How Do You Deal With Getting Closure When Your Ex Was Depressed And Broke-it Off? I Totally Got The Boot From His Life. I Would Welcome Any Advice And Or Analysis.

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Asked by Ak3201

How Do You Deal With Getting Closure When Your Ex Was Depressed And Broke-it Off? I Totally Got The Boot From His Life. I Would Welcome Any Advice And Or Analysis.

I've been reading a lot of posts on here and I have to say I find them incredibly helpful. My story isn't that different from everyone else's. I apologize I'll warn you in advance...this is a pretty long post (short novel I should say)

I was dating this guy for about 4-5 months. At first we were having a blast and really connecting. He mentioned to me early on that he had depression but it was mild and being treated with talk therapy, which is pretty common. Please he is aware of it and seeking treatment so I saw no reason not to continue.

Around month 3, tragedy struck. A very close friend of his killed himself and then his temp assignment (which he was trying to extend into something permanent) came to an end. So basically he lost his job and his close friend in the same week.

I did my best to be very supportive and just listen to him, to let him know I was there but to also give him space. He started having performance issues and close to the end of the relationship he said, "I want you to know that when things don't work out like they should, when we are being intimate, it's not you. I'm going through a lot and you do turn me on." I responded, "Thank you for telling me that, I don't care about things like that, I just enjoy spending time with you and being with you." He told me I was very understanding.

A week later we were playing around on my sofa and he was trying to get me to tell him I'm in love with him. A few days later he got a new temp assignment which was in DE and we live in PA so we didn't see each other for almost two weeks, I know he was stressed and I wanted him to work out his commute before throwing me back into the mix. Plus I was having a lot of stress at work I was trying to work out. Honestly when I tried to talk to him about it he was pretty cold. Mind you, I'm 31 and he is 34, so at this point I don't understand acting cold and just not telling people what's on your mind. We aren't teenagers

This seemingly backfired. He called me on a Sunday and said let's make plans for Thursday, we'll do something fun. Wednesday night rolls around and I didn't hear anything, so I emailed him and said do we still have plans for tomorrow night. He texted me around 10:00am the following morning and said, "I feel really out of it. I can still hang out if you're up for it." I responded that he was concerning me and that I care about him. To which he said, "We'll chat to night." Needless to say I knew what was coming. I was soooo confused by the break-up conversation that a friend of mine who is a life coach encouraged me to write it out (I'm Nora in the below and the ex is Zack):

ZACK knocks on the door and NORA opens it, NORA walks away. ZACK stands

there with his arms open asking for a hug and kisses NORA.

ZACK:I feel really uncomfortable, I'm really nervous. I don't feel

like this is progressing:

NORA: Ouch, I'm not sure I disagree but why? I guess I could have been

more open. I'm not going to try to convince you of something.

ZACK: No, I could have been more open.

ZACK: You knew something was wrong, you're not stupid. I don't want

to lead you on or mislead you. I don't feel like we are communicating,

like we are connecting. I know I told you I was depressed, like in

the context of my friends but that doesn't even skim the surface. My

problems have gotten so overwhelming that I need to be on medication.

I need to be selfish, I need to focus on my career. You're a great

girl and I know it's cliche, but it's really not you it's me. I don't

think it's anything you did or didn't do. You did nothing wrong. It

would be one thing if I felt like we had this connection where the

world was falling down... or if we were even in a groove. I'm so up

and down. Like what you said about surviving at work, you don't understand but I so so admire that. This isn't fair to you. I can't ask you to wait. I'm sorry. We weren't spending a lot of time together. I had enough respect to do this in person.

NORA: Well as long as you didn't text it.

ZACK: On our second date, didn't you tell me about that one guy who

texted your break-up.

NORA: Yeah Eli, he said I was going to lose him if I wasn't careful and that

was kind of the point.

NORA: Why didn't you say something sooner?

ZACK: It can always be sooner but I'm telling you now.

NORA gets up to show ZACK the door, ZACK says, you want to give it a minute?

NORA: Ouch, well I was trying to give you space. I was trying to be

supportive.

ZACK: You were...you were extremely supportive, I couldn't ask someone

to be more supportive and I told people that

I'd like to stay in touch, but I would understand if I never heard from you again.

NORA: ZACK I don't know.

ZACK: Well maybe down the line, maybe our paths will cross

again...it's a small town. Don't you think it's strange we never had

this talk.

NORA: Kind of, I just thought things were going slow. When was there

a good time? You were deNORAng with so much. How shitty of me would

it have been to say gee ZACK, I know your friend just died but let's

not see other people.

ZACK: This was always an exclusive thing

NORA: This had gotten to the point where I had stopped seeing other

people. The conversation you're having with me now, I just had with

someone recently.

I was really just trying to give you space considering everything and

you were always busy with your sports.

ZACK: I was trying to give you space, I though this is how you are.

It works both ways you know.

I mean we have things in common. Look you put yourself out there, I put

myself out there.

So maybe we both learned something here. I'm no expert on relationships and clearly neither are you. If there is anything to take away. I think I was responsive when you communicated and I'm not saying I was the only one communicating. I hope I didn't put a wall up.

NORA: ZACK I would have really thought if you had needed me, you would

have told me. I was just trying to give you space considering

everything you've been going through. You went through a lot.

ZACK: Maybe it's timing.

NORA: Are you still nervous?

ZACK: Yeah I'm very uncomfortable, if I didn't care at all, I'd be

stone cold right now and I'm really nervous.

NORA: Well don't be, it's done. It's done. Do you want like a beer or

something?

ZACK: No, I'm okay thanks. I should get out of your hair.

NORA: Wait, so wow, you really don't feel anything at all? I'm

concerned about me, how could I have been so wrong.

ZACK: I'm sorry, but we had fun right? I don't regret anything.

NORA: It was more than fun to me. All these feelings I have for you.

I care about you. These things you're saying, I was on top of them

and I would have brought them up tonight but you beat me to the punch.

NORA: I can't believe I'm asking this, but are you saying that it's

because we weren't spending enough time together or this is really

something your going through?

ZACK: It's really not you, it really is me. You're great. I'm not

comfortable, I don't feel like myself. I haven't felt like myself in

the last four months and the first four months should be easy and it's

taking so much work. This isn't me.

You're very chill and very level headed I know you'll do the right

thing. You're not going to dwell right?

NORA: ZACK I'm hurt and I'm upset but I'll live.

ZACK: I feel like a schmuck right now.

NORA: So you really don't feel a thing?

ZACK: I'm sorry

NORA: Well I have to find someone who has these feelings for me.

ZACK: I hope you do

NORA: I'm sure I will.

ZACK: I want you to be happy.

NORA: look maybe we'll keep in touch, I'm upset and saying things but

maybe 2 months from now I'll be totally over it ...I really don't

know

(NORA leans over and gives ZACK a hug...he is looking like he is about

to get sick...Zack squeezes NORA tightly)

NORA: Well good luck

ZACK: you too, (leans over and kisses NORA on the check).

Later that night of course I sent an email, just reiderating the above and saying I wish he had said something earlier I was just trying to give him space. To which he didn't respond

Of course a few days later I emailed him one line which said, I gave it some thought and it's fine to be in touch, just give me some time to move on. To which he replied, sounds good.

I took a few weeks and read about depression, which if nothing else has helped me understand what some people in my family and my best friend go through.

A couple of weeks later I wrote him an email saying, "I debated emailing you for a ton of reasons, frankly f-it. Break-up aside, I hate the thought of anyone I care about struggling with depression. I don't understand exactly what you're going through, but I'm here as a friend. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, hang-in there. You're not alone.

He replied, "Thanks for the note, Things are moving along and I'm getting the support I need. I'm not back to the person I want to be, but I'm hopeful. I sincerely hope that you're well and that things have improved with your work situation also. Take Care. This email I feel is basically like, thank you...I'm okay and have a nice life.

That was about 6 weeks ago and I've employed the NC (No Contact rule)

Because I realized I still had some healing to do of myself. Initially I had started dating again right after the break-up but realized that it was unfair to do so and I was basically doing the same thing as my ex...if I couldn't really participate and show-up for the relationships because I was still processing hurt, it's wasn't fair to anyone. In fact it's really bad Karma and I didn't like it when someone did that to me. So I took myself out of the game for about a month and focused on things I always wanted to do, like sky diving and went out and started meeting new people and enjoying my life. I've even been out on a few dates and have started once again to enjoy other people's company so I feel like I'm getting better.

So why does this still bother me? Once on a date he had said, "Have you ever noticed how it's harder these days to be friends with people you've dated." He was friends with a bunch of his exes. For some reason he couldn't be my friend or didn't want to, or maybe I tried to soon after the break-up. Needless to say I don't feel like it's my place to make the next move. Did I do something wrong? Was there anything more I could have done? It's hard to accept someone cares about you one minute and doesn't the next. I've been trying to find closure on my own...I don't know that if I even spoke to him I would get what I was looking for. Does that make any sense? I would welcome any advice and or analysis. I cared for the guy a great deal and it just felt like this was sudden on his end. Though I understand he may have been thinking about this and only told me suddenly. I know acting cold, being distant and isolating is part of depression but wow...is that really the case here? He just kind of dropped me like a bad habit and I couldn't have done more to be there.

The guy who broke up with me was a totally different person than the one I thought I had been dating. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting around waiting for him, but the situation does bother me...thankfully less than it used to! After 6 weeks, you would think I would have heard something from him. I do realize it takes a while to heal and maybe in a way it's best I haven't because it's allowed me to find myself a little more and lick my wounds in private so to speak.

Answer

Hi there

This sounds like right out of a movie or a TV script. Just to be sure...this was a real guy and he said these things to you?

It is hard on this end to know how to respond because we don't know this fellow or the full story. From what you have told us though...it sounds like depression was perhaps a small part of this. It seems clear he did want to end things and does not want further communication. I think when these things happen it is easy to blame oneself and ask what you did wrong. You didn't do anything wrong. It just didn't work out. These things happen and better sooner than later. It is great to care and be compassionate but when someone is telling you that this is the end of things...you gotta respect that and move on.

You deserve better than someone who is feeding you a bunch of cliches.

The question now is...what sort of person do you want to date and have a relationship with? You can be choosy.

I am sorry this happened...it must have been frustrating and painful. But I really think it is time to move on and think about what you want.

Thanks for reaching out here. I wish you the best.

Answered by Merely Me