Stay on topic. It’s easy to lose track of the goals of an argument when your emotions are in overdrive. Rather than rambling on, keep the focus on what you’re trying to accomplish when confronting your lover. Think of what you want to resolve. “Most couples start out arguing about one thing,” says Gray, “and within five minutes, they’re arguing about the way they are arguing. It becomes counterproductive.”
FYI -- Most marriage and family counselors consider starting a fight just to take stress out on your partner borderline abusive behavior.
Use “I”-statements. Overusing the word “you” while arguing comes off as critical and accusatory. Sentences like “You used me,” and “You make me feel worthless” usually alienate the person on the receiving end. Try “I”-statements instead. They keep the tone of the conversation respectful, and they aren’t as hard for the recipient to swallow. There are four pieces to constructing an I-statement:
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Begin with “I.”
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Then, say what you feel or what you want.
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Explain the action or event that evoked your feelings.
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Detail the effect the event has on you.
A clear “I”-statement might sound like this: “I feel scared when you stay at the club all night because I’m afraid you’ll find someone else.”
Make a date. Agree on a convenient time to talk. It’s not the time to bring up your issues when your partner’s running late for work or when he’s just walked in the door from a long day in the lecture hall. “Making a date forces you to center yourself beforehand so that you can come together without all the anger and with greater understanding and acceptance,” Tessina says.
Know when to stop. Don’t beat your point to death. If what you’re saying isn’t getting across, or if you’re getting too riled up, it’s time to walk away. According to Tessina, people who don’t know when to stop typically are looking for reassurance that things will work out. If reassurance is what you want, simply ask your partner for it and move on.
Still think hooking up for the long haul is a cakewalk? Like life, relationships don’t come with instructions. But with patience, hard work and an open mind on the part of both partners, learning to argue constructively without hurting feelings (and without ending up in a dismal chat room for the recently dumped) isn’t out of reach.
And who knows? You could learn something new about each other and even fall deeper in love in the process. Besides, the faster you learn to argue with purpose, the quicker you can get to the fun part -- the making up.
