Part II: Facing death, humility, and shame

Good day everyone,

This is the second part of my story and by next week it should be all caught up.  Take some time, get your popcorn, apparently parts of this are hilarious.  I have been told by many that this part of the story brings tears, but then causes laughter through those tears.  Now, I am going to present the PG version of April 4, 2008 and the first cycle of chemotherapy.  Now, if anyone wants to ever experience this, by all means, I would switch places in a second.

So, bright and early at 9:00AM.  I had my bags packed and I was ready to start chemo.  I didn't know if I would be starting on this Friday morning, April 4, but I had my appointment and my mother and I drove up to the Hillman Cancer Center ready to get it on.  I was ready to brawl and beat this thing up. Boy, I was in for a rude awakening.

Now, I went into the center that day thinking that this whole cancer thing was a big joke.  It was curable, and not only that, it was highly curable.  One visit from the nurse changed that.  As she went through the possible side effects some stuck out in my 22-year old mind.  Sterilization??  Erectile problems??  Loss of motor skills??  It was my goal to win an Olympic Title and be a father and here I am being told that I may have permanent numbness in my fingertips, that I may lose my lung capacity, that I may not be able to have kids. 

The chemo regimen that I am on is the most intense one they can give anyone- and for good measure.  The doctor had even scarier news yet.  My original chance of surviving this cancer was 50-65%.  It was already in its most advanced stage and consisted of a twelve pound tumor between my kidneys, another tumor in my lungs, and another one in my liver.  They were still out to lunch on my brain and my testicles.  This meant that there as a good chance of castration.  Castration mind you.  Like I am an animal.  I honestly will never neuter another pet as long as I live.  I mean this is scary stuff.  Imagine, in thirty minutes, that a good outcome would be losing your manhood.  If that is not terrible enough, if I kept it, I could go sterile.  If that isn't enough, if I made it through and did not, I would be 200 times more likely to give my children birth defects.  I felt shattered, hopeless, and like I would never reach my goals.  My mother was right beside me and her face was one I will never forget.  Here she is and it is a coin flip if she is going to have her son. 

Well, one of the downsides of my type of cancer is the trip to the sperm bank.  I swear, this is the most humiliating experience of my life and I will share it here.  You will probably laugh, and I hope you do.  Looking back on it, it is hysterical.  At the time...not so much.  So, I, already in a sour mood because of the news just received, had to drive to a woman's hospital to give sperm and get more bloodwork done to check for things like AIDS.  I was surprised that in the five prior bloodworks they did not check for AIDS, so there I was, the only male patient in a woman's hospital.  You might have well put a sign on my head saying "Only here to masturbate".  Yeah, so I get all checked in and now that my mother knows that I do what all men do, but hide from their mothers, I received my bag from the girl.  The directions were a blur, I only caught about half of them as I fought off wanting to vomit due to the fact that my mother now knew that I masturbated.  She, with a timeless motivational speech said, "Now hunny, make sure you don't miss the tube, I know you do not want to go through this again."