Dear Miss A,
I have been extremely close friends with an ex-girlfriend for some time. We have a very close bond, and I am starting to think that maybe what I have with her is holding me back from getting in a real relationship with somebody else. Up until this point, that hasn't really been a problem, as I enjoy sleeping around, but I am beginning to feel like our relationship is unhealthy to all parties involved. Do you have any advice? I know the situation is complicated, and I haven't given you all of the facts, or conveyed exactly what I want (mostly because I don't know), but do you have any initial thoughts or suggestions?
Mr. Bond...Mr. Very Close Bond
Dear Mr. Bond,
Thank you for your question. It sounds like you are compartmentalizing. You are having a physical relationship with a lot of women, but still relying on your ex-girlfriend for emotional support and friendship. Switching gears from being lovers to being friends is very difficult and not particularly advisable for many reasons.
First, there is probably still a lot of underlying sexual chemistry. I'm not sure if you and your Ex fool around occasionally, but doing so will prevent both of you from getting closure and moving on. Secondly, the person who was dumped will feel scorned, and unlike a real friend, this person won't be truly happy for you when you find someone new to date and might even try to sabotage things for you. And third, spending a great deal of time with an ex may give her a false sense of hope that you two will eventually get back together.
I really suggest that couples quit each other "cold turkey" and not see each other, even socially if they can help it for 6 months. You need to feel what life will be like for you without your ex-girlfriend in your life to see if you can handle it. You may come to realize that you really do miss her, and that maybe you still love her and want to have her in your life forever. You've gotten your cake and got to it, too. This is likely why you don't know what you want. You haven't had to make a choice. You're getting everything. I think you need to be a man and put some boundaries in place.
Also, I think it would be very difficult for a new woman to come into your life knowing you and your ex-girlfriend are like best friends. Many women would rather walk than enter into this intimidating, awkward, unhealthy situation with you. So you are doing yourself a disservice, and limiting your options with potential women.
- Miss A
Published On: October 25, 2008