So i have been living with Herpes and yes it has been hard. I thought it was the end of the world but i know its not, except when my bf called me yesterday. We have been dating for about four months now and I told him from the begining what I have. He was the most amazing person about it. he told me it would not changed how he felt about me that he would be by my side. I could not believe it. Since then I have fallin really hard for this person but turns out that they have major trust issues and has been going back and forth with pushing me away and then acting like everything is ok. Some girlfriend down the line i guess just tore him apart so he has not let someone get this close to him in a very long time, so it scares him and the only thing he knows how to do is push them away. Well that has been something hard for me to understand but we have manage to continue working it out. Two nights ago he finally told me that I am special to him and he appreciates everything i do for him. i was so happy to know he was finally opening up to me and not hiding how i have know he has always felt about me. Everything has been so great. We are as safe as we can be to ensure he does not get Herpes from me, or at least I thought. Last night i got a phone call from him, which made me happy cause i thought it was his goodnight call. He tells me that he has been a little itchy down there and that he got something from me. My heart dropped. I just freaked out and told him no, we are always way to safe, no. He yelled at me saying yes i looked online and that he could not talk about it now he was watching a movie with someone else. I seriously thought the day i found out i got Herpes was the end of my life, boy was i wrong this has been much worse. I cant sleep eat or anything. Im so scared that because of me someone i truely care about has this. Im scared that they will never speak to me again, blame me, hate me and think i ruined his life. I have not stopped crying and i really dont think i can handle knowing this. He finally started to let his true feelings show to me, he finally stoppped pushing me away because he was affraid to really let him self like me and now this. I feel like he is just going to cut me off and that there is no chance we can work it out. Now yes we are not possitive yet, he still needs to get tested but its the fact knowing its because of me that kills me. I just dont know where we went wrong. I have talked to my doctor to make sure i am as safe as possible, Im on valtrex, we know how to interact with each other and be safe. I think the worst part is after 4 months of dating him and after two years of not having sex, we did share that onyl twice and now it turns out that the result is me infecting him. I just dont know what to say to him, sorry cant be enugh. I still want to be with him but i just know that in his head im gone. and of course this happens just when my life seemed to be coming together. Im definitly back to being depressed. Back to thinking nothing can go right and this is the end of the world. I know he is freaking out and scared and probally feels lonely and about know some regret of letting me in is starting to form. I think that having any kind of relationship will always be to much for me, I dont want to hurt anyone especially someone i care for. I hear all these stories of people who are ahppily together and have not passed it, i wanted to be that but i dont think im ever going to give myself that chances again. I should have just stayed away when he pushed me away, maybe this would have never happened.