Healthy Relationships Part I:: Four General Principles to Live By

What makes for a healthy relationship? Have you ever thought about it?  Perhaps you've heard some general answers such as, "Good Communication," or "Maturity," or "Trust." They're great words, but what do they actually look like day-to-day in a relationship? 

In this series, I'd like to offer some very specific and practical ideas to build healthy relationships.  In Part One, I will discuss four general principles that can enhance or destroy a relationship. For this post I'll be referring to any relationship (romantic, friend, parent-child) but in my next posts I'll focus specifically on building healthy romantic relationships and avoiding abusive ones.

Principle 1: You Cannot Change Anyone

Some people become therapists because they think they can change people. I must confess, as a young college student I thought that therapy was about "fixing" people's problems. I quickly learned however, that a therapist does not fix people, a therapist can only provide guidance, support, and tools for a person who has inner motivation to change.

It is the same with all other relationships:  you can not change your girlfriend, your husband, your best friend, or even your child (although have an extremely heavy influence on your children). All motivation for change comes from within each person.  It does not matter how loving, smart, beautiful, or rich you are, you cannot change another person.

I'm sure most of you have known people like Tom,* who was in a relationship with a woman named Allison, who became addicted to Vicodin before they were married.  "She had a troubled past," says Tom, "I thought if I gave her a stable home and relationship she would be able to give up the drugs."

If you need a less extreme example, listen to what Mary has to say: "I married Jim, knowing that he didn't believe in God.  I thought he would start going to church with me and that we'd go to church together with our children.  It never happened."

In both cases, Tom and Mary knew what their spouses were like before they married them, yet they chose to marry them anyway, believing they would change.  This is not to say that people don't change, it's just that they don't change just because we want them to or by merely being in relationship with us.

The same applies to all other relationships. "My friend Judy always lies to me," confessed Diane, "it hurts!"  Judy lies about lots of things and it has nothing to do with Diane or anyone else in her life, it's a problem that Judy has. "You know Judy lies," I told Diane, "She always has and she always will. You can tell her it bothers you, but you can't change it Can you live with it?"  (I have not got an answer from Diane yet).

So, what should you do if someone in your life has a serious issue that affects you?  If you are seriously dating someone, ask yourself, "Can I live with this forever if it doesn't change?" Give up the idea that you can change the issue..  The only person you have control over is yourself!