How can I seek help for my relationship? He has a "complex" that is threatening my sexual health and mental health at this point. I just want to be open and honest with him and cannot any longer. HELP!
How can I seek help for my relationship? He has a "complex" that is threatening my sexual health and mental health at this point. I just want to be open and honest with him and cannot any longer. HELP!
As a 59 year old male who suffers from this terrible "illness"...I can tell you that the EASY answer is to get out of the relationship.... Would this be the same answer if the wife were the ill person?.....My wife and I have a loving relationship...but it exists without sex. It does so because of me. This has troubled me for my entire life...when I was young and pursued women, my sexual appetite was fine....once married, the ability to have sex with my wife ended...almost magically, the day before marriage, I loved it and the day after....the desire was gone....My parents were alcohol abusers and my father physically abusive...My mother angry and dependent.....I am now who I am...relatively "normal" in all other respects......the most curious thing about this is it is just now at this stage of my life that I am willing to even admit this to myself and the world.....Intense therapy...drugs...who knows what the answer is.....it is painful for my wife who I have yet to even discuss with her...it's like a silent reality we both endure because in all other facets of our relationship we are close.....My advice for those of you in such marriages is to get counseling...who knows maybe I will before it's too late.....
Dear Fitzsime, I want answers too!!
I'm in a madonna/whore relationship but I'm the whore!
He says he loves me but from everything I've read, I now know he will never marry me.
He has been seperated from his wife for 3 years. (She left him to explore with someone else, can't blame her if he was starving her of sex) despite this he cannot leave or abondon her. I met him nearly 2 years ago and he insisted I move in with him just recently. He wont let me cook. If I start cleaning he says "sweetheart I'll do that"
All he wants to do is **** me. And force me to have sex with other men while he watch. He loves to call me slut and whore and at first I didnt mind a bit of role playing but not now. I realise he didn't used to let his wife even give him a blow job.
On saturday he sat me down and said he loved me and loved living with me but feels guilty about not trying harder to make it work with her. (They had LOTS of counselling in 2006 but didnt get far). He asked me to move out.
So I'm looking for a place to live and looking for answers. So far no solutions. No case where some one had this complex and got over it.
I'm happy to get out now. It's just hard because he is so normal in every other regard.
I thought only italian men were like that.My brother is like that he will put a woman on a pedistal due to his belief that she was"pure",and the moment the woman did not live up to that"standard" -she was a whore.He picked that belief up from our parents.It is unfair and you deserve to be treated as a individual,not as a "icon".Tell him how you feel,the madonna/whore complex may mean something totally different today-if it affects your mental health,please leave because that is abuse too.
I'd really like to know about this too.I'll be 20 in April and I'm friends with this guy I almost dated and have known since August.We never did date,but we've danced around each other,because we both wanted to be together but knew it wouldn't be good for either of us.He's 22 and very good-looking.He would be a fabulous catch if he weren't a big tangled ball of dysfunction.He was in one relationship for five years,and was going to marry the girl,but cheated on her once and they broke it off.She was""a nice Christian girl""and they'd never had sex(so he tells me),and he still would get back together with her if she'd have him;he feels terrible about himself as a result of this.A few months after the wedding was called off,he got into the dating scene and met me.I've never had a boyfriend,but not out of lack of trying,just out of lack of opportunity.He thinks my lack of experience and the fact that I've said I'm not ready for sex for a while means I'm so much more morally pure than everyone else,especially himself--he sees himself as this morally corrupt loser,and once told me he thinks he'd corrupt me or something.I think he might actually have real feelings for me,or at least did,but within a week after I told him it wouldn't work,he'd already had a one-night stand with one girl and had started dating another.He broke up with that girl,because he knew the realtionship was based on sex and he was miserable in it,but the girls he's hooked up with,he speaks about very disparagingly.I told him not to talk about his exploits and he told me""these girls wouldn't be bothered by it""--he sees them as slutty.Apart from the way he treats women,and depsite what he thinks about himself,he's basically a good person trying to prove to himself he's not,and he's smart enough that I think he can fix himself,and he knows he's not behaving well and it reinforces his low self-image.From what I know of his childhood,he was raised by his grandparents and helped raise his younger cousins because his mother and aunts and uncles weren't very involved(I have no idea about his father,he's never mentioned anything to me about him).He had to be pretty responsible all of his childhood,and now that his plans for being a good husband didn't work out and he's re-examining his life,he's taking a hiatus from responsibility,to put it delicately,trying to learn all the stuff he didn't learn growing up because he was living for other people.I'm just worried that now that he's making a conscious effort not to be responsible,he's going to do some kind of damage to his life that he can't repair later on.
We're only friends now,and that's all I ever want to be with him,considering the way I've seen him act,but he is my friend and besides wanting to get myself
off this pedestal he's got me on--which I really resent--I don't want him going through life miserable because he does this.Short of fulfilling this whole weird scenario and mothering him--I'm 19 and can barely take care of myself,and I'm not interested in taking on""projects""or saving anyone,but this affects me as well as the fact that as his friend,I don't want him to sabotage his own happiness--is there any way I can help him ameliorate this?I've learned the hard way to keep myself a healthy distance from him,but I still don't like being his Madonna when I do interact with him.I hope it's early enough in his life that he can fix any damage to himself without having gotten himself into too much trouble first--so is there anything that can be done?
"I don't want to be your idol/see this pedestal is high and I'm afraid of heights."--Alannis Morrisette,"Not the Doctor".
Hmm.. what to do.. If your boyfriend is anything like me, he has some sort of trauma in his past that relates sex with anger. You can't fix him. Eventually he'll probably realize that he can't maintain a healthy physical relationship and just enjoy many deeply satisfying friendships with the opposite sex. The one thing you could try is constantly telling him bluntly that you REALLY REALLY want him to have sex with you. Unless you tell him, he likely feels like you're "letting him". That's how my longest relationship held together for a whole 9 months.. btw I'm mid 30's... Once I start to love someone, sex vanishes, then they vanish...
For goodness sake. Get in touch with your inner whore and have some fun with your husband! We as women need to get over judging ourselves and have fun in our bodies. We can be both! Your husband is your life long partner........mix it up.
If he is abusive, leave the relationship. If he is not, buy some trashy lingerie and live a little!
Thank you SO much for posting this article. On and off for a few years, I was involved with a man who I now realize had this complex. Except, I realize I was the "whore." We had incredible, intense sex, some of which was the hottest in my life -- but he was always emotionally unattached, and told me he couldn't give any more. Because of this, and his refusal to commit, I dated other guys, and would cool it with him while I was. To my surprise, he would occasionally get jealous. I now remember him saying something about how he "Never fell in love" with girls he had great sex with.
In the last few months we were involved, he kept talking about this girl who he met at work and how "pure" she was, and it obvious he was infatuated totally with her. Initially, he had told me he had sexual fantasies about her, but then told me they stopped, and he felt guilty for them, since she was such a "sweet girl", even thinking about that made him feel terrible.
At this point, I had enough, and I split, and I'm in a very happy, sexual AND loving relationship with this other wonderful man. I think he eventually did start dating her, because he'd e-mail me, essentially soliciting sex.
I feel for all the women here, and I'm so glad that, thanks to the positive, loving attention I received from other men, I never let his complex make me feel like I was undeserving of love.
I am in a similar situation and we went to see a sex therapist. She gave my husband a survey to complete and he hasn't done it. He says counseling is not the answer and then goes into all of the ways that I have irritated him through the years (none of which have anything to do with sex). He's basically blaming me for all of our problems. We haven't had sex for two years. He had a string of affairs 4 years ago and that prompted a lot of marriage counseling but he refused to discuss the sex issues. I thought things would improve but after 2 years of counseling, no changes in the bedroom. I think he is just avoiding the issue. Why does he stay? He looks at porn a couple of times a month so I know he has a sex drive. I just don't know why these guys stay. Now I have to move on for my sake as well as our young children. He says he loves me too and that I am his best friend, blah, blah, blah, but he is incapable of having an intimate relationship with me. I've tried the sexy lingerie, talking dirty, renting a porn movie, etc. but that doesn't seem to turn him on at all. I even went so far as writing out a checklist for him to circle to identify if he has any of these issues (i.e. he's no longer attracted to me, he feels differently after our baby was born, etc... and he still refuses to discuss it). I desparately want some answers but it appears that I won't get any. I wish you all the best of luck. It's time to move on.
To all the wives whose husbands suffer from this complex,
I feel your pain... I cried alone like an idiot in a coffee shop when I first read the posts in this page.
I am a man and no, I don't suffer from this complex. But the way your husbands behave sounds exactly like my girlfriend.
We have been together for years and almost got engaged. Everything was great in the beginning, but once we became kind of "stable", things just changed. We had sex like 3 times in the past YEAR. She told me she loves me for everything else but just couldn't do it. And I can't tell you how many times I've asked or tried, and failed. I've tried romantic stuff like flowers, wines, candles, really nice hotel rooms, and dirty stuff like porn, but none of those worked.
She does have sex drive too. She has stayed faithful but she told me she masturbates occasionally, and fantasizes about other men. I guess one good thing is we are both willing to discuss and try to solve problems.
Can women develop this complex too? Or is she suffering from something else? I can't find an answer on the net...
I had the opportunity to follow a case of the MWC into detail and as a consequence it appears to me that the cause in this particular case was a considerable libido mismatch. The female was just too much for the male to handle. Other factors like shyness/introversy/religous bias may have contributed but were not the root cause apparantly. So his solution was to reject his spouse eventually and remove himself from the matrimonial bed gradually, while dealing with his sexual issues in an alternate way. There is no doubt that he would have eagerly endorsed the freudian MWC explanation, had he known about it
Obviously this is an isolated case, but I wonder how many other cases -if not all- are just a libido mismatch. Obviously knowing the real cause is the key to the answer.
I have a suspicion that my recently (1 year) ex-boyfriend have this problem. But am not sure and think that maybe he just have a small libido witch got mixed with blame and unsatisfation from me. He wasn't unfaithful (offcause - as far as I know), the sex was great in the beginning and then slowed down, very fast after 2-3 years of being together (Ohh, I cant even remenber it more precise). Another 2-3 years went by with only little sex. We either had sex or not at all, no incidents were he had to stop doing the act, because of impotents. We had sex after 2-3 weeks of dating, after 1 failed try. It is not my impression that he had a lot of porn-activity. His previously relationships has been less serius and as far as I know he hasn't had the problem then. After we broke up he has had one sexualattempt but couldn't finish it. Oftherwise it is not my impression that he has a personlality there he likes to hook up with one woman efter the other, or that he is into very dirty sex.
He recently got an revelation to when it started (as he sees it), witch was only a year before we broke up, the driest period. It relates to an incident where he sees me as a child. Not in my way of behaving, but do to my frailty (as he puts it).
Can any of you determen it it really is the MWC, and it it possible to have it in a mild form? His case dosn't match all off the obove, and comes close enough to that I worry.
I too was in a sexless marriage for 22 years. I married him when I was only 23 years old and had no clue about this disorder. My earliest clues something was wrong was when I would always initiate sex with him and he would never respond to my advances...oh physically he seemed good to go, but could never follow through. I used to find porno magazines hidden in the closet, and I just figured I must be some ugly creature that repulsed my own husband, where he had to get off looking at the magazines. I remember crying all the time in our marriage and basically my self-esteem went out the window. I tried everything under the sun to get him interested in me. We did manage to have a child together (a miracle in itself), and basically that is why I stayed in the marriage.
My husband used to wait for me to leave the house so he could get on the computer and look at porno. I found out by checking out the history log on our computer. I recalled that early one morning I was in the mood and he refused me, well I got dressed and ran some errands when I came home later that day, checked the history on the computer and relized he was on there as soon as my car was leaving the driveway that same morning he refused me. Imagine the hurt and horror I felt? I confronted him and he told me I was crazy, and somehow blamed me for everything. On the other hand he would always tell me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am, etc. etc, his words never matched his actions.
I could go on and on about this horrid affliction, but I would advise any woman having to deal with this is get out of the relationship while you still have your self-esteem, because that will soon be stripped of you. There are plenty of healthy men out there, don't waste your time and energy on this.
I have since met a wonderful man and married him. There are no sexual issues between us and its nice to be "normal" for once. My self-esteem has slowly returned and I now realize that my ex-husband was the one with all the issues, it was never about me at all.
on a side note, my ex has recently met a woman 15 years younger than him, and they are dating and according to what he told me they are intimate. I guess she is the "whore" for right now.
I am a 48yo male that has the complex. I am not a therapist but I am trying to go cold turkey. My wife was the whore when I was dating another woman. Now we have 2 incredible kids. I have had several other women function as the whore. All i can tell you is that i just don't want to do it anymore. I want my wife to be the Madonna and the whore or neither. Its not her problem to fix...but she definetely is willing to be the whore again. Sounds like fun trying to get it right. Thank God she thinks the advice to leave me is insane. I won't test her limits anymore
My heart goes out to everyone who has posted about this terrible illness. I too am with someone that I believe suffers from this. I had never heard of this disorder until our sex therapist mentioned something about it.
I have been with my boyfriend for nine months, and it is sad to say I can probably count on two hands how many times we have had sex. I have found that not only is the sex lacking, but intimacy all together is non-existent. We very rarely kiss, and when we do it feels very disconnected. He is very affectionate as long as there is no sexual connotation. He will hold my hand and snuggle, but that is as far as he will go.
As I mentioned, my heart aches for everyone participating in this forum. I know it has taken a toll on me. I find myself crying on a weekly basis and I am now consumed with resentment. I feel completely undesirable and inadequate. I have become my own worst critic as it relates to my body image. I can now pick out every flaw on my body. Although I realize deep down that this is not my fault, I still can't help but think that maybe changing this or that will make me more desirable in my boyfriend's eyes. I will spend hours trying to "perfect" my look. I cannot tell you how much I have spent on my hair, makeup, clothes and lingerie with the hopes that I will somehow become worthy of sex in my boyfriend's eyes.
It is horrible cycle, and I can tell you that my self-esteem has suffered greatly. Unfortunately, my boyfriend comes up with every excuse as to why we cannot have sex. I have heard everything from the lighting is not right, the dog is a distraction, he wants me to wear lingerie every time, he likes only thong underwear, he has anxiety, he does not like having sex at night, he does not like that I talk about the need for sex. .. the list of excuses goes on and on.
My boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship aside from the lack of intimacy. He is everything I wanted; however, my heart cannot take much more of this. I have given my boyfriends three months to turn things around. As much I hate to resort to utlimatums, I cannot imagine living my life like this. I am 32 years old, and at some point in the near future I want to start my family. The last thing I want to do is be that women who invests month into a relationship that will never go anywhere.
I'm a 42 year old male with the MWC. To all of you women who put the blame on the man, and as the best advice you only say "Run, leave the relationship", I'd like to say something. We are VICTIMS!!! Do you think we enjoy being the way we are? We were raised in an emotionally abusive environment, that's way we ended up being like this! I had a cold and distant mother, who also died when I was a teenager. Plus, add all of the bullshit that society teaches us about women (porn, women's role, etc.) and you get the picture.
I'm not saying that you should all stay in the relationship and swallow your pride, but hey, saying :"leave him, dump him, run away, etc" seems very harsh to me!
If your husband ended up on a weelchair, what would you do? Since it's a permanent condition I assume that you would leave, right?!?! Well, that sucks!!!
We have our own needs, and our body/mind is disconnected, in one word we are dysfunctional, but deep dowm we love our wives. You all should be more understanding, patient and think that maybe with therapy there is a solution. Keep in mind also that blaming others because your self-esteem goes down the tube is wrong. Your self-esteem comes from within you, you shouldn't expect you husband to do things to boost it, otherwise you have a psychological problem yourself.
Having said so, I study psychology and I'm trying to deal with this issue. As a piece od advice I can tell to women: confront your husband, and bring him the facts. Don't threaten him, don't try to be more seductive, just bring him to therapy.
To men I'd say, being aware is the first step in the process to heal. Be honest to your wife, explain her the facts, promise her that you'll do anything you can to fix it and FOLLOW THROUGH!!!!
Good luck to everyone
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