I Am Confused Because My Feelings Seemed To Change So Quickly

Question

Asked by Missy80

I Am Confused Because My Feelings Seemed To Change So Quickly

Hi everyone! Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

I am a 28 year-old female who has recently gotten out of a long term relationship with my live-in partner. When our relationship began, it was wonderful. Usually, I seem to doubt my feelings for men once I become involved, but with him, everything was easy and right. However, in the course of the three years that we were together, I began to lose that initial feeling of bliss and became interested in other people - so much so that I would carry on emotional affairs with them for a time, until the guilt became too much and I would put a stop to it.

In the last six months or so, I became infatuated with someone with whom I work. The trouble is, he is only 19 years old. Still, he is smart and witty and fun and, what's more, he made me feel good and alive again, I guess you'd say. My ex was rather inattentive, but this guy seemed terribly interested in everything I had to say. We would email and text each other all the time, and sometimes I would lie so that I could spend time with him.

At any rate, things came to a head and realized that I was over my partner, so we split up. I know this was for the best, although now that he has moved out, I am having a hard time adjusting to the loneliness and the solitary life again. I had really wanted to begin a relationship with the other guy right away because he made me feel so good, and I felt sure of my feelings... However, in the past week or so, something has changed. I no longer feel wonderful and giddy around him as I once did. I seem to only be able to see the things about him that I DON'T like now, as well as our glaring age difference.

I should mention that I have suffered from depression all my life, and was diagnosed with it at the age of 18. I take Effexor and it seems to stabilize me, but I often forget to take it properly or regularly. I've been feeling terribly depressed since the break up, but even moreso, I seem to have become obsessed with the realization that I don't feel anything for this other guy anymore. We did sleep together right after I broke up with my bf, and it's hard to know if I just rushed into something too soon and now my feelings have more or less turned off like a switch, or if this is related to my depression.

I almost want to force myself to feel those things I once did about him. I refuse to believe that I could be so fickle or that my feelings could just change at the drop of a hat. It worries me because this has been a pattern for me in the past, and I don't want to be that kind of person. I am consequently MORE depressed as I realize that this guy is not living up to my "ideal" of what I thought he was, or that he isn't making me feel like he once did. It's not his fault - he's sweet and caring and kind, and I feel like I have used him. Right now, we are just friends, but I seem to want so desparately to get that feeling back.

Do you think it's possible that this is some of depression-related incident, or have my feelings legitimately changed?

Thanks so much.

Answer

Hey Missy

I guess the first question that comes to mind is...are you truly over your ex-boyfriend? It seems as though the new guy was only good when compared with your ex and when you broke up with your boyfriend, then the new guy wasn't as wonderful.

When you suffer from depression it is easy to get into the predicament of looking for something or someone to give you an emotional lift. What better lift can you get than falling for someone? I am thinking that with this new guy...the attraction was probably that he was new and that it was more infatuation. That might feel good for awhile but then time passes and reality sets in and you are left looking for the something or someone else to give you those great feelings again.

Remember that song, Addicted to Love?

It is understandable that if you feel depressed that you want to feel good again. Infatuation can temporarily make the melancholy go away but it doesn't last and it usually isn't rooted in reality.

What would it be like to take a break from boyfriends and relationships and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel? Think about what sort of relationship you really do want. You are in control.

I am not a therapist or anything. These are just my rambling thoughts. Maybe others can chime in with their ideas. Thank you for your question.

Answered by Merely Me