My Son committed suicide last week
This is not a question - just a tragedy. I posted a question back in October 2008. I knew that my son was suffering from Schizophrenia at this point but I lived in a different state from him. I received answers from this site but no one really read what I wrote. You see I tried to be my son's friend, I never told him I thought he was schizophrenic - I told him I thought he was depressed. A few years ago he had gone for treatment for depression, and I had done so myself, so I did not think it was so horrible to say that to him. I took the NAMI course. I've followed the advice of waiting for him to trust me again. He would not talk to me on the phone since I had visited him which was in September. I would text or leave messages several times a week just to say I love you, or tell him something that I was doing. His father and step-mother knew he was ill but did not confront him but they knew of the hallucinations and delusions he was having. In the state that my son lived in it would take 2 people to say that they heard this to have him committed. I didn't have the 2nd person. I wish I would have lied and said he was suicidal. His dad and I did ask him in September if he thought about that and he said he would never do it - it was too easy a way out. Yet now I find out he told a friend - the only friend he had - that he wanted to commit suicide several times. The day before he killed himself he told her but she told no one thinking he was just saying it again. I know that my son is at peace now, I know all the things I am supposed to be doing but I don't know how to go on myself. I feel I failed my child. If there is anything I learned it is that if you feel something in your heart that you need to do - just do it. I wish I would have just gone back to see him and hugged him and stayed with him until I could get him help. There is not a perfect way to handle someone with schizophrenia that is in denial - no one has that answer.
Dear Cheri,
I am sorry about your son.
I'm sure no words could express this adequately.
You are grieving and you feel you could've reached out to him more.
It is a loss no mother should ever have to bear.
I would try to let know you that you couldn't have predicted what would happen, no one could. As hard as it is to go on, you will go on.
The rules for committing a person to a psych hospital are in much need of changing when the actually "rule" is that it's hard to commit person who could need help.
This gives me the idea that working to change those rules is a priority for mental health advocacy.
I am sorry about your son and offer you my prayers.
Respectfully,
Christina
- Thank you for your input
- Ranked Helpful (4)
- Report Abuse
{{{{{{Cheri}}}}}}
My heart breaks for you. I can't begin to imagine how it feels to lose a child to suicide. When someone close to me took her own life, it gave me such a horrible helpless feeling.
My mother has schizophrenia, and I've gotten her admitted to hospitals several times because she told me she wanted to take her life. Once she's there, she always convinces the doctors that I misunderstood her and that she's fine. I often feel somewhat like your son's friend and wonder if she's "just saying it again."
I guess what I'm trying to say to you is that you did all you could possibly have done. As you said, there is "not a perfect way to handle someone with scizophrenia who is in denial." You have to know that he did know you loved and cared about him.
Your son is, as you said, at peace now. He's well now. I'd bet HE doesn't think you failed him. Cheri, you didn't fail your child. You did all anyone could have done. When someone is as ill as he was and really wants to take their own life, there's really nothing anyone can do to stop them. That's what my mother's doctors have told me.
Please, Cheri, realize that your son doesn't blame you or feel you failed him. Yes, that sounds corny, but I firmly believe it.
If you need some counseling or therapy to work your way through this, I hope you'll do it. Your life has value, and you should live it to it's fullest.
I wish you well working through this.
Teri
- Thank you for your input
- Ranked Helpful (4)
- Report Abuse
Hi Cheri
I am sitting here trying to think of any words to say. No words can take away the tremendous pain you must feel right now. To lose a child is a pain like no other.
Listen to me though...you are a good mother. You loved your son. You tried to do everything possible. I know you are probably going back in time trying desperately to find what could have gone better. But you didn't know. This was not your fault. You are not to blame. Please let go of that if you can.
You are going to need help with this. Please do seek out a therapist to help guide you. This is not going to be easy. Your words have moved me to tears. My mother has schizophrenia...and my youngest has autism. I worry about them constantly. But the thing is...nobody has a crystal ball. And as much as we want to be always there to protect our loved ones...we just can't all of the time.
I am so very sorry this has happened. I know my words offer little solace but know that you are in my thoughts today. I am very sorry for your loss.
- Thank you for your input
- Ranked Helpful (5)
- Report Abuse
Hi Cheri
My condolences to you. I know how sad and difficult it is to loose a child and no amount of consoling can take away the hollow deep feeling of loss. I hope God gives you the strength to pass through this difficult time. Just remember that he has rested from the torment of all the harsh things schizophrenic people suffer from in silence. Because of the intensity of the illness, they never know how to talk about it and we cant relate to their suffering.
My mom is 80 and has lived with schizophrenia for 40 years. I never understood what she was going through until last month when her doctor let me in during consultation to a advice me on how to administer her medication. When she started explaining what she was going through, I had a major reality check. Despite taking her medication daily, she still heard voices, hallucinations and all sorts of scary things. She could not tell anyone about these scary stuff not even me.
So Cheri dont blame yourself for not doing this or that. I know its natural to do so but you could never have known what he was dealing with on a daily basis and maybe he just thought it best to beat the voices and scary stuff by taking his life. Its sad but he is at peace now. Just remember the good times you had with him.
God bless.
- Thank you for your input
- Ranked Helpful (4)
- Report Abuse
I'm trully sorry for your tradegy. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers, as I worry about my own 16 and half year old son. He's been diagnosed with a major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. He's very bright, with an I.Q. of 137. He was an athletic child that loved the Lord a few years ago. But currently, smokes cigarettes and claims smoking pot takes away the hallucinations and voices. He no longer believes in God. He doesn't want to take Zyprexa or any other medication because he's afraid it will put on weight. He is also anorexic and was hospitalized twice. He wants medical marajuana, but I feel that he is just being manipulative.
- Thank you for your input
- Ranked Helpful (2)
- Report Abuse
lisa dunlavey
Tuesday, June 02, 2009 at 07:15 PM
Thank you for your comment. I will pray for your son. I miss my son too. We went to a psychiatrist appt. today and he is willing to try some medication other than marajauna. He's so smart and talented. I wish there was a treatment for schizophrenia. When did you first learn your son had it and/or when were his 1st symptoms?
Thinking of you and feel for you.
lisa dunlavey
Tuesday, June 02, 2009 at 07:15 PM
Thank you for your comment. I will pray for your son. I miss my son too. We went to a psychiatrist appt. today and he is willing to try some medication other than marajauna. He's so smart and talented. I wish there was a treatment for schizophrenia. When did you first learn your son had it and/or when were his 1st symptoms?
Thinking of you and feel for you.
carrie
Wednesday, June 03, 2009 at 05:49 AM
Hi, well that's an improvement that he has agreed to take some medication, I hope he does. My son has been unwell for about 4 yrs now. There were signs that he wasn't thinking straight as he used to come out with weird comments but like your son he was smoking cannabis and we thought it was due to the effects of the drugs. Then he took a full blown psychotic episode, having really strange thoughts, saying some horrible stuff and also became violent. It was then that we got psychological services involved. They were unwilling at first to give any diagnosis due to the drug and alcohol abuse and maybe also because he was only 17yr old. They told us it was teenage behaviour and he ws trying to find his way in the world and we were over reacting. So we went with their decision but he got worse, his drinking and drug taking increased, he became very withdrawn and scared of everything, he was so paranoid. Went back to psychiatric services but this time we saw a different psychiatrist and he has a great C.P.N. but he still continues to drink and take drugs, the whole thing is such a worry. I am thinking about you, keep your chin up
Annette
Thursday, July 23, 2009 at 01:32 AM
Hi. My 26 year old son has schizophrenia and is also on a downward spiral. He self medicates through drinking so much so that he has fallen on his face several times and broken his nose. Breaking my heart is not even close to describe how I'm feeling. He was diagnosed during his last few years at UCLA. He was always a scholar, a spiritual person, a friend to many, and the perfect son. I miss him so, so, so much. I'm at my wits end. I think he may try to kill himself or accidently kill himself. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to talk to him when he calls over 10 times a day telling me he is scared, lonely, and without hope? I pray someone can help me. Please . . .
Christina Bruni
Thursday, July 23, 2009 at 07:44 PM
Hello annette,
[And everyone else, hello, too.]
Someone I loved more than life itself abused cocaine for many, many years. He didn't have a mental illness, so wasn't self-medicating.
However, I feel for everyone of you and understand that the word heartache is an understatement possibly.
Your son feels there is no hope. This could be something he feels when he crashes from the drug. The main thing is that he should take his medication even if he's still doing the alcohol or drugs.
Perhaps you could suggest that he would feel better if he spoke to a therapist [this would be a professional who treats MICA clients - mental illness chemical abuse patients.] He might also benefit from a support group or 12-Step type meeting.
The technique of "motivational interviewing" is often used with clients who have a history of substance abuse. You gently probe to see what their goals in life are and suggest that refraining from drugs or alcohol will enable them to achieve those goals.
To this day [15 years later] my friend still struggles with the lingering effects of his prior drug use. It is not unheard of that a person relapses a couple times before committing to staying clean or sober. We would all like our loved ones to quit and never go back the first time they try to quit, of course.
You may want to reinforce that he is not alone in what he feels and that he can get help. Reassure him that the pain he feels can be alleviated if he talks to someone and considers getting help. I stumbled on a great web resource, www.suicide.org where the founder talks about how a person who is in great emotional pain might not consider suicide if they were able to see a way out of that pain.
Elsewhere I recommended respite care so parents can get out of the house and not be burnt out by being caregivers 24/7. Respite care is where someone with a diagnosis meets with your son or daughter so that you can get out of the house, say to go to a movie or to yoga. Also, some communities have ComPeer type services where another person mentors someone with a mental illness. My City's ComPeer services were advertised in a leaflet included in one of my utility bill mailings.
To explore these or other options, I always recommend NAMI-the National Alliance on Mental Illness-in the United States. Call their local hotline at (800) 950-NAMI (6264) to find the name and number of the local affiliate in your city or town that will know about respite care, support groups or possible mentoring situations.
Double Trouble in Recovery is the name of substance abuse support groups throughout the United States for people with a co-occurring mental illness. You may want to find out about them as well.
Again, I understand your pain because it is what I went through when someone I loved abused street drugs. The path to recovery may be extra hard for such a person, and I'm not going to say it will ever get easier, yet I would encourage and give positive reinforcement for any strides they make, however small.
Regards,
Christina
carrie
Monday, August 03, 2009 at 02:40 PM
Hi Annette, I know what you mean about missing your son even though he is still in your life. The illness changes them so much. What I do with my son is talk about positive things and try to get him to remember what good things he has in his life and encourage him to turn his negative thoughts into positive ones. I am not saying it's easy, it's very difficult as he continues to be negative, but it helps me to keep going and hang in there. I try hard not to take on board his fears, I think if I was too do that I would be no use to him at all. Have you ever heard of the Charlie Reid Centre, Elmbank street in Glasgow? They offer support to you in the form of individual counselling and also group sessions with other parents and carers. They will also offer support to your son and have activities like art therapy, creative writing therapy, discussion groups and recreational activities like outings, pool, etc
Hi my 21yr old son has schizophrenia, he is on Olanzapine but doesn't take it every night. He self medicates through drinking and taking drugs and it's breaking my heart. When he was first diagnosed and put on medication there was a great improvement in him, but over the past few months he has deteriorated greatly. I am so worried that he will take his life due to these symptoms. They change so much due to this illness. I miss my son. He lives at home with me but he is so different. My son can also be very manipulative. Good Luck