Once you've discovered the scope of the transgression (how long has it been going on and how serious is the connection), you'll have to decide whether you can forgive and forget. Maybe you can turn the other cheek at a kiss, but not a one-night stand, or maybe you balk at even a lip-lock. Whatever you decide is fine because only you know what you can live with.
Taking a Hard Look
Ask yourself and your partner "what's the likelihood of this happening again?" According to Buss, "If your partner is narcissistic (thinks only of him- or herself) and impulsive, he's more likely to cheat. If he's conscientious, empathetic, and doesn't think he's the center of the universe, he's less likely to do it again." No matter what your partner tells you, once people cheat, the odds are they'll cheat again because, according to Buss, "It's a cardinal law of human nature." On the other hand, there are examples of people who are able to clean up their act and remain faithful after a bad judgment call on their part.
Rebuilding the Relationship
If you decide to stay together, both of you will need to be patient. It can take months, even years, for you to trust your partner again. As you heal, watch for these pitfalls:
- Revenge Cheating. He cheated on you with your friend so you do the same with one of his basketball buddies. It's normal to fantasize about "getting even," but don't let yourself act on it.
- Playing the Fidelity Detective. Once your suspicion has been rightfully aroused, it's hard to silence the nagging voice that asks, "She said she was going to meet her sister at the mall for a movie. Why is her diaphragm missing?" The next time your partner comes home late, however, don't grill him about where he's been or accuse her of misbehaving. It's bound to start a fight, which can further erode the relationship.
- Rehashing the Past. At the time of the crime, you let it slide, but now you're haunted by questions such as: Was your rival a better lover than you? How long exactly did foreplay last? No matter how curious you are, don't probe. The answers will only hurt, and cause you to relive the agony all over again.
Don't Forget
If you two face up to the work that needs to be done in order to get past this bumpy stretch of road, your relationship can survive and even thrive. Some couples even insist that a slipup in the fidelity department actually ends up strengthening their bond, because it made the unfaithful partner realize exactly how much he or she stood to lose.
