Hi Carolyn,

I understand what you are going through.

Taking a risk is never easy, and it's a lot harder when someone has schizophrenia.

When I first started out in recovery, I worried that I would get sick again if I took risks.

This is maybe the counterpoint to what you're going through, yet both are sides of the same coin, no?

I wrote about this in the Winter 2008 Living Life column for Schizophrenia Digest, where I also am a featured columnist.  To summarize, I questioned what would happen when I no longer had the paranoia to feel back, er, fall back, on.

I realized the paranoia was just an excuse.  Even today, I feel I have to reach out to the people I was embarrassed to face because of what happened when the Stelazine stopped working as effectively.

An ex-friend called my worry a "repetitive habit of thought," and sure enough, that's what it is, something that has been entrenched for at least two years, more so than it had been.

The question is, what do you do?  Recognize that to some degree you have control, but that you only control it to some degree.

Carolyn, reading between the lines in your SharePosts, I get the sense that you are able to forgive yourself and not beat on yourself.  This isn't something you wanted, nor is it something any of us signed up for when we were born.

So, the answer is, you treat yourself with love, respect, and kindness while you are going through whatever it is you go through, knowing that every day, you're doing the best you can to deal with the schizophrenia.

Because I doubt you willingly cause your voices to happen.

Yet I hope I don't appear to be downplaying what goes on.

Each of us deals with the schizophrenia in her own way.

One last thing I can tell you: I often feel like chucking it, too, and staying in that safe place.  Because it is a safe place.  Yet it's not always healthy.

Keep writing in here and posting at the Connection, because I believe in time, it will get better for you.  Reach out for support when the time comes that you decide you want to approach things differently.

Best wishes,

cb