Is it Courtship or Dating?
Most relationships fall into one of two categories, says Richard Wessler, PhD, who runs a private practice at Cognitive Psychotherapy Services in New York City. Courtship relationships work toward long-term compatibility and marriage. Dating relationships are more about companionship and fun and are an end in and of themselves.
"It makes sense to work through issues in a courtship relationship," says Wessler, "But don't spend a lot of energy working through a dating relationship. Often times, it's too much energy to patch something up, that is, if you can patch it up at all."
The End of the Affair
Feeling like it's time to say goodbye? Avoiding these traps can make your breakup a little less painful.
Get Real: Although a trial separation may sound less painful then a breakup, time apart often isn't enough to clear up deep problems. "Separating almost never works," says Wessler, "Relationships don't get repaired by not seeing the other person. They just get more time."
When you do break up, resist the temptation to downshift into friendship "'Let's be friends' is a real killer," Wessler says, "because essentially, it's a demotion. Nobody likes to be demoted." You may think you can neutralize your romantic feelings, but you're really just creating more pain for both of you.
Instead, make the breakup quick, and don't weigh yourself down with guilt. "When you break up with someone, you're just acknowledging that he or she is not a good match for you," he says, "Don't dwell on hurting another person's feelings or worry if they're going to become angry."
The Blame Game: "People either are made for each other or they're not. If they're not, it's not anyone's fault," says Schur. Avoid blaming or attacking your ex, as that will just draw out the time it takes to move on. "Just say this person had some good qualities but you've grown past that," she adds.
Future Shock
Most importantly, when a relationship ends, give yourself time alone to sort out what happened. Although giving up the security of a relationship can be tough, don't let that keep you in a bad relationship. "People stay in bad relationships because they don't know what's in store for them when they get out," says Wessler. "It's very unlikely that someone in his or her twenties won't find another date until he or she is ninety."
