Now with almost two weeks of being smoke free, I was going to lie to myself. I wasn't feeling any better nor were the withdrawal symptoms lessening. The free nicotine patches from NYS were starting to leave darker circles on my arms and chest. They caused the area where applied to itch and fell off at times. Still, I had convinced myself, if I could make it a month~~ I'd be fine.
Yet, the INCNC was growing stronger. It seemed their 'drafting' of supporters was at its best during the morning. I began to have more trouble sleeping than in my past. At least by 3 AM, I would have fallen to sleep, now I was watching the sun come up. So, my body and mind fully exhausted by 7 - 8 AM, I fell into fitful slumber merged with waking every two hours or less.
My mind thought of smoking just one cigarette. Thoughts of how fresh tobacco smelled prior to lighting it lingered behind my shut eyes. Attempts to replace memories of how a cigarette felt in between my fingers was easy. Just one cigarette, screamed my mind. The thoughts of the feelings when smoke inhaled and held in my mouth then inhaled deep into my lungs. Yet, other people's smoke did stink, but I didn't say it. Just one cigarette~~ just one my mind screamed as my body joined the campaign.
I wrestled my body and mind at times minute to minute against smoking just one cigarette. Meanwhile, the INCNC just sat back watching ~~~planning. My body began to betray me ~~losing my appetite then eating which gave my stomach cramps~~ forcing at least three small meals a day~~ more vegetables, natural juices, water, less fried foods~~ my body said 'ha, ha'. The INCNC began rallying for my body. Bouts of constipation~~ laxatives barely working, less and less REM sleep. My mind volunteered for service in the INCNC and I cried.
INCNC marched in wave after wave of negative speeches. My emotions were all over the place. I secretly wanted to fight those who cut me off in traffic, didn't give me answers correctly and quickly, sometimes so sensitive I just sat and thought of just ONE.
Finally, my mind, body and the INCNC won. I removed the nicotine patch and walked to CVS to buy me a pack of Capri Menthol Lights. My opposition clapped with vigor when I paid for the cigarettes with feelings of a drug addict sneaking a "hit". Leaving the drugstore, I slowly slipped the cellophane off the top of the box. The INCNC, my body and mind began to chant, "Just One!" and "You can have just ONE." ~~over and over. Walking back toward home I flipped the top back and removed the foil. Twenty cigarettes, yet all my body needed was ONE. This ‘rationale' was now being reinforced by soothing thoughts of look how long I had gone without cigarettes.
I thought I should wait to I get home to have this....Just ONE. Finding the matches I placed in my pocket and slowly slipping Just ONE out of the 20~~ I lit it and inhaled. X@@??!!, the first puff didn't taste all that good. Maybe, the next one will be better~~ the slow pull from the cigarette, smoke filled my mouth as I inhaled deep into my lungs ~~failure. Exhaling this smoke steadily as I crossed the street, I felt a bit dizzy. Still the ONE didn't live up to what my body and mind wanted. Yet, the INCNC was throwing a gala to celebrate the surge of nicotine and smoke.
