Asked by NoColonSara
My Boyfriend Of 2 Years Broke Up With Me Suddenly, Hes Very Stressed About Life And Im Worried. Also Wondering If This Is Due To Stress.
My boyfriend and i have been dating for over 2 years, everythings been great, weve always been a close happy couple. Right now, ive been out of state for the past 10 months dealing with a illness, but im coming back soon and he knows that. When were in the same state, we go to school together and even live next door. Lately hes been under alot of stress, probably the most stress hes been in since ive known him. He hates school, but he wont drop out this semester because he wants to finish it for his family and the fact that he paid for it. But hes been sleeping really odd, like falling asleep earlier than usual then waking up in middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep, or sleeping more than normal and sleeping in and missing classes, so im sure hes not doing well in any of them since hes missed class about 5 or 6 times. Hes unemployed, but has told me he wants to quit school and work full time.. i remember around valentines day he said "i have no money to ship right now (a gift for me), sad times, i really hate my life" but he didnt seem to upset about it so i blew it off as something he was just saying (now im seeing the importance). And in late January he found out he had to do 90 hours of community service by late March (i want to say the 23rd of this month) or he would lose his drivers liscence for 2 years. His first day of community service wasnt until last week, so hes running out of time, especially with classes 3 times a week in the mornings. If he loses his liscence then he wont be able to make it to school since its about an hour away, and he wont be able to find a good job in the area. He lives at home with his parents right now, and his dad has always irritated him but not to this extreme,he had been telling me he was really making him angry lately. He wants to leave home and move out but he has no where to go. I know his grandfather had/has been dealing with a serious illness in december, and i asked if he wanted to talk about it then and he said no, i let him know im here for him when he wants to talk about it, he said thanks but he probably wont, and hasnt said anything about it since then. And to top if all off, we have midterms in a couple of weeks. Ive constantly told him im there for him if he wants to talk.
So, about a month ago, he changed over night and said "he needs a few days to figure stuff out" And wouldnt tell me why, he would just say he needs to figure out stuff, and i was having a really hard time with my illness and we never ended up doing what he asked. He started saying stuff like "i dont think were right for eachother and its not fair for either one of us to stay in a relationship" and things like that, which hes never done before. Since then things have been distant between us but i blew it off as him being busy with stuff and stress. About a week ago, i asked if he thought we should take a break just to see his point of view and stuff, and he pretty much jumped at that opportunity. Almost instantly he began acting like he hated me, and wouldnt tell me why, just that "its complicated" i suggested maybe its just the distance and the stress and itll be better when i get back, and he said "if i thought thats what it is id realize it and i dont think thats it sorry" but the day earlier i said the same thing and he said "i know what youre saying". He wouldnt tell me if he thought wed be back together at some point when its less stressful, so that night we got into a pretty heated argument, i said some horrible things and did some stupid stuff, And after what i said, he told me "there was no possible way of getting back together" and i put to much weight on his shoulders, that he cant be somebodies life support anymore and hes not happy in a relationship anymore. I apologized almost instantly when i realized what i had said and stuff, but he was just so angry with me he turned off his phone.
Yesterday, he finally talked to me and said "you said some really bad things the other night and im not ready to forgive you, you need to work on becoming more independent and that will take awhile and itll be for the best, then maybe one day we be back together" i explained why i acted the way i did and was sorry for being selfish and putting so much weight on his shoulders, explained before, during, and after my surgery he was always there for me so i became used to relying on him for support to the extent that i did.. (and it was never a problem until this all started happening). He said he forgave me then(after saying he couldnt forgive me, 5 minutes earlier), because hes sorry for not telling me sooner what he really wanted, which was space. I asked why and he said it was stress, and hes just changed. When i asked again about working things out and getting back together because weve had a great 2 years up until this, he said he couldnt say yes or no because we cant be sure of the future. He doesnt even want to remain friends because "hes afraid i cant handle it, hed like that but he doesnt think itd work but hell think about it".
We have never had serious problems like this before, weve gotten into fights about once or twice a month, but what relationship hasnt? and they were never bad enough that we couldnt forgive eachother in the same night. Hes even said were lucky, and hes lucky to have me.. as recently as a week before this all took place a month ago, which is why i dont think hes just making excuses to get out of this relationship. Im thinking i stressed him out so much the other night, he now views me as part of the problem, because he still sees his friends every day and talks to them, but then again they probably dont stress him out right now.
He has alot of symptoms of stress such as: Seeing only the negative (he wont think about the positive times we had together, only pointing out negatives in our relationship at this time), Moodiness, Irritability or short temper, Feeling overwhelmed, Depression or general unhappiness, Sleeping too much or too little, Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities. I remember about a month ago the same day he said "he wanted a few days to figure stuff out" he woke up about 2pm, with a horrible back ache and wanted to throw up.. which i know can be physical symptoms of stress... Hes not the type to talk about his problems, so im wondering if its so bad because hes been bottling them up for so long?
I just cant believe after 2 years he suddenly wouldnt even want me in his life anymore.. and i know distance can drive you apart, but weve never had a problem until a Month ago..
So, has anybody had experience with this? Can anybody give me insist? do you think hes stressing out to the point where hes just pushing people who are closest to him away? i have depression/anxiety problems myself and this is really hard on me, because im the opposite, when im stressed i cling to the people i care about most.
Hi, Sara. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, especially at a time when you're feeling vulnerable yourself. It's hard to say, for sure, where your boyfriend is coming from. He may be depressed and needing to get help, he may not want to continue the relationship, or it may be both. I'm linking you to this sharepost by Merely Me about this very topic, When Love is Not Enough. You've done the best you know how, but if he doesn't want to continue, it's not in your hands. Maybe now is the time for you to focus on what you want out of your life, your goals, what makes you happy. You might want to consider therapy for yourself to deal with this and the effects of your illness.
We are here for you if you want to write; we can support you and do what we can to help. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Your boyfriend is not in a healthy place for whatever reason and you don't want to lose yourself in the process of trying to save the relationship.