I am glad that you have had two answers to your specific question from the experts on the forum.   I would like to comment, as a non expert, hopefully constructively, but less specifically to your query., more responding to the anxious distressed 'flavour ' of your post. There is suffering here. Do seek help. You will be understood.   From reading your post it seems that you definitely are experiencing significant severe negative mood , with ideas of self harm, triggered by external stresses.    As Christina suggests, that surely warrants urgent  thorough assessment by a sympathetic psychiatrist so a plan towards  relief, can be put in place. You owe it to yourself....    The plan might well be a combination of de-stressing meds , tailored to your needs and some listening therapy for example. You have great insight . It seems likely with your FH that you may have sz/ bipolar spectrum tendencies under stress.  Best to avoid the trauma of a full blown flare and have some defences in place.From my understanding this approach can sometimes avoid a big guns approach of crisis management and reqire lower dosage of meds.   Good luck, Chris UK retired doc (non psych) Family member  has untreated episodic psychosis