My mother has a paranoid personality, and my girlfriend's father was schizophrenic. Should we marry?

Hello Ricardi,

With all due respect, I want to answer your question with care and attention and empathy.  At least five other people have used the "Ask" feature to ask the same question you have.  I don't quote the statistics, though they are out there and from what you've said, the odds don't look good.  I would say there is a strong possibility, based on the statistics, that you could have a child who develops a mental illness.

That being the case, ask yourself some questions: Is your bipolar disorder under control, so that you could manage the responsibilities of being a father?  Do you feel you would have the ability to care for a son or daughter with a mental illness on top of caring for your own bipolar?

I know of people who have schizophrenia who have kids.  One of them has a daughter with bipolar.  He raised her successfully, and she is his pride and joy and has many wonderful accomplishments under her belt.

As for marrying your girlfriend, what you really need to ask yourself is if your love for her and your emotional stability would be strong enough to help you weather the bad times if she or your child developed a mental illness.

As an expert blogger at this web site, I can tell you I'm a women of child-bearing age who has a diagnosis of schizophrenia, and I choose not to have children because I don't want to give birth to a child who could develop schizophrenia.  It is a full-time job managing my own symptoms, and I wouldn't be in a position to raise a child, even one without a mental illness, at the same time.

Schizophrenia runs in my family, too.  I could worry about this, or I could live my life.

The bottom line is, if you decide to marry, and if you decide to have kids, you need to move forward with a positive outlook or your worry will eat at you. So, lastly, I'll tell you what I'd tell anyone in this situation: take your meds, see your psychiatrist, educate yourself about your illness, and if you decide to have kids, be aware of the early warning signs and get them help quickly should you notice anything unusual.  Early intervention leads to a better outcome.

You love your girlfriend, and that's what matters when you decide to marry or not marry her.  My friend's aunt and uncle had schizophrenia, and his father never developed it.  It is possible that your child wouldn't develop it.  You have to decide if you're willing to take that chance.  Do you absolutely, positively want kids no matter what happens?  Some couples desperately want children because that is their life's goal: to have a family, it's the one thing that matters above all else to them.

Do you think it hurts me that I'll never have a kid?  Yes, it does, but the alternative is no option in my book.  You may have a difference of opinion.  I know many women with schizophrenia who decide to have kids.  That is their choice.

I will stand by you in whatever choice you make.

Regards,

Christina

Any two people who marry bring some baggage with them.  The two of you bring the baggage of familial mental illness.  At least you should be able to understand how the mental illness of family members has affected the two of you, and maybe that will even bring you closer.  Look at it not as a threat to your relationship, but one of the many commonalities you share.  If you are afraid you or your girlfriend might develop a mental illness, maybe you can decide beforehand how you would handle it.  If you are afraid to have children because of it -- that is a very personal decision and no one else can make it for you.  Personally, if I married a loving and caring person I think the two of us could cope beautifully with a mentally ill child.  You can't live your life and plan your future around things that might or might not happen, you just have to step out and live life to the fullest every day.  And how better to do that than with a woman you love?

Carolyn