Dear Miss A,
My boyfriend and I use to have a lot of fun together, but lately all we do is fight. I think he has a drinking problem. He gets so drunk that he falls all over the place and I have to carry him to bed and dress him for bed. I get really stressed when he is like this, but he gets mad if I say anything to him about it. He says a lot of mean things to me when he is drunk. He tells me he hates me and calls me names. Then he expects everything to be fine the next morning and for me to know that he didn't mean to say these things.
Lately, he has taken to insulting me when he is sober, too. He always want to walk out on me. I really do love him and he says that he loves me but I just don't know if I believe him anymore. I am always depressed and can't tell him how I feel because he gets mad if I tell him he is the one upsetting me. He starts getting really mean and tells me that I have flaws too, and he has to put up with mine so I should put up with his. He refuses to stop drinking too. I really don't know how to feel anymore. I am so stressed out lately that I am having a lot of chest pain. I am also having a lot of migraines too. Sometimes I get so depressed I just don't want to continue on with my life. I have always had problems with relationships, and I just think I just wasn't meant to be happy.
Not Meant To Be Happy
Dear Not Meant To Be Happy,
You were meant to be happy! We all are. We all come into this life as innocents, but unfortunately the world is full of evil, sin and pain, so it's not what it was intended to be for us. I think you are right about your boyfriend having a drinking problem. It's hard to have a real relationship with someone when an addiction takes priority. You need to stop and think about what you are getting out of this relationship. If a guy behaves horribly to you, but still tells you he loves you, what are you going to believe from the mixed messages. I know you want to believe what you hear-- it's easier, because it doesn't call for change. Change scares a lot of people. It's an unknown. I suggest you use your eyes, and take a look at how he's treating you. Love is a verb, and he's not treating you in a loving way. I'm guessing your father sent you mixed messages, too, so you're used to this type of "love". You need to stop and think about whether you want your future children to grow up with this type of "love" from a parent. You need to break the cycle.
I think that you should move out, and get away from this guy. He's going to have to decide if he wants to change his life on his own, but you can determine if you want better for yourself, and I think deep down you do. I also think that deep down you know this isn't right. So far he has been verbally and emotionally abusive toward you, but it won't stop there. It will keep escalating until he gets physically abusive. You need to get out of this situation before it gets worse, and it will get worse. He may love you, and this may be the only way he knows how to show his love, but that's not good enough. You deserve better, Honey, and so do your future children.
I suggest you get some counseling, try Al-Anon, and join a church. There is a great book called The Shack that would be great for you to read, and give you some peace and strength. I also suggest you read the book Men Who Hate Women & The Women Who Love Them by Susan Forward, PhD. It's a classic and I think you'll see a lot of your boyfriend in the book. But definitely get involved with Al-Anon, and find a counselor. Change may be scary, but lean on the good people in your life to help you through this. Don't rebound, because that will take you from the frying pan and into the fire. Take some time out for yourself.
Good luck and stay in touch!
- Miss A
Published On: December 07, 2008