Saturday, October 25, 2014
Tuesday, October 21, 2008 Honkey Magoo, Community Member, asks

Q: Newlywed husband won't have sex with me and won't talk about the problem. What should I do?

My husband of one year isn't interested in sex and hasn't been for a while. He used to say it was stress from school, then stress from work, then that he was too tired. Now he doesn't even try to make an excuse. He won't talk about it, so I don't know what's wrong. All I do know is that he is not having dysfunction issues and he is not unfaithful. What else could it be?  He tells me it isn't my fault and I shouldn't worry or bother him about it, but this quite obviously affects me too.  I'm a young newlywed with a healthy sexual appetite and  I feel so frustrated.

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Answers (7)
chu, Community Member
10/25/08 7:24am

i would recommend roleplaying for this it might help..try sexy outfits and or act like strangers meeting in a new place such as going to a restaurant and act like hes a charming stranger, or just simply touch yourself while your next to him in bed... if all else fails i would just say buy that shower massager youve always wanted till he comes out of it :)

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ms_uwish, Community Member
10/23/08 12:45am

Sometimes when a guy is under serious amounts of stress, he has trouble performing. Have the two of you had any problems with either of you not being "fulfilled" while making love? If he has and it happened more then once, chances are that emotionally he is beating himself up, which only makes it worse. My exhusband go so bad at this that we once went 6 months with no sex. Until he started talking about it and I understood what was going on, only then did it get better. When he wasnt talking about it and we attempted sex, I would get frustrated and upset because I felt like it was me, while only made it ten times worse. Once he talked and I understood that he was under so much pressure and it was affecting his performance, things did improve and we got our sex life back. (The divorce had nothing to do with this issue, let me reassure you, he went through a mid life crisis and decided marriage wasnt for him)  We did little things like, dates, making out, seducing without the act of sex, and worked on being intimate without having sex. These things really seemed to help. But until you can get him to talk, nothing is going to change. And if he is cheating on you, you know, every woman has that gut instinct. So if you dont think its that, then get him talking. Do you have a lot of bills or did you buy a house recently? All these things are stress to him, whether they are to you or not. Good luck and I hope this helped! (Sorry so long)

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Christianrockchick, Community Member
12/ 4/08 2:03pm

I don't have an answer for you but I wanted you to know that you are definitely NOT alone! My husband and I have only been married 7 months and his sex drive has slowed way down.  I was a virgin before we were married so I've been looking forward to having sex for a LONG time. It was well worth the wait but I'm a little disillusioned with my reality right now. If that makes any sense.  I think the first lady that answered your question has some good advice. I definitely think it's going to help me.  Right now all I know to do is pray, pray, pray.  :)

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baltimoresun, Community Member
10/29/09 11:38pm

I'm with you.  My husband and I have been married for less than 3 months and even though we waited until the wedding night (as a couple... he had a somewhat damaging sexual relationship back in high school) and he had kept talking to me about his concern that I might not have much of a sex drive (admittedly, I talked openly with him about my apprehensions, which is fine)-- but the man is just not that interested.

 

I was confused on our honeymoon because I was always initiating.  Even now, I am the initiater (which, believe me, I never thought would be the case!). 

 

I have only become sexually active after our wedding and since then I have never had an orgasm, so I wonder if my inability to get there (and he has tried the usual suspects) makes him less interested.  It must, right?  I mean, I understand that. 

 

I've never told him, but I almost feel like I've never had sex, since it's never done anything for me physically. 

 

It's sad, and frustrating. 
Are there any other options, or should we go to counseling before we get stuck in a bad habit?

 

Thanks!

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kumkum, Community Member
3/ 9/13 1:46am

I m also newly married with same problem. I got married 5 months back and still studying so stays in hostel. but i made it a point to go home on weekends so that i could develop bond with my husband and his sexual needs are fulfilled.here i also want to tell that i am not unattractive in any way and we talked over phone for 6 months when marriage was fixed by parents but he didnt come ever to see me before marriage. I thought he is conservative types. So that was not a big issue 4 me. I was a virgin before we got married without any experience. Whenever i went to my husband, he would masturbate in front of me and i watched and thought this is all sex is because my husband told me that this normal and he is able to masturbate and ejaculate because i was sitting and watching .This went on for 5 months till i talked to one of my female friend and she said its not normal and my husband is either a gay or is impotent. When i tried to talk to him abt this, he became furious and defensive and involved his family and told me now the issue will be discussed in front of my parents only. My innocence was the biggest mistake. He says he doent want to break up with me.But for the 5 months he prepared me mentally that sex is nothing and we should have emotional bond in the relation and thats all that matters. i dont remember even last time when we had sex may be 3-4 months back. I still feel i m a virgin. Here i also want to tell that i am working also and getting huge salary package. may be the reason he doesnt want to break up. I even requested him to see a doctor so that we can lead a normal life but he says we dont need a doctor and is reluctant. Kindly suggest what to do

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KeepOn, Community Member
6/14/13 3:21pm

Hi.  I'm in the same boat too.  I've been married 10 months and I am so tired of being the initiator.  I've let him know plainly what I want, but he just doesn't do it.  On top of all this, because I am in my early forties & want to get pregnant (he wants it too), it is all the more confusing & not understandable.  When the days come that he needs to perform, the excuses come.  I've just been crying all day.  I need to do more praying.

I also waited to be sexually active until marriage & was so looking forward to it.  I don't ever feel it that much either, but I am still happy to do it.  I think it will come with time.  As the other girl who responded to you think, I also think that that probably bothers him.  But this much?!

With my guy, I think another part of the problem is that he is not yet settled into his career & his focus is very much on that.  I respect him for that; his intentions are good.  However, he needs to learn to balance things in life better.

Anybody have any suggestions?????

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Testosterone, Community Member
1/18/09 8:50pm

Hi there...allot of people struggle with sexual problems its normal in allot of peoples lives...there are many reasons why your husband might not want sex or has lost his desire  for sex it could be he has a impotence problem  or his testosterone levels are low or he could be under allot of stress and that in allot of ways does take your mind off of sex...as you are is wife he is suppose to talk to you about  sex  because one of the reasons people get married is for the purpose of sex and sex is important in marraige...if you talk to your husband and he wont address the issue then he is trying to hide something because there are allot of things that you can use to build a strong sex drive such as viagra or testosterone pills because testosterone is the male hormone that is responsible for the sex drive in men working out and lifting weights also helps to boost the male sex drive...its hard for a relationship to last with out sex because if you want sex and he don't then you will have the urge to get it else were which you dont want to do so talk to your husband and ask him to be honest with you about why he don't want sex and if he don't answer you well you will have to take the next step or ask your doctor to help you by talking to him...

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sexless marriage, Community Member
11/ 1/09 9:34am

I have been married for 9 years the first year (newlywed year) I think we acutally had sex 5 times during the year.  Since that I have been in a sexless marriage, sad thing is I don't understand it either.  When I would address it with him, this is what I heard..now his excuses started with 1 and continued with different excuses each time.

1.my boobs were to little, maybe if my boobs were bigger

2.I was too skinny, maybe if I gained weigh

3.I am always the initiator, stopped being the intiator

4.My shorts/dresses are too short, dressed different for him

5.He is tired from work, left him alone

6.Slept in another bedroom, satisfied myself

8.No intimacy, peck kissed on the lips, became peck kisses on top of my head

7.Last excuse he gave was its becasue I was married before and everytime he touches me he thinks about it.....my approach ....DIVORCE

 

I still do not know what his problem was, but I do know he made me question myself "what is wrong with me", but then I stopped that kind of thinking because there is nothing wrong with me....he emotionally check out of our marriage.  He is 56 and I am 49 and the way I see it is, You only have one Life, one time around, don't waste it!  I may end up never having sex again,I hope I can find someone.  I hate that 9 years of my life were wasted years and now I am 9 years older, but that is ok  I just want to be loved and desired by someone who can.

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latebloom, Community Member
11/20/09 3:58pm

I too suffer from an intimate free relationship, and have been engaged for over 4 years because I can't take the plunge with someone who doesn't find me attractive in that way.  We have gone through counseling apart as well as together, and he never really said what the reason he is not interested in it.  He is adamant that he wants it to work out and it always pulls on my heart strings. I too went through ( and still struggling with ) "what is wrong with me?" 

We had a decent sex life our 1st 2 years together, then it went down hill and right when I was ready to make the break, he proposed, I was 34.  Having never been married I felt the social pressure to accept. 

I have found that the lack of intimacy is not just confined to the bedroom, he lacks an element of intimacy in emotional issues as well, and the two seem to go hand in hand. 

He is a great guy in so many other areas, and we do get along well, but more as roommates. I guess I don't have any advice for anyone, I just feel for all your frustration and hope that it all works out for the best with continued working towards a solution!  Best of luck, you all deserve to have your needs met... including me!

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spekka, Community Member
11/ 7/10 9:24am

I'm in the same boat as the rest of you. My husband and I dated for 4 years prior to our marriage 1 week ago and never had sex. I tried several times, but he was never interested. And now, here we are 1 week into the marriage and we had no sex or intimacy on the honeymoon. But, he did finally open up to me about some things! See, I always thought that he didn't find me attractive or that he was gay, even though he was always capable of getting an erection for me, but refused to use it. He admitted to me that he has sexual thoughts about me all the time and that he secretely masturbates on an almost daily basis. But he doesn't know why he is unable to actually have sex with me.

 

I don' t know what to do either. He's been to the doctor and his T level is fine. the DR did give him viagra to try (and he's only 26) and the viagra did not help. Sure he got an erection, but then wouldn't let me play with it. He has no history of bad relationships or abuse. We don't have a good sex therapist in the area and while he admits that he wants to change, neither of us know where to go from here.

 

What's worse, every time I try to have sex with him now, it erupts into a violent argument and we've only been married for 1 week!

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sunshine, Community Member
2/17/11 10:07am

well check out "narcissist personality disorder".....i just very recently discovered this and it has rock my world to say the least.

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Tracey, Community Member
4/30/13 3:21am
The same thing happened to me. I've been married 4 mths. At first in our relationship we used to make love All the time... Then it stopped... He was trying to get back with his ex-wife behind my back.. Reply
priyanu, Community Member
12/21/13 2:46am

m also facing the same problem. Its been 7 months of my marriage and me and my husband did not have sex yet.  I have talked to him about this and wat he say's is that he loves me a lot and affraid of loosing me but he don't feel like having sex with me. he say's he felt sometime doing it but after sometime he dont feel like. please tell wat can i do.. m very depressed and week.. dont know wat to do.. please suggest me something.

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By Honkey Magoo, Community Member— Last Modified: 03/14/14, First Published: 10/21/08