hi, i dont know did i drop a right question here, but it took me alot of courage to post this cause i felt so insecure that everyone is against me and recording of what im doing and might know who am i.  i dont know am i suffering from any mental disorder or im just stressed. im depress most of the time, since age 10. ( im 19yrs old, student ) but no one know cause i dont express my feeling to anyone. im so suspicious that i dont trust anyone. i attempted suicide once by taking 18 pills of paracetamol (600mg). i was sent to the hospital after 5 hrs by my family. i meet the psychiatrist, refused to answer her question and telling lies too. ( even lie bout my own name) im so stubborn and reject to take treatment. have some memory loss. i really dont remember some of my pass history.

im suffering in anorexia 2 yrs ago (165cm 43kg) then bulimia nervosa for 1 and a half year. ( still having now ) currently 165cm 52kg. i hav no confident and low self-esteem.

frequently have suicide though, when my mood is at the bottom. i cut myself, i use long needle to pin my leg to release the inner/mental pain. sometime have mania though of killing/hurting someone.

i even have sleeping disorder,not sure insomnia or "Non-24-hour sleep wake" with bruxism too. i only sleep 3 hours everyday. sometime dont sleep at all. while in REM sleep, i can control my dream.(im not sure how others did,i don know is this common for others) ALL my dream are negative. i cry and sweat when dreaming, locked in dark room, someone try to kill me, death, unable to escape, etc. easily fall into REM. i selpt for 30 minutes and i had a long dream. at night im awaked by a strange feeling that someone is jumping on my bed. when i open my eyes no one is there. sometime heard someone calling my name or someone open the door.worst bed spinning and make me dizzy. Every morning i wake up feeling extreamly tired even at holidays and every morning my 1st though is " another long terrible day". i hear strange voices, but i cant tell it is real or its was my hallucination.sometimes i mixed things happen in dream and reality and sometime i thought it happen years ago but the truth is it just happen yesterday.

i feel everyone is talking behind my back. i have this stupid though that the host in the television can see what im doing(rarely happen) each time i took my shower, i felt there is a camera recording me and the world can see me. i lose interest in everything. im not attracted to any movies,object,activitys,peoples... i dont see any beauty out there. even im typing now i felt u already reading it. i hate people to touch me or ask about my stuff.

i appear to be healty and normal infront of my family and friend, maybe a little introvert. but im not comfortable when outdoor-ing. i rejected every activity or hang out with friend by telling them im busy. im afraid to  answer incoming calls. i talk to myself alot(loudly when no one around) i talk and talk and then i laugh without reason. few second later i feel down.. ... worst cried. i cry and laugh of sudden without reason. i dont smoke, alcohol or take drug at all.

im afraid im scared im confused. i feel despair, hopeless ... a part of me telling myself should accept and seek for a treatment, but i just cant trust everyone. sometimes i'll think ... why human work so hard to keep self alive....should i be continue ?? i know evryone suffer from stress. but its this common ? or its just that im too weak