Thursday, April 24, 2014
Monday, January 12, 2009 mms5678, Community Member, asks

Q: Is is normal for my husband to masterbate while i am in the bed next to him sleeping?

The other morning when I woke up to the bed shaking, I realized my husband was pleasuring himself without me.  I didn't know what to do and felt like I was intruding so I just pretended I was still sleeping until it was over.  When I shifted my position to lay on my side, my husband jumped right off of the bed.  He definitely wanted to keep it a secret.  This is the second or third time this has happened.  Meanwhile its been at least 6 weeks since we have had intercourse.  Is this normal or should I be worried?

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Answers (8)
jd_acura, Community Member
1/12/09 10:32am

He could be highly stressed, talk to him and listen to what he has to say, don't attack him it will only make it worst.

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Jezebel, Community Member
1/13/09 11:45am

This happened with my ex-husband. It turned out that he had a heavy addiction to online porn and could not become aroused by normal intercourse anymore. (When I say heavy addiction to porn, I mean beastiality. We're not talking normal every day porn here!)

 

Though this probably isn't the case with your husband, no sex for six weeks is definitely a sign that something is wrong. Was your sex life okay previously? Sometimes sex becomes so stressful that people find it easier to just masturbate. Have you tried initiating sex recently? If so, what happens?

 

I would talk to him about it, but don't be confrontational. In fact, don't mention the masturbation at all; there is no reason to embarrass him. Tell him you're concerned about the lack of sex and that you miss it. See where the conversation goes from there.

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mms5678, Community Member
1/13/09 1:24pm

Thanks for the helpful info.  This has been an off and on again situation for the past 3 years.  Not the masturbation thing, I don't think (at least I've never woke up before) !  But we've gone many months without intercourse, sex and I really think it's been at least 5 or 6 years since we've had any heavy kissing.    I felt like I was the "guy" always asking for sex and he not being interested.  I went as far as going to marriage counseling to figure things out, he went once! Then told me since it was me who was unhappy then I needed to get the help, not him.  Things were good for awhile (sexually) and now we're right back where we were.  I just don't know how to go on this merry go around AGAIN!  Sometimes I think this is not a big deal, i'm just being selfish and other times it feels like its really important. 

Any comments, advice, insight would be helpful!

Thanks in advance

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MadrileƱa, Community Member
7/11/09 6:25pm

Marriage is work as a team and he should have gone to marriage counseling with you.  It´s not about you being ´unhappy.´ It´s about the two of your solving an issue that affects both and if only one person of a team makes the effort, little will be resolved.  He shouldn´t place the burden on you, but should play an active part in issues as a couple. 

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cleokatrarose21, Community Member
1/16/09 12:54am

When a man is not getting pleasure of any kind from his wife he tends to masterbate by himself or he may even go find someone else to feel his desire, the best way to stop it is to help him do it or to give him regular blowjobs.

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vally58, Community Member
12/19/09 12:14pm

The same thing happened to me the other night.  I had been mentioning that "maybe we could have sex today" for many days prior to this.  At first I was very hurt and acting sarcastic.  Now I am not going to mention this any more.  Apparently he does not need me.  I am kinda over it and I'm sure this is not the first time and not the last.  He knows I know because I got up when he was done and said "how come you can't have sex with me?"  I guess it is normal for men to do that so I will just accept it.

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J.M., Community Member
1/ 2/10 8:33am

hey "V" why do you have to ask? thats your husband right? then take charge girl, stop confronting him with words your pushing him away, and start doing with soft passionate but direct actions, put romance in it, be spontaneous. Be persistant without being too pushy. You could even try joining in on the fun next with him while he's doing this, and you do you then maybe you two can even swap where he does you and you do him at the same time(MORE ACTION LESS WORDS). Come on guys jump in the fun, sex is supposed to be fun and exciting make it that way...

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J.M., Community Member
1/ 2/10 8:34am

hey "V" why do you have to ask? thats your husband right? then take charge girl, stop confronting him with words your pushing him away, and start doing with soft passionate but direct actions, put romance in it, be spontaneous. Be persistant without being too pushy. You could even try joining in on the fun next with him while he's doing this, and you do you then maybe you two can even swap where he does you and you do him at the same time(MORE ACTION LESS WORDS). Come on guys jump in the fun, sex is supposed to be fun and exciting make it that way...

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barney, Community Member
12/23/09 6:30am

Men masturbating in itself is nothing to be concerned about. Particularly if they have a higher sex drive then their partner, its just relieving some sexual frustration and despite what many woman think it doesn't mean that they don't need or love you.

 

However in this case that doesn't seem to be true as he has lost interest in sex as well. Normally I would have said maybe you should take the initiative during sex but it sounds like this is what you have been doing anyway. I think there is probably deeper issues here than just this unfortunately. Have you tried asking him (in a calm and un-confrontational manner) why he would prefer to masturbate than have sex with you. It could have been something as simple as he woke up feeling horny and didn't want to disturb you.

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J.M., Community Member
1/ 2/10 8:23am

i read all the other posibilities, how about just nice and calm without speaking next time gently reach over and you do it for him with your hand, and even maybe after a few hand strokes just slide down and blow him, slowly useing a combination of hand and mouth, then when your done with him ask him to go down on you, like say o.k. baby now its mamas turn, or if you dont want to push the issue just yet then lay on his chest and caress him, thats your man right? then make him feel that way, reasure him...............

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thomas, Community Member
10/19/13 11:50pm

There is no soft way of asking him. just do it. of all the answers the blow job is the best but it ends there. even think about him goin down on u, unless he offers to

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RogBaby, Community Member
3/13/14 2:06pm

yes it is normal. I"m 76 now, and have masterbate at 11 years old. Instead of 4 - 5 times a day now I"m only doing it once a day. My first wife and I both would master bate sith or with out the other. A male needs to keep doing it to keep his Prostate from getting too large whe n he is older. Some wife don't have sex after they are 60 so shat else can I do and still be a one man/woman.? She knows I masterbate abd I have no reason to hide it from her.  I suggest you have a talk with him and get him to keep it open to you. If thzt doesn't help..... Get yhe physco folks to help you both to understand what and why masterbation is normsl as eating a meal. Speaking of eating, that works both ways too.

 

 

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By mms5678, Community Member— Last Modified: 03/27/14, First Published: 01/12/09