In many relationships/marriages one partner wants and initiates sex more often than the other, leaving this person feeling resentful or hurt. (We often think it is the man and so this post will refer to "he" as the one who initiates lovemaking more often but it could, and often is, the woman who has the higher sexual drive.) Not initiating lovemaking, however, isn’t always an indication of low sex drive. Maybe you feel embarrassed or self-conscious asking for sex. Or maybe you don’t know how. Or maybe you worry that you will be rejected.
If you are the one who rarely initiates lovemaking in your relationship, your partner might interpret it as a lack of desire or that you have desire, just not for him. To spice up your relationship and add some sparks, turn the tables, play the adventurous one and let him know where you want the evening to end.
Sometimes the problem isn’t that you don’t initiate lovemaking, it is that your partner doesn’t read the signals. Suppose you come home from work and change into something sexy. You think you are signaling your desire, but if your partner is the one that makes the first move, chances are he is still going to think he initiated sex. So don’t stop at the little things, make your desires obvious.
The following are 5 subtle and overt ways to show your partner that you are in the mood.
Start early in the day. There is nothing like anticipation. Send your partner a text message or email letting him know that you are looking forward to spending some alone time that evening. How personal the message gets (if it is through email make sure it is to a personal account that can’t be accessed by bosses or coworkers). Simple messages like "I can’t wait to see you tonight" may be misconstrued by some men and you may need to be a little more graphic, such as “Tonight I want to”" Chances are your partner isn’t going to think about much else all day.
Create a "I want you" code. Use a phrase that says definitively that you have lovemaking in mind. It could be "Let’s have a date tonight" or something that has nothing to do with relationships but means something to you as a couple. This way, even if you are sitting in a restaurant with friends or in the living room waiting for your kids to go to bed, you can both signal what you want to happen later.
Use actions instead of words. It may be hard for you to come right out and say "I want you" but you can show it by sitting close and placing your hand in between his legs, giving him a massage or kissing his neck. If he doesn’t seem to be getting the message or isn’t responding, be more aggressive with your actions by nibbling on his ear or straddling him while he is watching television.
Buy new undergarments. Go shopping for some sexy undies and bras and then show them off. You can combine this with Number 1, letting him know by text message that you are at the mall shopping for sexy underwear and can’t wait until he sees it later.
Rent a sexy movie and then cuddle together to watch. It doesn’t have to be a pornographic or extremely exotic movie, it can just have some romantic or sexy scenes. Pop some popcorn, wear something sexy (your new undies perhaps?) and cuddle together to watch the movie. Watching romance and decent sex scenes helps set the mood.
How you initiate lovemaking is unique to your relationship. But don’t let stereotypes or shyness stop you from letting your partner know that he still turns you on. Many men want their partners to be more aggressive and obvious about their desires, at least some of the time. So tonight, instead of waiting for your partner to initiate sex, turn down the lights and let romance blossom.
Eileen Bailey is a freelance health writer. She is the author of What Went Right: Reframe Your Thinking for a Happier Now, Idiot’s Guide to Adult ADHD, Idiot’s Guide to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Essential Guide to Overcoming Obsessive Love, and Essential Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome. She can be found on Twitter @eileenmbailey and on Facebook at eileenmbailey.