Hello again,
I am through my third week of chemo, so I'm basically through my third cycle. I only have one more long week and four more short weeks so I can jump the cancer fence in about forty hours.
The last week was really, really hard. It seems like every day got harder and harder. I became more and more worn down, and just more and more miserable. Cancer really has become pretty unpredictable in terms of what I expected and what has happened.
My first week of chemo was very easy. I honestly thought that this would be almost a cake walk. Uh, now, not so much. I am realizing that its a dogfight the whole time--it really is at times. The things that get to me are mostly the steroids, which make me shake, and just the run of the chemo which keeps me awake and flu-like all the time. And, well, I guess the tons of fluids I get make me have to use the little boy's room like every half hour, so when I get to sleep, I have to get back up again.
All in all it is pretty annoying, and sometimes it downright stinks, but I am getting through it I guess. One thing that I thought would never happen to me is my distaste for food. I never really understood how someone could not want to eat. To say I was a big eater is an understatement. In fact, my parents used to go looking for those places that had the eating contests because I would be able to eat for free. It's a tradition of mine to take a girl out on a date right after pre-gaming with a few double quarter pounders so I am actually full after just one dinner. Not so much anymore though.
So, I keep my weight up and everything's going well, my mom and I take long walks through the grocery store to just see what looks good. If something looks edible, its bought, cooked, and eaten immediately. Eating used to be probably my favorite time of the day. I think now that has turned into sleeping.
Enough complaining. I am actually kind of feeling a new vicarious zest for things. My brother is coming home tomorrow from school and I get to train him as he competes for his national title coming up in a couple months. I know I am not in the best of shape anymore because of the cancer with my red blood cells dying and the whatnot, but I am excited to be able to put him through workouts and be there as much as I can. I like to think I know what is going on and I really am glad that I get the chance to help him reach that goal. In fact, I almost want to relive winning that title vicariously through him, you could say. Not for me, but for him, and to sit there and be able to help him feel that feeling.
It is a goal of mine and I am still going to the gym, but I am excited to start getting back on the mat and to push him and try to be the best coach and brother I can be at this time. It's kind of strange because one or both of us have been a state away at school for almost seven years. Because of him attending boarding school like I did, he is kind of recluse from what goes on daily with me and my cancer. I really don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, or how a 17-year old kid is going to handle this, but we are really close and I know his support is there.
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