Is schizophrenia the answer to why my life is the way it is ?
For the last 15 years I'm 35 , i have been hiding my true self from the world. At first i started to hear things like my inner mind was talking to me i went to alcohol for the next several years in very large amounts - i stopped drinking 2 years ago. I have what i call the council that i feel control me and advice me on what to do what to say how to move virtually everything , i can ignore them but only for a small amount of time, the council is a group of life forms people inside my head like people around a round table and at times well they tell me or i sense what they want me to do and at other times i can in a way debate with them. I feel that i am able to contract diseases and also rid myself of diseases using my mind and i feel that my mind determines if i have a disease hard to give examples its like i will have all the symptoms of a disease but i can use my mind to get rid of it also my council can support me. I have a very hard time trying to convince myself the world around me is real , i feel certain at times i could walk in the path of an oncomming car and not get hurt , i feel it is only negative thinking that will hurt me and thats why people who do it get hurt because they were thinking they would get hurt. I can barely talk to people as their words start to get all jumbled together and my council starts to talk to me and my mind is like whirlpool. When i walk around people become blurry and i either feel like i am invisible or that there are certain people fixated on me. I have to repeat in my head everything i say out loud before i say it otherwise it does not make sense , also i struggle to verbalise myself in my mind i know what i feel and what i want to say but i can not verbally express it i cant verbally structure the words correctly so most of the time i wont say anything or i will try to say a shortened version.I have the feeling that i may have died many years ago and that i am living in an alterante reality a heaven or some realm in waiting and that no one will understand this and i can not prove it. I have feelings that Jesus knows how i feel and understands and i am sure that i influence the world , many times things i have thought about have come true i feel i have the power to control events things that happen in the world but i cant harness the power , its like i have wings but i dont know how to use them i know i can fly but i dont know that you have to flap the wings to fly.For the most part i am emotionally neutral towards people , i have panic attacks and i avoid talking and interacting with people at all costs , other people have called the ambulance for me several times when i have collapsed bevause i refuse to due to not wanting interaction. I dont like it when people get hurt but in a way i dont care if a person infront of me was shot dead i would not flinch i think perhaps i would not comprehend if it was real or not as i have no refernce point to draw on , that is when i am on the bus i look for similar things like an elderly lady getting on or a mum with a kid and i try to think of this is normal these people are real you are on a bus , dont do anything wrong , while this is going on my council is always talking to me and the seats may appear to move or certain people will become blurry . It is very hard when i swear im about to pass out and i feel like i am losing complete control and i am in a bad way when i lose contact with my council but this luckily does not happen to often.That is all i am allowed to write for now there are many other symptoms and such i have and experience . i hope for any help or advice thank you.
Hi xylar This is doug I have very similar symptons (read my post i think july 11).I waited for a "good day" and went to emergency and talked to a phycriatic doctor. She put me on medication and told me to see my doctor to set up an appointment with a phycatrist, First time see took me seriously.ususally she tried to treat me for depresion. Anyways a month later (on medication ) the phycatrist diagnosed me with mild schizophrenia with a fear(phobia) of the world (i think he meant society). I suggest cause im not a doctor you try a similar approach. It may take a few attempts but dont give up I feel like a new man and i only just begone the road to recovery( the rough road the bible talks about i guess.)
good luck and stay clean Doug.
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Hello Xylar,
This is a hopefully helpful reply rather than an 'answer'!
I hear your distress and believe you indeed have been struggling manfully with a serous illness,yes,very probably schizophrenia, probably self medicating on the way to get by.
Glad to hear you are now keeping yourself away from alcohol, no mean feat.Bravo!
The good news is that is that there are many medications which should so much help you feel better.You describe so well many symptoms that occur when the disordered brain-workings alter perception of reality.After all our sense of reality can only be what we uniquely struggle to make of it! The disordered workings can be 'straightened out', and some relief should come early, others will take their time....
The fear you have been enduring is palpable in your post.
We 'learnt' about the catatonic state at medical school,(many moons ago!) when someone in acute throes of mental illness 'collapses', freezes and is 'blanked out', but your description helped me 'see it from the nightmare of the inside'. To the outsider the suffering person just appears blankly absent and unreachable. You explained why.
As Doug suggests I would get urgent psychiatric attention, so that you can start on the path to relief and recovery.Be listened to. A good doc should have no difficulty in realising that you need medication. If I were you, Xylar, I would print off your Ask question and get them read it. It says things so clearly.I really think it would be helpful to you and them.
Good luck, Dont take no for an answer.
Keep posting
Chris, retired doc(not psych) UK
mother of sz sufferer
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Hi xylar,
Sounds like you could have schizophrenia, a treatable disease that many people recover from. I suggest you see a professional who would be in a position to make the diagnosis and in that instance he or she would prescribe medication if you indeed had schizophrenia. The key concern I see in your writing is that you have panic attacks. With the right meds, your life could become more manageable. I'm not saying that you'll have to give up the council or that the council will necessarily go away once you start taking the meds. However, you will hopefully feel more secure in the world. I also suggest you write SharePosts here, as others have done, to get support for what they go through.
Peace,
cb
I urge you to seriously consider going into treatment with medication and therapy, if a professional makes the decision that you indeed have schizophrenia
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I had questions similar to yours when I was in the deepest throes of depression and psychosis. I also had a "council" of sorts, although I called them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, who were always watching me and commenting among themselves. After a few years of being on Zyprexa, they disappeared completely, after putting up with them for 38 years. What a relief! So for me, it took a while (on Zyprexa) but I did stabilize and begin to recover after that point.
Best wishes.
Carolyn
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