I have stopped cutting but I'm kind of depressed with my life. Not to the point where I'd cause harm to myself or another, just more like bummed out. I don't know if that's a sign or not, but maybe it'll help.
I have family members with this illness, including my own father so I'm wondering if I'm starting to get this devastating illness as well. Or if I've just gotten messed up through the years from being around my family and their crazy delusions and the things that I've gone through with them. I'm just so afraid that I will start talking to myself some day to even try and get out and do something. I am starting school in august, something I'm pushing myself to do. I want to be a PA (Physicians Assistant) but I'm afraid maybe I'm trying to pursue the wrong career because if I don't get it now, and do later, then I'll lose my job.
Does it sound like I'm developing the early stages of it? Or has anyone else experienced this? Please any information will do. I'm desperate I just want my life back and I feel like I'm on the edge of waking up and no longer being myself.
I've tried to tell my mom that I've got it, but she doesn't take me seriously. I WILL get help; It's something that I want so bad right now even if I don't have the exact signs of SZ. I'm tired of feeling so lost like this, not knowing if I'll slip into an alternate reality. I'm basically just looking for an outsiders opinion or someone that actually suffers from this illness before I try again. My family's either locked up or too embarassed to give me any information on this or I would've gone to them.