My Boyfriend Is Depressed And Our Relationship Is About To Fall Apart, How Do I Deal With This? Do I Stay And Get Treated Bad Or Do I Need To Leave And Will Suffer Even More?

Question

Asked by Tamara

My Boyfriend Is Depressed And Our Relationship Is About To Fall Apart, How Do I Deal With This? Do I Stay And Get Treated Bad Or Do I Need To Leave And Will Suffer Even More?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. We fell in love very quick and have been an item ever since. When I moved in things started to go in a bad direction. My boyfriend started to point out things that I apparently do wrong. I think he has ocd and if I dont do it exactly like he wants something it isnt good enough. We worked on it and it got better. We have had so many great and happy times, but he seems to always talk something bad when he is upset. He is depressed now , he says he has no feeling for anything, work, life, or me. He says he loves me and he wants to be there for me but he cant. We were talking about marriage and I really got my hopes up but one day he told me that he just cant. He has a difficult past, his mom has schizophrenia and his dad got married 4 times. He never had a woman as a respects person. I am really hurt and dont know what to do. It got worse and worse, he daily told me what I need to improve on, ( I already do all I can, I am a student, have a job, and do a lot of the household). Nothing I do seems to matter to him. Now his excuse is that he is depressed. I told him to get help and do a therapy, which is doing now for a month. I thought it would help but now on thanksgiving he direspected me in front of his family. I wanted to help him cook and he told me to go out of the kitchen. but really harsh. He seems to treat me like a child, I am 8 years younger than him but I feel like I am more mature than him in many ways. He told me on thanksgiving that i would be the only one interested in this relationship. thats when I packed my stuff and left. We have been talking and he says that he is sorry and he didnt mean to say it like that. He does mean though that in his condition right now he cant work on the relationship and would need me though. I love him so much, I tried convincing myself that I am better off without him but I just cant bare the thought of that. He seems to be ok with it. But then again he has no power or will for anything right now, he hates his job, life everything. And I have to add that he has a great secure job, makes more than enough money, we live in a house and have a dog. And still he seems to hate himself. I think it staretd when he realized that he is not ready for marriage. i dont know what to do, it is literally killing me to stay away from him, I have never ever felt any pain like this, and then I feel like I am the only one who wants to and can fight for us right now. And it is not fair. He wanted our life together, I built my life completely around him and am about to loose everything because he is depressed. I am terrified of the thought to be without him. And I want to help him so bad to get over this phase. How can or should I deal with this? on the phone he still only talks about how i can change, he never says that he needs to change too....And since I am so determined to stay in this relationship I keep saying what i can do better, even though I am not the problem.

Answer

Hi, Tamara. It sounds like you are in a really tough spot. One thing you said that is really true and that it is NOT your fault! Depressed or not, it's not a good sign that your boyfriend is controlling and expecting you to make all the changes. I wonder if you could go to a therapy session with him. Or if you could get him to go to a couples therapist with you. At the very least, you would probably be helped quite a bit by a therapist of your own. This guy sounds emotionally abusive and yes, maybe he did have a tough past and have bad things happen to him, but everyone has and it doesn't give us license to mistreat those we love.

Here is a sharepost written by Merely Me some time ago about depression and relationships, which is a common theme here. You think you would suffer more if you left him, but that may very well not be true. It only feels like that because you've lived your whole life around this guy when you should be living your life for YOU. What do you want out of life? What do you want to do with your life, regardless of who else is in your life? Those are some questions you might want to ask yourself.

Breaking up will hurt, there's no getting around it, but I can tell you from first-hand experience, if he is treating you like this now, it's not going to get better all by itself. He needs more help than you can give him. He may even threaten suicide if you try to leave him, but that's another way of controlling and if he did such a thing, it still would not be your fault. Please get some help for yourself so that you can make some clear-headed decisions about your future. I wish you all the best and hope you will let us know how things go. Thanks for coming to our site.