his blog is an open letter to all of you space invaders out there. You know who you are … or do you?
No, I’m not talking to those of you with an affinity for handling joysticks and playing early 80’s video games with poor graphics and creatures making funny “gobbling” noises as they ate things. This open letter has nothing to do with video games. I’m also not talking rodents or anything else that invades your living space. I’m not even talking about clutter on your desk that gets in your way.
The space invaders I’m talking about here are ex boyfriends and ex girlfriends (we’ll just collectively call them “ex’s” here). This open letter is directed to all of you ex’s out there who are space invaders tormenting your ex’s.
Now I know all you space invading ex’s know who you are, and this open letter is directed to you. So listen up and pay attention!
It’s amazing. Ex’s always seem to find their way back into your life to dump all of their own issues all over you at the very moment when you’re most happy with someone else. It’s like they have some kind of special radar which alerts them that it is the perfect time to try to get you back at the very moment you are in this most happy place.
They will have an epiphany wherein they decide they are a new person and that they need to convince you to give your relationship with the “new them” a second chance. In their mind they will think “Wait! My ex is with someone else. How could they possibly be with someone else? I realize now that if we get back together, everything will be different because I’ve changed. They need to give our relationship another try with the new me!”
This whole train of thought misses a critical point: your ex is your ex for a reason. They’re an ex because you already learned the lesson that they did not satisfy you in ways you needed to be satisfied. They are an ex because your heart was not touched by them in ways your heart needed to be touched. Your ex is an ex because they weren’t able to get into your soul and get deep into your core like you needed.
Regardless, there seems to be no shortage of ex’s who are space invaders. So to all of you space invading ex’s out there, here are seven reasons for you to stop invading your ex’s space immediately:
1. Recognize What Your “Epiphany-Come-Lately” Really Means: It is no coincidence that so many ex’s experience the sudden revelation that they need to convince their ex to give their relationship another try ONLY after that ex has found someone else with whom they are genuinely happy. You need to see this “epiphany-come-lately” for what it really is: your knee-jerk reaction to the fact that your ex is with someone else.
It is an only slightly more complicated version of the “you only want them now that you can’t have them” syndrome. While you may believe that you all of a sudden see things differently, it is really a function of feeling like you are about to lose your ex unless you say something right now.
2. You Are Not Entitled To A “Review” Of Your Relationship: Here’s another thing all you space invading ex’s need to remember. You are not an NFL coach. You are not given a relationship red flag that entitles you to demand that your ex review your relationship and give you a chance to “replay the down.”
So, just because you decide that you and your ex need to revisit the wisdom of your breakup does not mean that your ex has to agree to participate. If your ex does not want to do it, you cannot (and should not try to) force them.
3. The Real Reason Your Relationship Ended Hasn’t Changed: Just because you believe you have changed, and you indeed may have changed, that does not alter the real reason your relationship ended in the first place. Further, just because you believe you are a different person or that “things” are different than when you and your ex were together, that does not mean that the two of you are more compatible now than you were at the time your relationship ended. It is really irrelevant that you have made some miraculous change or turn-around in your own mind, because what ultimately made your relationship not work out with your ex was about something much deeper than that.
What made your relationship not work out the first time was that the two of you at your cores were different people, people whose hearts and souls did not have an ultimate connection. So while you very truly may have made some changes, deep down you are the same person (and so is your ex). You were two people who did not share that ultimate peaceful feeling you have with someone with whom you share a true soul connection.
4. Life Is Not Like A Movie: - So many space invading ex’s seem to operate under the delusion that they are starring in their own romantic comedy movie. You know the basic plot line: Boy had girl. Boy loses girl (becoming the “ex”). Ex doesn’t think twice about girl he lost until girl finds someone else. Ex has “the epiphany” moment that he loves girl and needs to get her back (thus becoming the “space invading ex”). Space invading ex discovers that girl’s new boy is not the good guy that girl believes him to be, and that space invading ex is the right man for her. Space invading ex sets up elaborate plan to crash girl’s wedding/relationship and declare his true love to girl. Space invading ex gets girl back in dramatic and romantic wedding-crashing scene. All across movie theaters everywhere, sentimental choruses of “Aw!” can be heard as tear-soaked women frantically search for tissues in their purse. It all seems so romantic!
This is great entertainment and is very fun to watch in your local movie theater … but is not a good model to follow in real life. Think about what this typical movie plot line involves, and what you have to assume to make it the great romantic story that is shown. First, notice that each and every one of these films rests on the major premise that the space invading ex is the right man for the girl and that the girl’s current guy is (unbeknownst to the girl) not such a great guy. As we’ve discussed, and as all of you space invading ex’s know to be the case with your ex, that is not what is going on in your situation. Your ex is in a relationship with someone who is making them truly happy. You are not Patrick Dempsey or Hugh Grant (or Julia Roberts for you female space invading ex’s), so you need to stop trying to play the lead in this kind of movie plot with your ex!
Another flaw in these movie plots is that they paint the space invading ex as the “hero” doing his ex a favor by exposing the rotten current boyfriend and having the girl find true happiness when the space invading ex declares his undying love to her. Think about what you are really doing, though, by being the space invading ex. When you are invading your ex’s space in a relationship where your ex is genuinely happy, your invasion into that space is not romantic - it is selfish. Really, that’s what it is in its true sense. Think about it. When you invade your ex’s space, you are bringing stress not only to your ex but to their relationship. Stated simply, you are bringing unhappiness into your ex’s happy space. The only person who is served by this space invasion is YOU.
5. Think How You Would Feel: Another person you need to consider if you are a space invading ex is your ex’s current significant other. You need to put yourself in that person’s shoes. Consider how you would feel if you were in a relationship with someone and that person’s ex continued to invade your relationship space. How do you think it feels to know that your significant other has been on the phone throughout the day with their ex. Let me tell you how it feels. When someone is invading your relationship space, it makes you feel disconnected with your significant other. You can feel it happening.
Then when you get emails from your significant other telling you how emotionally drained they feel because their ex keeps calling, it causes you to feel emotionally drained yourself. You become emotionally drained because you start wondering what your significant other’s ex said, and what your significant other thinks and feels about what the ex said.
After connecting with your significant other at an emotional and spiritual level deeper than you have with anyone else, to be in the dark about what was said by an ex is a terrible feeling. You want to be there for them and to help them through this, but you also don’t want to be in the dark yourself. This space invasion likewise causes your ex’s energy to be directed totally away from their currently happy relationship.
6. You Can’t Create A Friendship If There Wasn’t Already One: Many space invading ex’s will invade an ex’s happy relationship space under the guise of “wanting to become friends.” This is another very selfish act dressed up as an altruistic one. You can’t be friends with all of your ex’s. It all comes down to whether you and your ex were friends in the first place. If you were, then you would not be invading their relationship space in this way. You would already be a part of their life.
Your attempt to create this sudden friendship with your ex when it wasn’t there before is again nothing more than a selfish act, because a true friend would not want to cause their friend all this stress and pain. A true friend would see that their ex had moved on and has given their heart to someone else, and would not want to do something to directly disrupt that.
7. You Need To Switch Your Focus: Finally, a bit of advice to all you space invading ex’s. Did it ever occur to you that the reason why you all of a sudden feel the urgent need to get your ex back is that you see them feeling the kind of peace, connection and happiness with someone that you wish you had in your own life? You should therefore see this revelation as an opportunity to work on yourself and find for yourself what your ex has found.
Instead of invading your ex’s happy relationship space and causing damage to the happiness they are feeling, why not instead take your ex’s happiness as the inspiration for you to go out there and find the same kind of happiness for yourself. This is the perfect time to work on yourself so you can find the same kind of true soul connection that your ex has found.
So, to all of you space invading ex’s, I hope this open letter has opened your eyes to what kind of impact your space invading is really having on your ex and their relationship. If you are someone who still has feelings for an ex who has moved on and found a truly happy relationship with someone else, then it’s time you let them move on and be happy.
It’s time that the only space invading you do from here on out is with a joystick and on a vintage arcade game. Stop pining over an ex who is not the right person for you … and stop torturing that ex you claim to love so much!
Start working on yourself so you can cultivate a wonderful relationship for you with someone with whom you share a true and deep heart and soul connection. Maybe once you find them, the four of you can meet up at an arcade for a friendly game of Space Invaders…
Published On: November 30, 2008