“The hunger for power can bleed into all areas of intimate relationships,” Tessina says. “We see it in the level of commitment people are willing to make to each other, how they spend time together and in who makes the decisions in a relationship.”
Keeping the Peace
So if power trips and the squabbles that follow them are inevitable in affairs of the heart, how can couples keep the peace while saying their piece during a fight? No newsflash here -- the answer is good communication.
Both Gray and Tessina agree that whether a relationship is a success or a failure depends on how well each partner understands the needs and desires of the other. This doesn’t come easy though.
“Having to relearn the basics of communication doesn’t mean your relationship is healthy or unhealthy,” says Tessina. “What makes your relationship healthy is whether or not its functional, meaning the two of you can express disagreements without hurting each other, solve problems together and then move on. If working on understanding each other is what you have to do to get there, then by all means do it.”
Disagreement Downers
First, lets look at what the experts say you shouldn’t do during an argument:
Don’t run off at the mouth. People tend to get lost when too much information is spewed at them too fast. Keep your comments short and simple. A common rule of thumb in couple’s therapy is to talk in only three to four sentences at a time, then pause for feedback. Here’s a helpful script: This is the problem I want to talk to you about. What can we do together to work this out? How do you feel about what I’ve just said?
Don’t let it all hang out. Blame tell-all shows like Jerry Springer for the explosion of the idea that no detail should be spared when confronting a lover, but don’t expect this losing tactic to work in real life. “There’s nothing more wrong than the idea that you can just let it all hang out in a relationship,” says Tessina. “You can’t dump on your partner and expect it all to work out.”
