believe it or not, i actually do keep a private journal. i write on this site because i feel that it has impact. even if my posts go unread, they still exsist in a public forum and maybe they can help. i've gotten so much help from this site. there's news and professional's opinions. i read jim and the mid life gals. the entry i just read is about "salgal" and her winstons. it must be so hard to quit if you're generally healthy and have longevity in your family. my father (biological) smoked so much that the 2nd time i met him i actually asked if he was just nervous in my presence. he wasn't. he owned a vending company. when i was 13 he "anonimously" gave me a juke box and pinball machine. at 17 he offered a cigarette machine. it wasn't a sincere offer however every time i saw him he came armed with cartons of marlboro lights for me. he had half his stomach removed for ulcers. and a lung to cancer. ultimately he died, gruesomely (i"ve been told. i was estranged in his "mind") from brain cancer. i read it in the paper. my mother has someting called renke's(sp) edema. the e.n.t doc told her that it was a mucal mass on her vocal cords. it had to be biopsied.(it was benign) if she continued to refrain from smoking it would still come back but wouldn't need a biopsy again. she didn't smoke for 7 months ( i think). but she's back. it's easy but oddly difficult for me i'd just get sicker more rapidly than the average person and die sooner. i've written about being on chantix. it's so against my personality to be an agressive cheerleader but i can't say enough about the help it's given me. i'd yell from rooftops (without losing my breath) maybe cold turkey is more impressive. but without the chantix i was white knuckling. i could have easily been salgal without the pills. i don't know how long i can realistically take them if anyone does know, i'd love the info. but when i was off i started bargaining to start up again. i had mental schedules and limits set up. all that was missing were my marlboro ultra lights. so i restarted canitix. do i want a cigarette? yeah. but not really .....and oops....it's past. and the dsire is waning. taking a little pill may go against alot of peoples beliefs. for me the means justifies the end. and could change prognosises (prognosi? ha-ha) about my end. thank you all for being here
