a bit bewildered

Hi Randilyn - it is me, adrian ... it is weird not smoking, and when i read your comment , then your post , i realized i could have done better on my email to you ....

i will say Happy Birthday .. and offer you this , it is something that both my therapist and best friend have said to me ...

"There is no right way or wrong way to quit ... that you accept smoking the same as any other addiction ... and always remember you are a "recovering smoker" ... so just as you keep a journal in recovery for depression, or whatever your afflictions are , do the same for smoking ... write it down, get it out and move on ..."

So, while I thought about how dumb that sounded , it works for me ... as I do have issues aside from smoking ... depression, ms, cfs, cp, ibs, gerd and side shows that come along with each ...

My therapist said , what are your life goals .. gave me an assignment to do ... 9 life goals , what they are and how i plan to acheive them ...

Smoking , while one of the most stressful , was up there in order of priority ... so i talked about a plan, and just stuck with it ... and when i get stressed and "think" i need that smoke .. i take a walk, i do the laundry, i distract myself and practice my breathing , listen to music , any of the tools i learned to make me feel good about myself ...

i hang affirmations on the mirrors , so when i wake or travel into the bathrooms .. i re-affirm my sense of power over my body ... i tell myself that i am not a smoker any longer and sorta sneer my way through the detox , it doesn't have me ...

ms people use this logic , that ms doesn't have me , it doesn't define me , and this can and is applied to pretty much all situations ..

so, if you feel blue, feel blue ... but express it , by writing, painting , drawing , walking, take a drive , pet your pets , anything that makes you feel good about you .. and pat yourself on the back , you are allowed to .. as you are doing great ...

when faced with adversity, stare it down , understand it, accept it , find a way either through it or around it and keep going ..

my posts are generally negative ... most say i should look up , and i know they mean well .. but i also suffer from low self-esteem , so when i do write, it is for me ... when i do express , it is for me to release these thoughts .. get rid of them , so i can move on ...

i don't normally take the time to explain myself to anyone .. but i am generous to a fault ... another issue for me, and i am happy most of the time ... i tend to hold these negative feelings in, to myself , and when i get full , they spill out in ways that are not healthy ..

so , i take the high road, and continue to express me ... that is why i love this place ... i can feel free to let the "demons" out , as i usually just say, oh well, and even though it really bothers me, hurts me or pains me .. never again will i hold those feelings in .. as they turn to anger inside , that is not healthy ...

so write what you feel and think, and if you re-read it , even you will think , wow ? was that me ? and as time goes forward , you may even sneer at the situation , because it doesn't have you anymore ... am i making sense ???

i hope so, my cognitive skills are somewhat lacking these days , but i do my best .. so don't you worry about it , you can email me , or join me and my buddies on the chronic pain forums , "Daily Grind" , where we all have pain of some sort and find comfort and acceptance ..

wishing you well on your journey ... and while i am going away for a week .. i have decided this trip not to take any gadgets and just enjoy what i always loved , my friends, nature and talking ... lol ... take care ... adrian

oh yes, and i find that you are inspiring .. you are strong and you just do what you have to , please ... i care , i care because you do .. and whenever i get down on myself , i remember where i came from to where i am today and where it is i want to be ...

it can happen that way , so each of us has the ability to inspire , in our own way, and mostly because we are honest .. just be you , and be honest and you will see ... you may not even know how many lives you have touched by sharing your story ...

i tend to ramble .. and just wanted to add this , as it was my intent originally to start with this ... ugh, this is my life , it has become pretty much backwards .. giggle ... and you have made me giggle, which is very rare ... agserra

Hi, Randilynne.

Congratulations on your continued success and happy (belated) birthday. I wanted to share that I also felt deprived for a long time after quitting smoking (this same feeling accompanied me in my early months of alcochol recovery). Smoking was a very close friend that was there for us no matter what. You are grieving the loss of that friend and the recovery process will not happen overnight. Just know that time does make it easier and one day you will feel that joy of freedom. Hang in there!

(and know that if you invite that deadly "friend" back into your life even for a puff, you will not be happier - quite the opposite - do what you can to distract yourself until the craving passes - you will be grateful you did)

best,

anne