How to treat "Madonna/Whore complex?"

The best advice for people who are going through this is TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP.  RUN!!! 

It may be blunt, hard to swallow, etc., but in the long term health of yourself, it is by far the best advice you can take. 

The partner with the problem is the one who has to deal with it, and as painful as it may be to you to abadon him, it is the only solution you have to resume a normal life.  You need to rebuild your self esteem, self respect and awareness of your own sexuality and sexual appeal.  The partner is doing lasting and intense psychological damage to your psyche. 

There is no amount of time, reassurance, patience, etc., that can cure them.  They have to go to therapy and deal with it themselves.  And the older they are, the more likely it is that it will take years and years of therapy. 

Sad but true.  I am not proud to tell anyone to abandon their mate, but this is a serious problem that affects you more than you know.

Good luck, and remember, in situations like this, you have to look out for yourself!

"Get out" is probably the best advice in this thread.

It's probably not as simple as being only about the dichotomy of the virgin/whore.

Factoring into the equation are small things; the lustful participation in sexuality that is enjoyed early in a relationship usually becomes a one-way street, later.

The vagina-as-currency tends to dull the gloss of sexual desire.

Feigned interest and dutiful submission don't help, either.

Being desired isn't a one-gender need; men need to be desired, too.

Hoping for sexual attention and remaining stoic in its absence probably won't get the job done, either.

Doesn't the issue, at least in part, degenerate into our assigned gender roles?  The male is ordained to be the aggressor and the female the object of his (our) desire.  We follow the script during courtship but (some of us, at least) run out of steam when the prize is won.  It's not about conquest, it's about something a little more primal: planting our seed.

Without question, I suffer from the complex (oh yeah, the women in my life have suffered it, as well).  Is it possible, however, that each of us is trying to use logic and reason to explain a phenomenon that defies logic and reason?  Are we more primal than we're willing to admit?  Are we attempting to take our primal nature and make it fit into societal institutions?  Maybe we've taken a psychological label and have mistakenly applied it to an organic condition.

Remember those birds that mate for life?  What they DIDN'T tell you is that they only remain TOGETHER for life; they still screw around.

I could sob my heart out ( again, like I do most nights) because you are describing exactly the same situation that my husband and I are going through. Like you we have a wonderful relationship in every other way, he's my best friend but we haven't had a sexual relationship for years. The only time it was ever good was when we were trying to have children and since then nothing. He says he is happy in every other way but it is killing me not having a husband that will touch me. He just can't bring himself to as I'm his wife and it just feels wrong.....We haven't tried conselling and to be honest I don't think I want to go through that, it is painful enough already without having to discuss it with someone face to face and to hear the complex put into words. If he doesn't want to make love to me then I can't see how a counseller can change that. Like your wife I don't want to leave as we are very close but equally the thought of having a life without a sexual relationship, never to experience passion .....I don't know if I can endure that for much longer either. I'm hoping that something may have happened with you and your wife since your post that would magically have made a difference. Please let me know if anything has changed. It is no fun at all being a Madonna. I feel totally alone, totally.

I just wanted to post a reply to those who are going through the same thing. My husband and I had a very uncomfortable talk and it was the best thing that we ever did. He could see that I was really very unhappy rather than just putting up with it. Last night we decided that we would make "sex" more of a routine thing, that way there was less pressure to perform. Also rather than worrying what I might like he tried to do what he wanted and that way we both ended up of course with what we both wanted. It didn't work completely but I am sooooo happy! The intimacy returned and the fact that he is even trying means the world to me. It was never about missing sex, it was about missing that intimacy with someone that I love so much. So if the man that first wrote the post above reads this PLEASE TRY. Just touch your wife, start slowly and don't try to fix everything over one night. If my husband can do it then so can you.....I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you both. After being in a sexless marriage for years we are on the way to being in a "normal" relationship.

I am interested by this very much! There is not a lot of information on this complex. I had a relationship with a guy and even though we were in love we broke up because of the timing in our lives. Anyways he is now with another woman and tells me that he cannot have hot sex with her as he has the whole madonna and the whore complex. 

The thing that confuses me is that he was able to have hot sex with me. does this mean he never loved me? or is it not about love but more about commitment?

I asked him how come he could have hot sex with me and not with her and he said because I dont make his meals for him.

Does this mean that it becomes hard for him to have hot sex etc once they are in the type of committed rship where she looks after him, cleans for him and becomes the madonna? but say she didnt live with him, didnt cook for him etc but he was in love with her would he still be able to have hot sex with her? or is it as soon as u fall in love that this becomes too hard? or is it once your committed or sumfin?

So did he go back to her? does he still love you?

I am the whore too I think, at least he tells me now he has this complex which makes a lot of sense to me now looking back. He also tells me he would be able to have hot sex with me and watch me with guys etc like your guy did to you. He tells me he still has feelings for me. but yet he cant have sex with the woman he is with, so now i wonder, did he never love me seems we did have sex? or is it more about that they cant have sex once your in a committed relationship which we werent.

Yes he's still back with her. Little to no sex, because he continues to hold back from intimate connections with her. (And also they haven't lived together for the past 3.5 years and still only catch up for dinner once or twice a week!) I continued to see him for a while just for sex to help in his transition and to gain more insight into the situation. His wife has both my mobile numbers and never called to ask me if I'd seen him like she has at other times so I figured I wasn't doing any harm. I've stopped seeing him now as I am falling in love with someone else (Someone normal who can accept women for who they are and me for all my dualality)

I believe he loved and still loves me very much. But there's no way he could sustain a committed ongoing, live in relationship with me, whilst still having the amazing sex that glued our relationship together.

I believe he trully loves his wife and used to have amazing sex with her before they married.. If they stay together their love will continue to lack intimate passion and who knows how she'll handle that again (Last time she had an affair)

It's a difficult situation and one I'm glad to see the back of.

For anyone weighing up the pros and cons of staying with these mixed up men can I just say this- My happiness is beyond words being loved by a man who can accept me as both his precious, cherished good little girl and his dirty, wild slutty whore. I am both. And now there is no more pretending.

Katie

I need some help with this issue. I am in a relationship with a man I believe has this complex. When we first started dating the sex was great, he couldn't get enough. As soon as we moved in together, something happened to our sex life. He no longer seemed interested in having sex, his libido had dropped drastically. Then I found out that he was watching porn, sometimes even when I was asleep in the other room. It hurt me so bad to know that he couldn't just wake me up and have sex with me. A year later, the same issue continues. We have sex sometimes, a couple of times a month. But most of the time he loses his erection midway through, leaving me feel ugly, unsatisfying. He always tells me how beautiful I am and how sexy he thinks I am, but it seems like the only way he can get off is by those women in the pornos. When I confronted him he said he worshiped me, that I am the best woman he has ever known, that I'm an angel. Does that mean he only sees me as this? That he doesn't really want to do those things with me because I am so perfect in his eyes? I don't want to have one label, I want to be his angel and his sex kitten but it seems like he can't combine the two. What should I do? I am too young to give up my sex life even if I do love him.

I understand what you are saying, I feel the same way.  Can you talk to him about this complex?  Would he be willing to read about it to see if he thinks it fits?  My husband has told me he wants me to be both so I think it can be possible.  I'm working on feeling sexy after all these years of truly thinking it was me and hoping that will help.  I still hold out hope for counseling, so far it has helped. We are able to talk about sex without him changing the subject which has never happened in our relationship.  I hope you find something that works, I have to have faith that there is something that will work.