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Hello Xylar, This is a hopefully helpful reply rather than an 'answer'! I hear your distress and believe you  indeed have  been struggling manfully with a serous illness,yes,very probably schizophrenia, probably self medicating on the way to get by. Glad to hear you are now keeping yourself away from alcohol, no mean feat.Bravo! The good news is that is that there are many medications which should so much help you feel better.You describe so well many symptoms that occur when the disordered brain-workings alter perception of reality.After all our sense of reality can only be what we uniquely struggle to make of it! The disordered workings can be 'straightened out', and some relief should come early, others will take their time.... The fear you have been enduring is palpable in your post.   We 'learnt' about the catatonic state at medical school,(many moons ago!) when someone in acute throes of mental illness 'collapses', freezes and is 'blanked out', but your description helped me 'see it from the nightmare of the inside'. To the outsider the suffering person just appears blankly absent and unreachable. You explained why. As Doug suggests I would get urgent psychiatric attention, so that you can start on the path to relief and recovery.Be listened to. A good doc should have no difficulty in realising that you need medication. If I were you, Xylar, I would print off your Ask question and get them read it. It says things so clearly.I really think it would be helpful to you and them. Good luck, Dont take no for an answer. Keep posting Chris, retired doc(not psych) UK mother of sz sufferer